Parenting Big Kids (5-8) Support Group

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Six Year Old - Trouble with Friends

KerriMom
KerriMom

Here is my problem… my six year old, who is in first grade is loving, energetic and very kind.  All she wants to do is make friends and play, but for some reason she has trouble making friends that stick.  She is very outgoing and doesn’t have any problems going up to a group of kids and trying to start a game, but when the game is over, all the kids seem to gravitate away from her and stick to their other friends.  She then started telling me that she was playing with a new little girl that is in her class at school and who also goes to her after school program.  I was so excited.  My daughter had mentioned that she would like to have a playdate with her and I was starting to think of how to get in contact with her mom.  Then a couple days ago I picked up my daughter and her friend was there.  We chatted for a moment and then my daughter walked away to get something when the other little girl said, “Ummm… she REALLY likes me.”  I smiled and told the girl that I thought that was great that they were friends, but because she made a strange face when she said it, I asked the girl, “And you like to play with her, right?”.  The other girl responded with, “No, not really – she just follows me around everywhere.”  I was heartbroken.  Here my daughter is thinking she has found a new best friend and says she plays with her every day to find out that this girl doesn’t even like her.  One of the problems I think may be is that my daughter tries too hard.  How do I get her to make some close friendships and also how do I delicately tell her to stop following this girl around?

queenof3wildthings
queenof3wildthings
Oh, man. I think I can relate. My 6-year-old seems to have "best friends" who become "not my friend anymore" the next day because he realized the kid was actually not his friend at all. I also have a much older son (13) and when he was in school (and still) it was very easy for him to make friends, so it is highlighted for me that my 6-year-old is a totally different personality. I've asked my older son to help him out with tips, but all he has said is, "He has to act like he doesn't care whether they are friends instead of hanging all over them begging to be friends." While I'm not sure I like the idea of condoning pretending to be someone you're not in order to get people to like you, I think I see what he is saying. The act of trying too hard (as you put it) might be a sort of red flag for other kids. What I have tried to do is give him a little backbone. So, for example, there is one boy who will play with him after school during daycare, but will not acknowledge him in class. And, it bothers him. So, I said, "Well, if he isn't willing to be friends with you in all situations, he is not worth your time. You tell him that you would love to be friends with him, but if he is not friendly in all situations, you are not going to spend time with him in daycare. And, whatever his response, you can know that you are setting boundaries about how people can treat you while also letting him know that you would prefer to be his friend." So, he did this. The boy said, "I don't care and chose to not be friends with him." But, because we talked about it beforehand, my son interpreted this as evidence that this kid had a problem or was not worth his effort, rather than feeling (as I am sure you imagined your daughter felt when talking to that girl) like there was something wrong with him.

I guess what I am saying is that instead of looking at it that our kids are "off" because they haven't yet found their B.F.F. at age 6, maybe we should teach them that there should be a litmus test to find true friendship. Maybe it's more important to tell them not to hustle for friendship. Maybe it's better to be confident in who you are than to have any "friends" who aren't really friends at all. Maybe this is our opportunity to build self worth not by counting the number of friends but by acknowledging that not everyone can or should be trusted with your friendship.

Since this incident, which shifted his perspective, he has come to me and said, "Mommy, X (a different kid) played with me today at daycare AND at recess. Maybe he will be my friend. We will see." That's so empowering for him and such a relief for me. It's ok to be slow to connect. After all, they are so young.

I hope this is helpful to you! Please let me know if there are other strategies you use that are helpful. Hang in there!