It's a Tuesday night, like any other i have experience for the past many years and i'm sitting alone in my apartment for the 10th day straight. I've always had a problem with anxiety and being in public, being around and talking to other people as i feel as if i'm being judged or in grave danger. From as early as kindergarten i remember always being scared. I wouldn't want to go to school and i would hide at school in the bathrooms.It progressively got worse and worse until this date. It started off with tasks as simple as bringing the garbage out or going to the store for a pack of smokes, most days this is impossible. On the days i can do these things, it takes hours of mental preparation and when i am finished i will suffer from massive panic attacks for a few hours after, it would feel as if i just experienced something traumatic and have PTSD. In high school i would never go because it was to much for me to handle, i couldn't even walk into the cafeteria without having a nervous breakdown. Now at age 27 i never leave my apartment, which has caused major depression, extreme insomnia where i don't sleep for 5 days at a time, which then leads to even worse anxiety which leads to extreme paranoia and psychosis. After about 72 of no sleep i start to see shadows and little bugs moving everywhere, i always see smoke coming from objects and even smell strange things. At the 100 hour of no sleeping i start to hear the radio and songs playing and random words from multiple voices saying things...straight up psychosis. I have never been in a relationship, dropped out of high school, have no friends, never had a job, stopped talking to my family years ago i haven't had a family dinner in over a decade because all these issues make me feel worthless.
Back to me tonight, writing this out of nowhere, sitting in a silent room with my TV on mute at 3 am because i am to paranoid that my neighbours , on a good night might think that i'm too loud or up too late and will tell the landlord which will then call the police. On a bad night it's full out fear and think people want to kill me. Every time i have a cigarette i think everybody in the apartment is getting pissed off at me because they can smell it, which they obviously can't and even if they did who cares im aloud half the people in this building smoke weed and wtvr else. If i hear any little noise or somebody outside talking, a car horn or a siren i panic.This then cause me to close all the curtains, lock all my windows and doors, turn off all the lights and act as if im sleeping. I always feel like i'm being watched and listened too 24/7. I will not sit a certain way or do normal things because everybody s watching me. I always think there's people at my door listening into my apartment i must check it at least 20 times a day. I always have a weapon nearby and always have my feet out of the blanket so there wouldn't be any obstruction on defending myself. Just talking about this makes me overwhelmed.
I know that all these thoughts are completely irrational and delusional, after years and years and being scared with nothing ever happening i feel completely lost in my thoughts and don't know what to do. As i'm typing this i feel scared, lost, paranoid, upset, depressed, tired, anxious, uncertain and mentally unhealthy. That being said i have tried many many medications to combat these feelings and they all made things worse. The only thing that helps is for me to get drunk to the point of passing out so i drink 15 beers per day. My health is diminishing from the lack of activities and mental stress and addictions. Im winded all of the time, i have bruises all over my body,i faint if i do anything strenuous, and can't even do one pushup. I have bruises all over my body, im throwing up blood every day, i cant tie my shoes without wanting to blackout.