Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) Support Group
Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) an ongoing pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures that goes beyond the bounds of normal childhood behavior. When a child cannot seem to control his anger or frustration, even over what seems to be trivial or simple to others, the child will often react in violent or negative ways to his own...
My 13 yr old son with ADHD/ODD has really been opening up to me, probably because I am actually staying with him when he goes into a rage rather than walking away and ignoring him. I have mentioned the parenting class I took through beyondconsequences.com and I feel I have come a long way in regards to communicating with my son. Last week he said some pretty harsh things that were very hard for me to hear. See, before we started therapy, we used to get so frustrated and yelled at him and spanked him to try to get him to behave. That's how our parents raised us, we didn't know any better. I don't believe it was 'abusive' but I know now that it was wrong and it has really affected my son. We haven't spanked him since he was 11 and very rarely yell now. When he was screaming and yelling at me last week I kept telling him it's okay to be angry and to tell me what he was angry about, no threat of consequences. Then it all came out. He brought up all of the times we hit him and yelled at him and told me how scared it made him feel. OMG! I felt like I was hit with a brick. The way he described it sounded horrific and I can't imagine what he was going through and I understand how hard this is for him to let it go and forgive us. I'm not sure if I will be able to forgive myself. Like I said, I don't think it was as abusive as he described, but it is his reality and this is how he remembers it. All I could do was sit next to him with tears in my eyes and put my hand on his thigh (He won't let me hug him) and tell him how very sorry I am for what he went through. I assured him that I would do everything I can to make him feel safe no matter what. As hard as it was for me to hear, he needed to say it more than I didn't want to hear it. Hopefully we are one step closer to healing our relationship.
This has been weighing heavily upon my shoulders and I am sharing it with you so you can have some insight to a child in his teens and how our reactions so deeply affect them. They do not stay in the moment, they live a lifetime. If you are a parent at your ropes end and can't seem to get through to your child and are so extremely frustrated, please keep this post in mind. I hope it helps just one of you. Keep trying to find help and control your reactions to your child when they are behaving so horridly. Listen to what they are saying no matter how they are saying it. Thanks for reading.
This has been weighing heavily upon my shoulders and I am sharing it with you so you can have some insight to a child in his teens and how our reactions so deeply affect them. They do not stay in the moment, they live a lifetime. If you are a parent at your ropes end and can't seem to get through to your child and are so extremely frustrated, please keep this post in mind. I hope it helps just one of you. Keep trying to find help and control your reactions to your child when they are behaving so horridly. Listen to what they are saying no matter how they are saying it. Thanks for reading.
My wife called spanking abusive. I felt a simple shot to the ass with my hand was appropriate. I really hated being contradicted and challanged by my wife. Spare the rod and spoil the child. I find it no coincidence that he walks all over my wife while I seem to be the law bringer.
However I have come to realize that when I spank I do so out of anger and a need to show my son who is boss. It only makes him more emotional as well. I really feel powerless alot of times...he looks me in the eye and says "NO" and smiles saying "Mom says NO spanking". Grrrrrr. This from a 7 year old...I cant wait for his teens.
he also speaks of events that happened years ago making them sound like they happened yesterday. He was in tears a few days ago describing how this boy hit him in the park with a stick, which happened 4 years ago.
Do not spend time regretting the past or fearing the future. All we have is the moment. In the moment anything is possible. In the moment there is nothing to fear.
Regarding your question about starting a conversation during a fit...you can't. At that point all reason and tolerance has left the room and you just have to be present with her and listen to her to find our what is wrong. Just keep these things in mind: Do not take anything she says personally, it's not about you, it's about here. Really listen to what she is saying no matter how it is being said, kids communicate through behavior. Finally, no matter how silly you think the reason she is freakin out is, it is her reality and it is a big deal, don't minimize it. Later when the fit is over, then you can have a discussion about what the issue is. You jsut have to be careful not to start it all over again. Do this by talking about how you felt about the incident without being accusational. Even if you don't take the class, you can buy the book called Beyond Consequences Logic and Control, volumes 1 & 2. Super helpful with examples. Hang in there and don't give up. (I know, easier said than done!)