Parenting Big Kids (5-8) Support Group
This community is focused on the joys, challenges and concerns faced by parents of big kids (5 to 8 year olds). The major areas of child development include: physical development, perception and sensory development, communication and language development, cognitive development, emotional development and social development. Join to share your stories and get advice.
My daughter is almost 7 years old. She is extremely self-conscious about the hair on her arms and legs. It all started on the bus to Kindergarten last year when her seat buddy pointed at her legs and asked her why she had so much dark hair on her legs. In actuality, she doesn't have that much hair on either her arms or her legs, but it is dark, so it's more noticeable. At that point, she has been obsessed with it. One time last year, she snuck a razor from my bathroom and tried shaving the hair off her arms, only to run her finger over the blade and cut her finger. (Horrible!) Now, a year later, she is obsessed with making her hair straight and obsessed with having blonde hair. She has wavy, medium brown hair! She brushes her hair constantly to try to get the waves out of it and asks me all the time to straighten it. She compares her hair color to EVERYONE. "Mommy, is my hair lighter than hers?" Seriously??? She's not even 7!!
Last week, she asked me again about doing something about the hair. I told her that maybe when she gets a little older, we could try the hair removal cream. This brings me to last weekend. She went to a friends house for a playdate. She went there with hair on her body...she came home HAIRLESS!! She told me that her friend shaved all the hair off her arms and her legs. I later, after checking her entire body, found out that she also shaved her back, and her private (there isn't even hair there!) Now, my daughter can tell the biggest lies ever, so this may not be true, but she told me that her friend said that if my daughter did not allow her to shave the hair off her body, she would no longer be friends with her. I was furious to say that least, that a 7 year old would do that, could do that, and have no parental supervison to be able to do that!
Needless to say, she is no longer allowed to see that girl, but my questions are this:
What can I do to make my daughter: 1. stand up for what's right 2. see that she is beautiful just the way she is (and I know I'm her mother, but she is a beautiful little girl...anyone who knew this happened would be absolutely shocked that she feels so self conscious)
My husband and I NEVER point out any of our children's flaws and NEVER talk about body image. We are trying to teach our kids to be happy with the skin they're in. My favorite comment to my daugher is, "If you had blonde hair or blue eyes, then you wouldn't be you, and I love you just the way you are." Any words of advice like that don't seem to be working. I want to fix this before the teenage years get here because I know if this doesn't get fixed now, I'm in trouble!
Sorry this is so long. I needed to vent...and need some advice!!!
I can empathize very much with what your daughter is going through. Being a strong, confident girl in this day in age is quite the challenge. My daughter just turned 7 and she was and is very self-conscious about her tummy and how it sticks out (like a toddler). She too compares herself to other kids her age and was very self critical.
There was a big change in our house, I cut my hours at work and decided she needed a more stable, emotional support system. She and dad have also been more proactive in being more physical. I really do feel that it made a difference. If she feels supported and heard then it's really less about the problem and the focus shifts over to how she feels about her support system.
I really feel that problems come and go, but how out of hand, out of control or how critical it becomes in thier mind is an indication of the lack of underlining issues such as not feeling heard or truly supported they feel.
I'm confident you will be able to provide her with the trusting support we all crave when we feel a problem has become bigger than ourselves.
It is human nature after all to feel we can give our awful feelings and vonerable hearts over to someone and thier undying willingness to hold it in tenderness will allow them to gain perspective that hair, weight or anything weighing heavily in our selves can be combated because we have people on our lives who are there to help us no matter what.
I told my daughter all the clichés... It matters not what's on the outside but what's on the inside, everyone comes in all shapes and sizes, we're all unique, etc and none helped. My being there, being present, telling her I am going to do whatever possible to ensure she is supported to see this through really helped. I had to really work hard though to earn that trust and to ensure she felt that support in the now.
My heart goes out to your little one. I pray that you and your family will find your way of supporting her through her fears. Stay strong!