i broke up with my bf last year yet our relationship still the same. just like when we were dating after the break up. and i'm glad that we didn't drift apart. however, couple months after the break up he changed. he told me that we fight all the time and he felt like he's not happy anymore. and i feel the same. but he told me its better to never talk to me again rather than get back together again. then we have our space and suddenly i heard rumours about him and his classmate. which is kinda sad cause i always trust him and this girl. but when i asked he told me that he's not being flirty with her and it was her that being flirty. but after that talk things started to get better. and we almost had it i guess. but then i feel like i hate uncertainty. and i asked he would like to try again. sometimes it could be a yes and sometimes it could be a no when he said no told me he felt like it wasn't right anymore and he doesn't want to be in any relationship and he didn't love me anymore and just want his freedom. so it was really on and off thing. because i was really stressed out about school little things that he did that annoys me i would get mad at him for being like that and he when he was in a good mood he would be im sorry and blablabla. but if he's not he would get mad at me and we would not speak for a long time. but recently he's being such a dick that he hung up when i called him and when i was crying and he asked me to leave his car even when i cried.

and i understand that this is not a healthy relationship and i am young and just dumb. but i feel like i really need someone who understands me. and he's my bestfriend. and i regret being in a relationship with him because i lost my bestfriend and my boyfriend. and now i hate him so much and don't know how to stop. i know i still love him but i really hate him. seeing his face makes me mad. thinking about him makes me mad. and i don't know what to do. i know i need to let go but he's my bestfriend. and hating him makes me tired. i feel like i have anxiety whenever i think about him. i could just wake up at 2am and think about him and cry because it stresses me out. 

so, how to forgive? i've tried not to contact him for weeks and i still hate him. i really do want to get back together but i'm not going to be dumb and be with someone like that. but on the other hand, i used to be such a bitch to him and i regret that so much.