Hi, everyone.

My wife and I have three children.  An 11-year old neurotypical daughter (named C) and twin 14 (nearly 15)-year old fraternal twin boys, one of whom (named W) is neurotypical, and one of whom (named P) has ADHD/ODD/Depression and is on the Autism Spectrum (though high-functioning).  He takes Concerta and Effexor daily.  He has very few friends.  He goes to individual and group therapy every other week, and sometimes attends social/support groups after school, much to his chagrin -- he'd rather be watching YouTube.  But we're really doing everything we can to help him succeed.

[begin vent/rant]

P is argumentative and annoying to a fault.  Honestly, his default, at-rest condition is being a total prick.  He's got the maturity of someone three years younger than he is, often exploding with anger if something doesn't go exactly how he wants.  He will blast music from his phone just to annoy and goad people.  We've taken his priveleges away SO many times, but his behavior persists.  He never picks up after himself -- he leaves half-eaten bowls of dry cereal all over our house, and tucks food wrappers under the cushions of our couch.  His hygeine is very poor (he's been known to just poop and walk away, without flushing or wiping).  We're constantly nagging him to shower. He never takes accountability or accepts responsibility for anything that he's done wrong - it's always someone else's fault. There's always someone else to blame.

He's a mess academically.  He's got an IEP, with many accomadations, including reduced a workload and extra time for test-taking.  He's got lots of supports in place at school to help keep him organized, but he simply doesn't.  His backpack might as well be a trash bag -- crumpled up papers and assignments, etc. He doesn't care about school (he's barely passing 9th grade).  If I didn't physically drag him out of bed, he would miss the bus every single morning.  

His nasty attitude is exascerbated by the fact that his twin brother W is VERY mature for his age, has lots of friends, is taking honors classes, is responsible, and is very pleasant to be around.  Younger sister C is more responsible and pleasant than P is.

My wife and I have always tried to maintain a calm house, and tried to make all of our children feel safe and loved.  Even when P is screaming at us, and trying to bait us into arguments, we use our gentle, robotic, matter-of-fact voices with him (to be fair, my wife is much better at this than I am).  We're trying to salvage what's left of his self-worth and confidence, while simultaneously address the needs of our other two children.  While P argues, we try to encourage W and C to excel.  This is very difficult.  When P DOES have moments of clarity, he tells us how he doesn't think he's smart, how he hates his life. Every now and then, he talks about wishing he were dead.

I cannot fathom how he will be able to function on his own without the scaffolding that's currently in place all around him.  He's completely oblivious to the sacrifices that my wife and I make to just keep him above water.  I feel like we're dragging him, kicking ang screaming, through high school.  We don't expect him to pursue higher education; we feel like a high school diploma would be a huge victory.  But how on earth is this person going to be able to keep a job?  How is he going to be able to move out of our house and live by himself?

Sorry for the rant.  

I just feel like we're doing all of the right things, but with nothing to show for it.  We've read countless books.  We've spent years figuring out appropriate medications.  We do behavioral therapy.  We try to give him choices.  We try to empower him to make good choices.  He just doesn't.  He doesn't care.  We don't know what else to do.