Hello everyone & happy Monday :)

I made my first post on this website last week. Giving my story / summary of what i'm experiencing & going through. If you haven't read it, reading it may make this post easier to understand...

Anyway, i've been feeling great lately. Visiting this site or diving into this topic never even came into my mind until today. It's like I was in the "normal" mode for a few days. I love that mode. It's the way I would imagine everyday should be. Nothings wrong, I feel great. There's no issues, Lifes good. Those few days stack onto eachother until I alomst completely "forget" about this other side of things. (Which came about after my first panic attack...Read my last post)

The problem is, is that when I'm in that "normal mode" I tend to realize i'm actually not doing much of out my "comfort zone"...(Which is 100% mental, and I didn't even think existed until I started having extreme anxiety & panic attacks while doing certain things?)

I work from home, love what I do, run my errands, go to the gym, take my online college classes, and thats about it. Thats sorta the daily "lifestyle". This daily routine doesn't bother me much in regards to anxiety, panic disorder, or derealization. I can handle doing these things fairly well & be very happy.

Everythings running smooth until something "comes up" thats "out of" that standard cycle of mine...This "other side" of thoughts & feeling seems to arise. (Which I thought was gone? does it even exist? maybe it's all mental? but how can it be mental when physical heart is racing and my throat is tight?) 

Example: Just today my buddy asked me to pick him up from the airport tonight. Nothings wrong with that right? thats easy? why wouldn't I do that for him?

But INSTANTLY there goes like a "automatic" red flag that goes off internally that I don't want anything to do with it. It's like a deeply rooted "Stay Away* goes off.

Logically, this makes me laugh and I know it's literally pathetic. But how can I laugh at it and call it pathetic when I freak out while driving and I struggle to breath, feeling like i'm drowning in death & sickness? (Panic phobia / panic disorder)

I hate to say it, but it's like I already know whats going to happen. And obvisouly, thoughts are things. And I understand that you have to be positive, etc etc. But It's like I internally feel like these are not thoughts, but facts. Because they continue to happen over and over.

This is how i'm already "knowing" how picking my buddy up from the airport will go. (I know you should never micro-analysis things like this, but when you consistenly are expericing re-occuring problems this is sort of automatic)

I drive down the expressway, high anxiety flowing through my body & mind because i'm doing something "different" that involves going places i'm not fimiliar with alone and late at night. With the possiblilty of experiencing these sensations alone and far away. This creates more thoughts about having high anxiety / trying to stop any bad sensations or things that could happen. The thought of this is a snowball effect and BOOM within 2 seconds my throat is tightening up. I can't swallow and now i'm borderline freaking out. Trying to control my breathing, control my car, and speak to myself it's all good and stop making all this up. The further I drive away the "scarier" or "riskier" the endeaver becomes. (I'm less fimiliar with the people, area, and what may happen if I have a full fledge panic attack.) 

Now, I sit here in my office sipping coffee, about to get on a business conference call. I feel "great" right now. There's no issues. No worries. That's because I told my buddy I couldn't pick him up from the airport. I feel like I want to slap myself in the face, because I know what people are going to say. Face your fears, stop succumbing to mental thoughts, the more you run away, the worse it gets. And I agree, as I sit here comfortably in my backyard listening to music. Yet I get in that car and start the trip and it's a entirley different world. 

I would just like to read some replies, regardless of if they're positive or negative. I've educated myself so much over the past months regarding these issues and topics, and yet I find myself leaving this kind of post months later. A bit frustrating if you ask me.

I could tell someone what to do, but yet I fail to do it myself. Grrr! 

All the best,

D.