Parenting Big Kids (5-8) Support Group
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she is 6 years old and is fighting me like crazy she will throw a fit is I ask her to do something that she does every day if not every other day I've tried asking her nicely I've yelled at her to do it what could I do to not have a fit every time?
If it is fair and necessary, you ask her nicely.
If she does not comply, you tell her she has till you get to three, before you will whack her bum (once, with your bare hand.)
If she does not comply, you whack her bum and wait for her to stop crying.
Then you ask her nicely to do it again.
If she still does not comply, you count to three again. If she has not complied by then, you whack her arse. Wait for her to stop crying. ask her to do it again. Nicely. Keep your manners and your temper or I'll whack YOUR arse.
If she still does not comply?
You don't whack her arse a third time. You stop the clock. Put your hand in time out configuration. Teach her how to do this too.
Sit down with her. Wait for her to stop crying (two pinkies on the bum will make a child cry.)
Now ask her why she won't do it.
Sit silently, patiently, and find out why she won't do it. Listen to her. She is a person. She has feelings and concerns and after crying will probably be very honest.
Think about her answer from her point of view. Is it reasonable? Has she got a problem you don't know about? Is that a problem you can solve?
Think about why she has to do the thing. Is it necessary? Is it negotiable? have you made a mistake???
If you have made a mistake? You think about an alternative to this task and suggest it.
If you have not made a mistake, you tell her you have thought about it, but she really does have to do that thing for the good of her health/education/survival. - whatever the basis behind your order actually is.
There is no such thing as a bad child. There is no such thing as a disobedient child. A poor shepherd blames his sheep. What you have is a creature whose brain is growing. And who runs into difficulties and issues. And you have to listen and care about that creature, but ultimately you have to lay down the law, after considering all sides, and enforce that law.
Keep your moods and feelings out of your relationship with your daughter. Keep the rules clear, keep your manners and your fairness about you. Show her nothing but love, even if you have to whack that bum never do it from snottiness or resentment, but only ever from getting to 3.
Don't drink, don't take drugs. Never say anything to her that is nasty or unkind. Ever. It's not her fault she is a daughter but it is your fault you are a mother. Don't shout at her, and don't scream at her. Ever.
Show her good times, show her love. Not in a crazy, anxious way. I mean by spending quiet, relaxed time with her. Lying on a bed reading her a book. Give her open ended time with you. Get her to help with dinner peeling carrots. Get her to help with the garden pulling out weeds. Get her involved with you, and get yourself involved with her.
And remember this: she is wonderful, she is your daughter, and if you become a wonderful parent she will obey you out of sheer desire to please her idol. and that doesn't mean a weak parent. That means a fair but strong parent.