Cheater's Anonymous has the most activity. As a former OW the best advice I can tell you is to distance yourself from him. Don't answer his calls. In fact, change your phone #'s, e-mail addresses, unfriend him from FB or other Social networks. Don't answer your door if he comes knocking.

Do you have to see him every day because of work or being neighbors?

No I don't have to see him. We had secret second phones because his wife monitors his phone, and I had them turned off today. I told him that if he called me one time I would change my number. I told his wife that if he tried to contact me in any way I would let her know. He knows this too. I sent him a copy of the email I sent his wife letting her know that I had asked for NC.

i would sure appreciate it if someone had a little positive advice. Boy did I take a hit tonight on the infidelity forum.... ex-OW needs advice. Why is is so politically correct to support the BS that they had ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSIBILITY for their husbands unhappiness?

I didn't say responsibility for the CHEATING. I said unhappiness, as in marital dissatisfaction. Yes it would be great if the CS had an open and honest discussion before any betrayal, instead of just dropping vague hints that there may be a problem.

PJ, sometimes the OW is also a victim. I have had it both ways. My ex cheated and the OW was indeed a victim as well since she was completely unaware he was married. However, once she knew he was married and his wife was actually 8 months pregnant she should have had no further contact. She instead chose to believe him when he told her the child wasnt his. Why not? After all, he had been so honest with her before when he told her he was divorced and then she found out that was a complete fabrication. But she wanted to believe it so she did. Then called me the naive one because I continued to try and save my marriage. Well I had a brand new baby and another child with him and two older children. As well as 12 years of marriage. She had been dating him for 3 months so ofcourse, I would be the naive one! That is in my opinion when she stopped being the victim. She then knew she was involved with a married man. She then knew that there was a whole family being splintered by their relationship that was built on nothing but lies.

Your best and smartest move so far has been the NC. A man that will play with the emotions of two women is not a man you would want to spend the rest of your life with. If you had children with him or had a relationship that at the beginning years was at least one based on love and respect, then I could see you hoping it would change for the better and become one that u could hold on to. But that isnt the case. Especially since he is still talking reconciliation with the wife and was only separated for 3 months of the 2 year relationship you have had.

I am not judging you here. People can make sure really screwed up choices in their lives. I have made a few whoppers myself. We all can, but what makes us good people is seeing those mistakes for what they were, making amends as best we can and learning from them so we never repeat them. My way of thinking is what allowed me to forgive my husband for cheating.

I know that the world isnt black and white but many many shades of gray. I actually can forgive some pretty bad things if the persons intentions were not to be hurtful. The OW that cheated with my h, I dont feel could be forgiven by me because she was well aware he was married and pursued him anyway. She admits to that and actually blackmailed him when he broke it off, with telling me if he did. She told me not out of some honorable thing but so I would kick him out and he would be forced to come live with her because she thought he had no where else to go. She even bragged to our son about how she was doing that. Maliciousness is not something I can forgive.

You are trying to end this relationship and do the right thing, Stick with it! But expecting BS's in the infidelity room to support you is stretching it. Many of them have been severely burned by OW and their CS. Some of them VERY recently. I know one of them that had to uproot her whole family with the exception of her 15 yo son and move 2500 miles away leaving all her friends and family behind. The OW being angry that the CS didnt leave his wife for her (she was young, in her 20s) told the bosses about the A at the company. She sued him and he had to settle. The money came from them personally and bankrupted them. So she also lost all her financial security as well. The 20 yo girl was no victim and only did the harassment thing after she realized after harassing the wife for 2 months she wasnt going to walk away and let her have her life! She wanted the husband sure, but she wanted the wealthy lifestyle they had as well. The wife just wanted her family which is why she actually stayed with him even after all the money was gone.

I am telling you this so you might understand that the wife is holding on not just to her marriage, but her life. The life she spent years building and sacrificing for. You ending he relationship and having no contact with the MM will hurt you but after the pain has gone your life will be as it was. In the case of the BS, that isnt at all how it is. She will now have a broken home, the income in the home will be either taken completely (if she is a stay at home mom) or cut in half, her children will now have to deal with divorce and all that she worked for and sacrificed for will have been for nothing.

The thing is even if he comes home and you are no longer in the picture. The A is over and you and he no longer have any contact, it will haunt her for years. You will go on, probably meet someone else within a relatively short time but she will live with the affair shadowing everything they do for years to come. She will question her worth, her looks, her sexual attraction, his love for her, his honesty, his faithfulness for a long long time. So it isnt just politically correctness that makes people support the BS.

She does not hold any responsibility whatsoever for his cheating and certainly none for your choice to be with him. She may hold responsibility for problems in the marriage, but believe me when I tell you that is a mutual thing between the CS and BS. She was given NO CHOICE regarding his affair, no input at all. If the problems were so severe in the marriage that the MM was unhappy then he had options, many of them..but the one option he NEVER had was betrayal.

Mommy is right in her analogy...blaming the BS for the MM cheating is like blaming the beaten wife for provoking her husband. There is never an excuse to hit someone and there is never an excuse to cheat.

I hope you can get some support and move on to a happier life that includes a healthy relationship with a man that respects you enough to give you his whole life and his whole heart instead of what is left over after he has given it to his family. I am sure you will miss him, but you are much better off without him . Hopefully this was a one time issue for him and he will go to marriage counseling with his wife so they can get to the root of the problem and heal. Do you know it takes usually 2 years for the BS to get past the devastation of an affair?

So when you wonder why the BS gets the support while the OW doesnt, it is because you ending the relationship with him will have the same difficulty ending any relationship has with all the same emotions. However, the emotions the BS will deal with are going to be there no matter whether she stays or goes. It will follow her forever, unless she does get help. It will be a part of any future relationship she has and she will have difficulty ever trusting again. Finding out your husband is cheating on you is the most devastating thing you can ever imagine. PJ, I am telling you, I have had a very hard life..but NOTHING I have been through EVER compared to the devastation I felt when I found out my h cheated. NOTHING! I was in shock for days. I couldnt function. I have a chronic illness that causes anxiety. My doctors tried for years to get me to take meds for it and I refused because I think we all have anxiety and I needed to just deal with mine. When I found out about the A, after a week of 24 hr a day panic attacks, I gave in and started taking the meds. 3 months later, with my h and I now making huge strides in recovery, I am still having those attacks. I have nightmares still atleast twice a week. They say the only comparison to it is having your spouse suddenly killed You go through the same emotions as you do in the sudden death of a loved one.

I am not saying you feel nothing and your situation is a walk in the park...not at all. I am sure it is very hard. Every day since you learned he was married and you continued the relationship, even hiding it from the wife by your secret phones has been a choice. The wife, she was never given that choice.

I didn't ask the BSs for support, I asked them to not bash me while I was trying to get a message out to the OWs to join me for discussion in another group.

Mommy 224 and Nanasrcool thank you for your thoughtful replies.

I believe her point has been made. She is only looking for OW to support her bad behaviour. What both of you wrote (mommy 224 and Nanasrcool) was right on. It was great that you took the time to write what you did for somebody that didn't bother to listen.

Sadly I have been around here for a long time and I have seen a lot of people come around here.

PJ, if you are looking for reasons and strength to move on then you should be open to listening to some of the stories of the betrayed. To only want to hear from OW is going to leave you with a one part of the equation in understanding this mess that you are in. The OW/OM I have seen here that find the strength to leave and find the strength to rebuild their lives are the ones who take the time to listen to the words of the betrayed as well as the OP or CS.

There are few better motivators then to hear the stories of the pain and destruction infidelity causes to those who really never saw it coming. There are a bunch of us here and we were good wives and husbands who were blindsided by the actions of our spouse and their OP. We are trying to rebuild ourselves, our children, and somehow make sense of the mess we were put into. To be a contributing factor to the destruction of a family and to really know the pain you are causing could be all the strength you need to stay away from him. Hearing stories that could make you realize that some of the things you believe about your MM's wife could be all wrong, might change your attitude.

It has already been said to you that blaming a BS for the choices of the CS is wrong and that is the absolute truth. You are correct that the majority of the time, the problems in the marriage are the fault of both spouses. Both have a hand in the condition of the marriage, but there is no condition, problem, or issue in a marriage that excuses cheating. The CS always has choices and there are so many other choices besides cheating. Having an affair is not a choice that should be on the table when you are having trouble in your marriage.

My honest suggestion would be that if you are wanting get a true handle on what you are doing, where you should be going, and how to change things then be open and willing to hear everything and learn all aspects of this mess.

I have no problem to listening to wisdom no matter what the source. The only thing that I asked was for a little kindness and respect. No bashing. The reason that I asked for input from the other women was that I had already heard so much from the BS, but the OW are elusive on this site, so I was trying to draw them out and engage them in the discussion because their perspective was what I felt I needed at this point. I have been reading this site for 2 years and have used the pain of the BS to dry strength for my own struggle. But now that I have made the decision on NC and I am walking that walk now I would like to hear from people who have experienced what I am going through.

You should try Cheaters Anonymous and Cheaters Only. There are different degrees of OW there ranging from those who are still involved to those that have found the way to move on. There are also many CS's who were also OW because they got involved with married people. You might find more of what you are looking for in those groups, especially Cheaters Only, which is a group that does not allow betrayeds at all and you have to be "accepted" into that group by the founder.

I am sorry for the comments that I made that hurt some of you. They were rude. Good Luck to everyone here in their struggles.

Prodigal Jane, I used to post here on DS a lot, but I rarely post anymore. Whoever when I saw your post, I was fully intending to express my support for your plan. And I still say GOOD FOR YOU BREAKING IT OFF! I had absolutely of "bashing" anyone, merely to support and encourage someone who has made the decision TO DO THE RIGHT THING!

But I decided while offering my support to you, I would also point out that your post "i would sure appreciate it if someone had a little positive advice. Boy did I take a hit tonight on the infidelity forum.... ex-OW needs advice. Why is is so politically correct to support the BS that they had ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSIBILITY for their husbands unhappiness?" "bashes" those of us who have been betrayed!

And that is called a double standard! You are making a blanket statement and assuming that all Betrayed are the same, we are not!

Because of the decades of emotional abuse I have suffered at the hands of a frigid husband who rejected me sexually throughout our marriage and when I finally began to express my feelings about it openly, chose, as as is typical of abusers when their victims become more openly confrontational, stepped up the abuse by cheating on me!

I already had a significant case of PTSD, kind of goes with the territory if you are abused. So imagine how much more traumatized I was by his cheating and then imagine how horribly BEING STALKED BY THE OTHER WOMAN

Prodigal Jane, I used to post here on DS a lot, but I rarely post anymore. Whoever when I saw your post, I was fully intending to express my support for your plan. And I still say GOOD FOR YOU BREAKING IT OFF! I had absolutely of "bashing" anyone, merely to support and encourage someone who has made the decision TO DO THE RIGHT THING!

But I decided while offering my support to you, I would also point out that your post "i would sure appreciate it if someone had a little positive advice. Boy did I take a hit tonight on the infidelity forum.... ex-OW needs advice. Why is is so politically correct to support the BS that they had ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSIBILITY for their husbands unhappiness?" "bashes" those of us who have been betrayed!

And that is called a double standard! You are making a blanket statement and assuming that all Betrayed are the same, we are not!

Because of the decades of emotional abuse I have suffered at the hands of a frigid husband who rejected me sexually throughout our marriage and when I finally began to express my feelings about it openly, chose, as as is typical of abusers when their victims become more openly confrontational, stepped up the abuse by cheating on me!

I already had a significant case of PTSD, kind of goes with the territory if you are abused. So imagine how much more traumatized I was by his cheating and then imagine how horribly BEING STALKED BY THE OTHER WOMAN

Prodigal Jane, I used to post here on DS a lot, but I rarely post anymore. Whoever when I saw your post, I was fully intending to express my support for your plan. And I still say GOOD FOR YOU BREAKING IT OFF! I had absolutely of "bashing" anyone, merely to support and encourage someone who has made the decision TO DO THE RIGHT THING!

But I decided while offering my support to you, I would also point out that your post "i would sure appreciate it if someone had a little positive advice. Boy did I take a hit tonight on the infidelity forum.... ex-OW needs advice. Why is is so politically correct to support the BS that they had ABSOLUTELY NO RESPONSIBILITY for their husbands unhappiness?" "bashes" those of us who have been betrayed!

And that is called a double standard! You are making a blanket statement and assuming that all Betrayed are the same, we are not!

Because of the decades of emotional abuse I have suffered at the hands of a frigid husband who rejected me sexually throughout our marriage and when I finally began to express my feelings about it openly, chose, as as is typical of abusers when their victims become more openly confrontational, stepped up the abuse by cheating on me!

I already had a significant case of PTSD, kind of goes with the territory if you are abused. So imagine how much more traumatized I was by his cheating and then imagine how horribly BEING STALKED BY THE OTHER WOMAN

OK, my computer posted this before I was finished! Here's where I left off.

I already had a significant case of PTSD, kind of goes with the territory if you are abused. So imagine how much more traumatized I was by his cheating and then imagine how horribly BEING STALKED BY THE OTHER WOMAN traumatized me! I STILL have home invasion nightmares, even though the affair ended two years ago. And it is amazing how often the OP does stalk the Betrayed Partner!

Several of the people on the Infidelity Message Boards came forward with their own stories of being stalked by the person their partner had cheated with! As a result of her stalking me, I slept with a knife and baseball bat, even though it would have been almost impossible for her to actually come to my home, considering that the nature of their affair was cyber and cell phone! Assuming she has not moved she lives over 1,000 miles away from me!

I slept with my knife and baseball every night for about a year and still feel the need to sleep with them when something triggers me! This a poem I wrote about being stalked. I hope you get my main point, which is WHY DO YOU BELIEVE THE PERSON WHO IS CHEATING IS BEING HONEST WITH YOU?

Being Stalked

The other woman stalked me!
I lived in terror of her...
Because of my Abusive Future Ex...

He opened the door...
He turned on the light...
He let her in...
He put the knife in her hand and he turned his back...

As she stabbed me,
Again and again!

His behavior closely mirrored his "mother's" when he told her the truth about what had been done to him.
Denial, minimizing what had heppened,
which of course it hadn't...

Because her wonderful brother WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT!!!

And a self-proclaimed "poor, innocent, miserable husband"
WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT HIS WIFE, OR HIS MARRIAGE!!!

So explain to me how HIS unhappiness is MY FAULT, because he pretty much always blames me for everything, so I'm used to that! Here's a list of the things he has blamed me for:

1. Not having a job he likes
2. Not having any friends
3. His intimacy issues
4. His not attending our son's wedding
5. His decision a year and a half ago to become completely celibate
6. His decision to stop therapy

And the list goes on and on...

So, again, what am I to blame for?

! And apparently OP just blithely assume that it must be the Betrayed fault that this wonderful man or woman who is