Out of the Fog Community Group
For those who are done with their affair and want to make things better. Please be respectful of others in your posts. Rants, tirades, replies that are off topic, etc. will be deleted.
I am new to the site and trying to find where I best fit in. I am the OW but trying to end things. I am looking for other OW to talk to. I don't need any abuse from the BS, thank you I have had plenty. Anyone have a suggestion for which room I should visit? It seems like these sites don't get much activity. Thanks
This really is a good area... hang in there. I've been there, many of us have been there. And we understand. This whole thing about the "betrayed" spouse having no accountability is bullshit.
True some people are just serial cheating a-holes, but mostly we are all people who were seeking love and understanding when we weren't getting it at home, when there was no hope of getting it at home and in fact there may have been abuse at home. So all humans want love and respect, and some of us ended up in situations where that would never happen, and so we reached out.
OK? That is my view, and NOT the "effing bitches stealing men" or "effing horndogs with ego problems" traditional rap on this.
Right?
So if you aren't getting love and understanding at home, your aren't getting attention at home, you are being abused at home, and there is no hope, then why are you choosing to stay in the marriage instead of get out?
Please tell me how it is possible to believe that an affair will cause any improvements in your marriage? If you want improvements then do the things that make that happen. If those things aren't working and you are sure that it will never change, then leave. Leave the marriage. Walk out the door, go see a lawyer and file.
One of two things will most likely happen if you do that.
One...your spouse will see that you are serious and will decide that your marriage is something to fight for. They will get that this is important and begin to make some changes.
Two...your spouse won't give a shit and your divorce will go through and the marriage that you thought had no hope of surviving will not. You will be free to go find what you need in a spouse and it won't involve infidelity.
My H says that he didn't think he loved me anymore at the time of his affair. Well that is one hell of an indicator that in his eyes our marriage was over. So how about clueing me into that fact. Because no matter how many times I asked what was wrong, no matter how many times I asked him to talk to me, and no matter how many times I tried to get through to him, it was always the same answer..."work". Work is too stressful, I wouldn't understand, I don't get the level of responsibility he has there, I don't know what it is like to be there. He just needs some time to relax and to be alone (although he wasn't alone, he was with her).
What happened was he left me and moved in with her. He wasn't gone two days before he began to feel he had made a huge mistake. In two days a flood of feelings about me came rushing to him and he realized that he did still love me and he had gotten to the point of not recognizing it. He didn't realize how deep down it was and how much of me was a part of him. It wasn't the super passionate, new-love kind of feelings, and he thought that meant the feelings were gone.
So let's just imagine for a moment if when he first felt that he didn't love me anymore, instead getting involved with the OW, he had come to me and told me how he felt. Then we separate or he leaves thinking it will be permanent and two days later he begins to feel all of those things he felt for me after he left because of the affair. He comes to me and we find that there is something worth saving and that the love isn't gone, but we need to address some issues. We work on those issues and things become better and our marriage is saved.
But he didn't do that and what we are left with is an OW in our lives, his feelings for her, her feelings for him, the fact that he still has to work with her every day. Not only do we have whatever issues to deal with from before, but now we have the added fun of dealing with all that comes from the betrayal of an affair. We have the pain it has caused me, the children, our families, our friends. We have so much more to deal with and the odds of surviving have dropped drastically.
We betrayed do not say that we have no accountability in the problems in our marriage (with the exception of those who are with the kind of cheater who would cheat no matter what). That is what people like you say when you want to justify what you did and when the truth is staring you in the face and you can't handle it. You don't want to acknowledge that you made the wrong choice all on your own.
We accept that there were issues of some sort and that we play a part in them. But that does not mean that we drove our spouses to cheat. That is on them because there are several other things they could have done besides cheat. There was nothing going on in our marriage that excuses what my H did. He had options and he chose not to take those options because those options did not give him the instant gratification he wanted and was being offered to him by the OW. He got to have both the safety of a homelife with the wife and the children and then have the thrill of trying something new on the side. He got to test drive someone else and he used me, lied to me, and destroyed me.
The whole time my H was pushing away from me, how lonely do you think I was? How starved for attention do you think I was? Is is not abusive to instigate a fight with your wife over nothing in order to leave the house to go see the OW? Is it not some sort of neglect or abuse to the children when you constantly opt out of family moments, important events, and spending time with them because you are too busy soaking up the attention from some bimbo 12 years younger than you? But through all of that, I didn't look for someone else to fill the void. I didn't allow myself to become too close to someone of the opposite sex. I didn't go looking to supplement what my H wasn't giving to me. Instead I was here, holding everything together and taking care of his children. I tried and tried to get through to him as he just shit on me over and over again. I was supportive, caring, loving, and the whole time I knew something wasn't right, I was beating myself up for not being good enough. I was tearing myself apart because I could not get through to him and I could not be what he needed. Did he reach out to me even once as he saw me falling apart and crashing to the ground? Nope, he just used it to his advantage and as I began to withdraw because of the lack of attention from him, he just amped up his time with her.
So I call "bullshit" on you and the idea that you had no other choice but to cheat. You had other choices, but you didn't want to acknowledge them. Bottom line, you wanted to feel good and the OM made you feel good and everything else be damned.
I ended an affair as a married person where my H wanted me and was willing to help me pull away from someone I loved because he believed in us. He gave me support and strength to do so. The other MM did not want this at all and wanted me to leave my H and was willing (at that point anyway,which I realize could easily have changed) to leave his wife. If I had been single, I do not know if I would have had the strength to walk away from someone I loved and professed to love me for the sake of another person who I did not know. As much as many BS's on here expect that other people should have their best interest at heart, this is a very difficult thing when it comes to romantic love. It is also very interesting to see that many of the betrayed spouses who feel this, seem to have absolutely no feeling or compassion for another human being. Very strange.
I have observed all kinds of situations from a distance. I have yet to see a situation that is black and white because there is no such thing when you are talking about human feelings and emotions.
Good for anyone who tries to fix a troubling situation in their lives. Good for anyone who can have empathy and understanding.
Yes, both parties are responsible in a relationship. Yes, the betrayed spouse has responsiblity in the state of their marriage. Often the OW can 'see' for themselves how troubled the relationship is which helps give them permission to become involved. But, one important factor is that as soon as one person in a relationship falls for someone outside the relationship, the relationship begins to crumble. At this point the betrayed spouse might try everything and anything to fix what they don't really understand without success. They often try different things to get their spouses attention because they 'feel' that loss of love. These behaviors when viewed by outsiders (OW maybe) can seem like the wife is a bitch or not a good wife, but often this is in response to their CS's behavior. So, even though the OW is sure the wife is at fault, often the catalyst lies in the feelings the CS has for someone outside the marriage. This is not always easy to realize and often what we observe in a marriage is very misleading to the truth.
Do not blame the wife. As an OW you really only know your side. Walk away and work on yourself. They can work on their marriage and it is up to them to fix it and recover. You can only work on yourself and try to get over someone you loved. Loving and losing is hard, no matter what. Let yourself grieve and then move forward.
Thank you for the thoughtful reply. Before the affair started I warned my friend, the BS, that her husband was contacting me and that I was concerned for their marriage. She got very angy with me and denied that there was anything wrong with the marriage, other than her husbands unhealthy interest in me. Her solution to the problem was to cut off all contact with me, and sever the friendship. Unfortunately, because of my own emotional problems, I was very susceptible to her husbands sympathetic advances. Anyways, she continues to argue after 2.5 years that there is nothing wrong with their marriage, other than me. Why this might have been true 2.5 years ago, and the marriage was basically sound other than her husbands infatuation with me, at this point I can say for sure that it is totally screwed up. He refuses to end our affair, I refuse to end the affair, she refuses to divorce him and continues to tolerate his philandering ways. I know that her apparent craziness is a result of his actions, I understand that when someone betrays you so deeply, lies to you so much, that is does make you legitimately crazy. And at times I am the crazy one, as his inability to change the situation drives us both crazy. He is the ultimate Cakester.
I know that she is a good person, and is basically willing to do anything to keep the family together. I am trying to be the one to make the break that we all need. I have moved to a new town, new state. But..... he is still willing to drive and see me. I am hoping that in the next few days that I can be the3 one to STOP THE INSANITY. I know all his weaknesses, faults and yet still always forgive him, just like she does. What does this guy have that has 2 beautiful, smart woman to trying to make him happy LOL?