Hi, I'm new here. I've not been diagnosed with paranoia/delusions, but I haven't brought it up to my therapist yet. I feel very alone and like my therapist doesn't believe me when I tell him what's going on with me. I'm getting very desperate.
Since a young age, 8, I've had major depressive disorder and things spiraled from there. I got diagnosed with an anxiety disorder at 19 and recently my therapist is suspicious of bipolar disorder. I'm now suffering from auditory/visual hallucinations and what I thought was my anxiety kicking into overdrive is what I now suspect might be paranoia. I'll be in my room and suddenly get an unnerving feeling and I clam up. I lock my bedroom door and hide under my blankets pretending to be asleep but I can't explain why. I feel like something bad is going to happen. I think someone is trying to come into the house and hurt me. On top of that, I was once very social and I've been isolating myself because whenever my friends call to hang out or make plans, I get waves of paranoia that my friends are trying to lure me and are plotting to kill me. I had a friend call me and ask to come over which I was fine with at first so I got in the car to drive there. About halfway there I started thinking I was driving to my death. I kept seeing my friends standing around waiting for my arrival to attack me. It was so bad that I turned around, went home and fed them a lame excuse. I'm so lonely but too terrified to hangout with anyone and I don't trust anybody. Are my suspicions of paranoia fair? Does anyone else think their friends are trying to hurt them?
Sorry if this was hard to keep up with or if it was confusing. Writing this in a desperate ramble.
I just had a conversation via private message about what to do about panic attacks that made me think yet again about what's gotten me through them thus far. The frequency and power of mine seem to fluctuate. Lately, they've been coming on more often again and coming on harder. In my own experience with them, that will pass, but in the moment memory doesn't serve me that well. That's the...
i am silent, i am broke, i am lost, and i am gone. You left me in the dark, all alone. I sat there and i took your harsh words. I took the pain. you punished me for your own entertainment. you beat me and nearly killed me. I took it. i took it bceause, i thought that it was better than being alone. I loved you. even though you hurt me, i loved you. i was silent, for years. I was silent, for you....