I hope you are still in therapy. and they are right if you teo cannot be on the same page and work as a team then it is not going to work for your daughter. so he had a rough childhood and has had problems with things yes he does have a family now and maybe he has a good job. but it is not about him now it is about what is best for her, you need to take some control and I knowthis is easier said then done, but as long as you listen to him tell you that you are stupid and all that and show you no respect then her is in control, and your daughter needs a better example set for her, you have your hands full with her, you do not need to have your hands full with both ofthem, the stress going on is not good for anyone, but kids with ODD really do not handle stress well at all, they need consistency and routine, an enviroment that is calm as possible because their behaviors are usaully what cause the storm having all that other stuff going on is really hard. my husband and I were not always on the same page either, he is also the softie. he does not go to therapy with us., but he finally realized that he and I needed to work together, no we do not always. but it is better. our daughter sees two different people amd is on meds. it is not perfect but it is better, the therapist help us with solutions and stratagies, we take it one day at a time, wether you choose to stay or leave you need to just keep goingto therapy and doing what is best for your daughter, you are not going to be able to change your husband .so concentrate on your kids and making the best life for them,good luck,

Yes we are still in therapy once a week, well me and my daughter are, my husband makes up excuses why he can't go. We are trying out different medications for her, she in on clonidine right now which seems to have it's plus's. She starts her counseling this week, twice a week with just her. My husband is againest it because they have a claus that it's just between my daughter and them, patient confidentialty. Unless there's some kind of warning sign. He argues that he wants to know what they talk about and being her father he has every right to. She had the same couselor last year and it worked out great, it was something that was just hers to vent to without worrying about getting into trouble. I'm dreading her starting school though, we had many meetings last year with the school, but my husband finds blame in the school not anywhere else, so it's constent battle, if my daughter hits or swears at school, then he defends it someway, blaming the school system and how it sucks. Then I feel stuck in the middle, do I stand besides my husband who blames others? I just normally sit there with a look of "I'm so sorry" on my face. And if I try to say well she has to face her actions, then its another fight..always a fight about something. I am the softie though, I will admit that, but I feel I have to be to make up for him being so hard on her. I am changing though and do punish, just not as much as my husband, and most of the time he goes on top of my punishments with his own and twice as long (grounding for weeks at a time or dishes for weeks) So it gets to the point where theres nothing to take away. Okay I felt the need to vent again..guess I just have to take it one day at a time.

does your daughter have an IEP or a 504 plan through the school? if she has an oficial dx. of ODD then she should be able to qualifyfor a 504 plan, it is an accoamdation plan that would help set her up at school to help her get through the days with as little stress as possible. she could benifit from it. your husband would not even have to attend the meetings or sign anything. just you. write a request to the school principal wanting your daughter tested for a 504 pln. makea copy of the request, get the therapist involved too, they have so many days to reply to your request. here it is 45 days. keep on them a lotof schools will drag their feet. as far as the therapy being confiditional. that is the law. that isalso the onlyrrason my daughter even talksto someone is because she knows nothing leaves that room, these kids need someone to vent too, as far as balming other people for her behaviors it may be true something set her off, however we have told our daughter her behavior and actions are her choice and she needs to make better choices for herself, she get's into trouble also, she does not like it, but we are tryingto teach her that she canot blame people or things for her actions weare all responsible for how we behave, she knows right from wrong and yes it is a struggle for her to makethe right choice but with the right tools she can do it. as far as punishmnet with her we use short term because anything long term has no effect on her. if you ground her for a week then by the middle of the week you have a full blown mess on her hands, and unless the bahvior is really bad we take only one thing away. she needs to stay busy and when she is bored she tends to have more meltdaowns. it is a work in progress with her. you have to be ready with new strageties because what works today may not work tommorow, and you have almost have to parent these kids different then your others, my husband is a owner/operator and he is not always around either, heis involved in her life and he is informed how her herapy is going and we do work together as a team, howverr he sometimes has a hard time dealing with it because it tears him apart that his daughter is different and struggles, so if she has a bad day at school I do not always share it with him,or even she has a bad time at home, he sometimes can blow up too, when he is home and she goes off on one of her behaviors, he will tell her she is gorunded for a long time or tells her she can find someplace else to live, but only if she is really going off and we have been trying to calm her down for awhile, but he knows to that he needs to just work with me on it, sometimes I lose it too, when she has the other kids crying or has thrown something and is totally out of control, none of us are perfect, but that is okay, because we an learn from that and make better choices next time, hang in there, do what you can and if you can do it without hubby then do it, yourdaughter comes first, she needs the support and guidiance both at home and school,. ask the therapist about a 504 plan though I think your daughter would benifit from it,

We did have a plan at the end of last year, We met with the principal, guidence counselor, her teacher, hall teacher and nurse. My daughter is really smart, brings homes A's and B's and she rarely if at all gets into trouble inside the classroom. It's the hallway or lunch, recess or bus where she has contact with other students. We live in a small community, theres around 60 kids her in grade, and since she's had problems since the start of school, they all know her and they know how to push her buttons, so to say. So that does not help either. Her plan, which I don't think it was called anything that I know of, if she started to get upset over something, or felt the need to talk she was to go to the principal, or nurse. She doesn't feel comfortable going to the guidence counselor he's male and that could be a reason. Not sure though she just doesn't like him I guess. She shows signs of when shes going to get angry, she tenses up, balls up her fists, they all have seen it and know when to tell her to go to where she needs to vent. It seemed like a good plan. Few weeks before this meeting my daughter smacked this boy upside the head at recess, they told her to go talk to the principal, she refused she just say down, they went and got the principal who came out to talk to her, She would not move, the principal told her he was going to call her parents to come and pick her up, and she said she was going to kill herself. Well that day the Police officer was at the school and the principal got him, then she still said she was going to kill herself, and he called the other cop in town and we were called also. Well when we got there she was still sitting on the ground the only bad thing was she had the sympathy of the cops now. I know there are alot of kids out there that are serious about suicide but my daughter uses it when shes in trouble. The cop told us that normally they would do a 24 hour hold on her and take her in. But because of the situtation and her age, they would release her to us. My husband said no commit her, let her realize that telling people that's shes going to kill herself isn't a joke. The officer just laughed, and my husband told the cop that if she kills herself then they are liable. The cop said well instead of commiting her we will charge her with assult for hitting that boy. And hopefully that will help. So to be charged they had to get a report from the boy she hit and his parents. They live right down the street from us, and the sad thing is, my daughter had a crush on this boy. So there relationship was that of a normal 11 year old crush. So this boy of course told everyone my daughter is in trouble and has to go to court. So the last few weeks of school were hard on her with that. I do know the school pulled that boy into the office and discussed with him not to talk about her in any way. And they were not allowed to talk to one another at all, but this boy also has issues, he goes to the same counselor my daughter goes to. I talk to his mother and she sees no problems with them being friends, and understands the love/hate relationship and said she would talk to her son and tell him that if he can't say anything nice to her then not to say anything at all. And I also talked to my daughter, my husband said she cannot be anywhere he is, which is hard. Since she's gotten off of probation which she was sentenced to 3 months and 10 hours of community service, I can't say she's improving but she seems to know to keep her hands off of people. She's not hitting her brother or sister anymore, but she's still throwing the tantrums if she doesn't get her way. She hasn't told us she's wanting to kill herself either since then. The super-intendent called a few weeks ago, my husband was home when he called so he talked to him. He wanted to set a plan up for my daughter and this coming year. My husband told him that wasn't the issue it was the school and he will come in and talk to him about what's going to be done about the people that work there and how stupid they are. So I will call the school and set something up so that we won't start out with problems. My husband thinks shes bored at school and she does the homework so fast then shes got to much free time to get into trouble. But her teacher worked really well with her and gave her extra stuff to do when she ran out. This year she will be going class to class, not in one setting. Different teachers for different classes. So I'm hoping the change will help her also.
I totally agree with you and having to deal with the kids differently. My other two all I have to say is get in your rooms and bam they are there, my daughter though its screaming and yelling and namecalling and she still wont go. I have to unplug all the TVs in the house for her to listen to me. Which is fine for me, its quiet if she quiets down. Well today is another day...

my daughter does better at school to, although the kids know how to push her buttons, she has problems in the hallway and lunch line and recess. she had some really good teachers last year that did great with her, but she really struggles in PE, between the lockers and the girls and her and the teacher not getting along she had issues there. she too would not comply, part of it was because the class was not as structered as other classes. and it was not the teacher she did everything possible to make thingseasy on her, thank haeavens she does not ride a bus, I take her and pick her up. we cannot let her walk because shewould not come straight home, she will go and talk to the principal and he will check up on her to see how she is doing, however she is moving up to the jr. high side this year and will have a different one, same building just different side, it is a small school too and town, can make it tough, I have had only had to call the sheriff one her once, she did not come home from school and we could not find her, they finally did she had went to art club with some other kids but did not tell anyone,she will be going out for volleyball this year abd Iam thankful she is good in the athletics. but she will have to monitered at games, as I said the kids know how to push her buttons and she struggles with ignoringthem and just going on, what iratates me some is the fact that she is not innocent but theye need to be taught that kids are different and they need to be more accepting, but of course that is taught at home, and some parents do not teach their kids manners on how to treat other kids, they do not have to be her friend but leave her alone, I do like our school though they have been very supportive of her, and I worked in a school where parents had to fight for that, so far I have not had to, the teachers and adminstartive staff have been wonderful. she tells us at home she wants to die, I do not thinkshe has ever said it at school. well good luck and hang in there.. I am there if you need to vent.