Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) Support Group
Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) an ongoing pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures that goes beyond the bounds of normal childhood behavior. When a child cannot seem to control his anger or frustration, even over what seems to be trivial or simple to others, the child will often react in violent or negative ways to his own...
Hi All, First Time Poster here...
My 16-year-old son was recently diagnosed by a therapist with ODD. He used to be a kind, caring, responsible boy until he started high school. It slowly began with defiance in school when he had a class with a teacher he didn't like. We managed to curb that somewhat, but then it got worse each year. This year we were finally in a good place at school but things at home got worse. He began to walk around the house with a sense of entitlement, demanding things like his drivers license, a car, video games, etc. We never gave in to these demands without the exchange of responsibility. He also began to violently refuse to go to church. Then things took a turn for the worse.
My husband never understood that yelling and intimidation is not an effective discipline for the kids. I've been trying to tell him this for years. One evening he got into an argument with our son, and since I wasn't where the argument took place I can't exactly say what happened, other than it ended in a physical altercation (something that has never happened before) and my son hasn't spoken to either one of us with any level of respect since. He has also assaulted his younger brother on multiple occassions and has threatened to kill us in our sleep. We've had the police involved twice, but he apparently knows what to say to them and to the crisis hotline to ensure that he isn't taken away to a psychiatric evaluation. He says his end goal is to be put into a foster home because he despises us and we are abusive. He has started using vulgar language too - this coming from a child that a year ago wouldn't even spell cuss words. He says this is who he is and that we should "live with it."
We have never been physically violent with him - just my husband yelling at him when he gets angry. We have always lived in a quiet, loving home,and have been supportive of both of our children. Today, we live in a hostile environment, where our son rules the roost, does whatever he wants, refuses to do school work, refuses to clean up after himself, and continues to use the most vulgar cussing and swearing I've ever heard from a teenager. My husband is in therapy and taking medication for his angry outbursts, has apologized and shown that he's getting help, to no avail. I appear to be collateral damage, where all he accuses me is of being condesceding (this because I monitor his school work and want him to do better). We are also attending family and individual therapy, but it's been via tele-health due to the pandemic, and our son refuses to engage in the family sessions.
This is tearing us all apart. My husband and I are depressed, we feel helpless, and we see that his 18th birthday keeps getting closer without seeing any progress. I'd love to hear from others who have gone through this, especially those who have seen progress and can give us hope.
Thanks for listening.
The only advice I can offer is to find resources to help you hold him accountable for his behavior. I've studied the Love and Logic parenting approach and it did help some in the beginning. Perhaps it was me not being able to keep to the strategies, but he has since steam rolled me. I firmly believe that until the light bulb comes on for him to realize that he isn't in charge of everything in his surroundings, including what the world offers him, his behavior will not improve.
Don't give up hope. Keep searching for help.
Sorry to hear of your troubles. Ours started 3-4 years back with a behavioral change similar to what you describe. Formerly one of the happiest and joyous creatures became something / someone else.
We have had the police to our house 8-9 times since then, he has been hospitalized twice and spent six months in a group home. There have been legal entanglements from his condition, and juvenile detention was a real possibility that was narrowly avoided.
I get the death threats often. Less often than I used to, but really, any death threats are something no one should have to absorb. My wife has been assaulted a couple of times and he tried to commit suicide once.
It is important to remember that none of us are ready to handle any of this out of the gate. It is unexpected, traumatizing, and disabling. Self-care for you and your family are incredibly important.
I have gone through a grieving process, trauma counseling, constant therapy, and have recently started with anti-depressants. We are doing **ok**, but it is very very hard to deal with on a long-term basis.
For us, what helped was getting him a neuropsych, which gave us directional guidance for what was going on with him. It informed our support approach and was the basis for getting him on a medicinal course that has improved his baseline significantly.
I should point out that this was not voluntary. He was introduced to the first course of meds during the first hospitalization. He was resistant, but they don't really get a choice in locked facilities. By the time he was discharged he had improved enough that he could understand how important they were to maintaining his baseline.
Secondly the neuropsych enabled us to get support from the Department of Mental Health, and the School District. They generally don't do much for you without some kind of supporting diagnosis.
NAMI is also a great resource for finding resources:
https://www.nami.org/findsupport?state=MA
I read about how to handle school refusal and the recomendation is that after talking about it and trying to make accomodations, if the teen still refuses to go , have him clean, work on the yard etc. I know that it will not work with my teen.I will talk to the school and perhaps call the truant officer. The school is trying to help but they can not do much if he does not want the help. They suggested an alternative school for my teen.The problem is that first, he does not want to go and second I am concerned about him picking up some very bad behaviors from peers. It would be nice if he could go to some nice christian school, but of course he refuses and he would get himself kicked out in a second if I made him go. It is sad , I hope he gets better before he gets into real trouble.