Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) Support Group

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) an ongoing pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures that goes beyond the bounds of normal childhood behavior. When a child cannot seem to control his anger or frustration, even over what seems to be trivial or simple to others, the child will often react in violent or negative ways to his own...

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SD_MOM 03/20/2018

Hi all,

We are having a lot of trouble with our 8 year old son and his defiant, unreasonable, disrespectful behavior. He's not officially diagnosed but fits every description of OOD to every detail except displaying behavior in multiple places. He's the perfect student at school, listens to directions, keeps up with work, works well with others, is respectful etc. . All of his teachers have always told me they wish all kids could be like him. And when he comes home, he's absolutely the opposite. Little things can set him off and before I know it we have a shouting match. He's constantly telling me (and my husband) to shut up, mind my own business and at worst cases how much he hates us, wishes he could have another family, etc. We have tried rewarding him for good behavior, which works for a day but does not create long term change. We've tried punishing him by taking things away for bad behavior, which makes things worse. I've read to avoid things that cause a fight but unfortunately that is not a possibility for most things. He blows up when I ask him to take a bath and I can't simply go without having him take a bath. He would ask for candy and get upset if I say no. We can't just let him eat treats any time he wants. We have tried point system but every tim he falls behind, he gives up because he says there's no way he can earn back his priviliges.

The whole thing is made worse by the fact that his little brother is the sweetest kid with a kind heart, empathy, etc. I feel on one hand he sees all the praise and the effortless life his brother leads and makes him feel worse. I also feel bad he is slowly ruining his brother's behavior as well as he's picking up disrespectful phrases, etc.

I've read everyone's stories and it's great to know we're not alone in this. But I'd love to get some tips on what has worked for others and also if you recommend any books and resources for a new family dealing with this.

Beautywillrise 03/20/2018

Behavioral therapy is key! It will help give you the tools you will need to know how to respond/not respond to your son. We did a year of behavioral therapy and at the time I felt like it was pointless but looking back, it's prepared me for my journey today. Through behavioral therapy, I learned to water the flowers (good behavior) and ignore the weeds (bad behavior). Believe it or not, it really does work! These kids thrive off praise so that is a must...no matter how small it is. We also started my daughter on GABA and Juice Plus back in November and it has changed our lives. You can follow our journey in my facebook group Overcoming Oppositional Defiant Disorder. Here's a link if you're interested.
https://www.facebook.com/groups/163756444347226/

klacoste 04/10/2018

The psychologist that did my daughters psych testing recommended "the defiant child". My husband has read the entire thing and said it was great, I have only read a bit. Some of the methods in the book are a little harsh and I don't think my daughter would respond well to them at all, but there is some helpful information. We ordered it off of Amazon.

Panda18 05/06/2018

Hi, My story is very similar to yours, only difference is that my eldest is the loving, patient one that tries to get along with his defiant, aggressive little brother. What has helped for us, for at least some of the time (which is priceless!) is the "know when to pick your fights and hug it out" method. Like many patients with this condition, hugs or any type of physical interaction can be strained and even avoided when the child is being violent or threatens to be violent in any way...yet their are times when you can actually see the hurt and frustration in their eyes. It's as if they know they're out of control and they hate it, but feel trapped and can't seem to avoid it.
These are the times where I try to plant seeds of good, because he's being well... vulnerable and manageable.
My heart would just break knowing he needs more help and all I want to do is hold him and make it all better. But, I couldn't just get into "his" space. So, after paying to his reactions, I noticed that after his horrible tantrums and violent outbursts where things were broken, rude language was used, aggression was sought out etc he would start crying and yelling all the while looking lost and scared. I would see that after all the fuss, he was actually exhausted and scared. So, I prayed, hold my breath, made sure he was inside his room so he wouldn't hurt anyone (he's 6 but unusually strong when he's angry) and I start stating that I love him, that I understand his already exhausted and scared (which he fires back by throwing something) but I keep at it. After a few minutes of this, and being as calm as possible I get closer and I tell him I want to hug him because I know that he needs me.
Usually, even if he does fight back kicking and screaming, he slowly notices how fast his heart is going and how exhausted he feels, he then falls into my arms and just cries. He then says he's sorry and states how hard it is to obey and how scared he feels when he can't stop himself from being violent.

I know it's not a cure, and it doesn't work all the time, but now after 2 years after he was 1st diagnosed, I can understand how he feels, because I can see it in his eyes. These are times were shouting back won't work. Letting him do his thing while in a closed room and while you remind him softly that he can't hurt you or break anything in a firm way, seemed to get him madder at first, but then he welcomed it and wanted me to help him calm down.
Those are the moments where my son seems to come back at least for a few minutes, sometimes hours. The key is to know when to do this and when to acknowledge the actual out of control no going back look-where the gentle hug won't help at all.
I hope this helps. When that moment comes and your child invites you in his chaos for you to help, do it. Even if it's just for a few seconds. I strongly belief those seconds of calm are very valuable, and maybe the child won't forget and will eventually strive to have more moments like these with us.

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