My panic attacks are triggered by pain. If i get a sharp pain in my back or in my leg my mind jumps to, "Oh great another blood clot and this one will kill me." Or, I will develop something real like this summer, I got a tear in my esophagus that mimics heart attack symptoms and pain. Went through the hospital, full cardiac work up, heart cath and all. My heart came back slightly weak probably due to not working out, but it is still beating. Then after all that I get tossed out of the hospital without any diagnosis (probably due to my history of panic in my charts.) Turns out something was really wrong and there was a tear in my esophagus, but I had to wait 2 months in pain until I could get an Upper GI done. The pain was reduced by luckily my primary care doc doubled my antacids. Still no reason has been given to me for the tear. Also I am on blood thinner so if the tear worsens I die, but since the doctors didn't rush me into do surgery on the tear and say it is healing, I have to assume I am safe. So after all that from mid summer to now late November I am a "little on edge" to put it mildly. I have been getting odd leg pains again and my old enemy (my inner voice) just jumps right to killer blood clot.

I was just in bed and my heart started feeling weird and jumping and I had been having leg pain. I jumped out of bed in full panic. Odd feeling stopped, I calmed down and am writing this just to get it out. On top of this I have been feeling ill the last few days, really flushed but no temperature, I feel like I am a hypochondriac. I do have some issues with illness and right now I would love to be in the ER and having my legs scanned for blood clots. I just want to know I am ok and safe, but I have been to the ER so many times it seems silly. How many times before I get over it and stop going to the ER. If a clot had released I would know it because I have had them hit my lungs and it hurts bad. If I was having a heart attack, I doubt I could write this, so why rush to the ER, why wake people up, why spend the money that I don't have.... just to feel safe.

When it comes down to it that is what I miss about my life. I no longer feel safe in my own body. I feel like it is going to fail on me at anytime and that I will never be healthy and FREE again. I have battled painful illnesses for years now and the mental panic issues are just the cherry on top for me.

I am at the place of no choice left. I either choose to do my best and fight through the pain while hoping that "this time" is just a panic attack OR something does finally kill me. I have prayed and bargained and wished and dreamed to be free. I have put in the effort and work at learning to cope with panic. I am trying to get healthy in mind and body. I am only 34. I have almost died twice and came closer than I would have liked this summer. I want to choose to let all the past go and live again. I know I have the strength somewhere inside to do so, just going to have to find it. I want to live again. I want to be free.

I know I need to get back to basics.

1. meditation
2. Sleep hypnosis
3. Clean diet and exercise
4. Work through my panic attack workbook
5. Daily panic journal
6. Proper routine and sleep schedule
7. Let God or someone else fix the issues of others around me.
8. Actually go get checked out for blood clots on a normal non emergency time table.
9. Accept the things I cannot change
10. Have the courage to change the things I can.

Have a good day everyone and I hope and pray for your healing process whatever afflicts you. Goodnite.