Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) Support Group

Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) an ongoing pattern of disobedient, hostile, and defiant behavior toward authority figures that goes beyond the bounds of normal childhood behavior. When a child cannot seem to control his anger or frustration, even over what seems to be trivial or simple to others, the child will often react in violent or negative ways to his own...

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Children's Mental Health
/ Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) Support Group

Dealing with the aftermath, raised a sociopath?

ForeverAHeartFullOfLove
ForeverAHeartFullOfLove

Hi everyone, I'm new here. Not sure if anyone will understand, but here goes. My son is 18. He was born a handsome, intelligent, healthy baby with something very wrong. He was born violent, angry, manipulative, no remorse, no empathy. I'm talking extreme. We had to hide all the knives in the house when he was 3 years old because we were afraid to sleep. Expelled from multiple schools. Lying. Manipulating. Physical abuse. Drinking. Drugs. Break and enter. Incest with half sister. Death threats. Bomb threat. School shooting threat,etc... He has been to every kind of help available during his life from the age of 3, too much to go into here. The only diagnosis he ever got was ADHD early on. He was too smart for the doctors, psychiatrists, psychologists, behavioral therapists and knew how to act and what to say. I have taken lots of parenting classes and read lots about how to parent. What I'm trying to let you know is that we tried EVERYTHING. This is not a case where the parent didn't care and didn't try enough.


We had the heartbreaking moment when he became too great a risk to live with. He had grown strong and tall and could easily over power me. We were all afraid for our safety. He now lives in an appartment on his own with financial help from us, family and his employment. We ended up having to move a few hours away just recently for a job, and I have to say, it has turned out to have been a blessing as sad as I was to be so far from him and his older brother. I'm no longer living in fear. I'm not being physically abused anymore. I feel very guilty being so far away, even though I regulary share text messages and phone calls with him. He still hurts me emotionally on the phone and texts. I still love him as much as the day he was born, through everything love remains, though I have lived with fear and intense sadness for all these years. Dealing with the aftermath of years of raising him now and feeling the full pain of it. Remembering. I had been living in suvival mode. I didn't know just how badly traumatized I was. I have no idea how to heal from this.


The unfortunate thing to tell you is that it didn't get better. It got worse. Years of hearing maybe he'll get better, grow out of it, just needs therapy, couselling, a good role model etc. Maybe things will be different for you I don't know. Twenty years ago I believed that psychopaths, sociopaths, serial killers etc. I thought that they were born normal and that their parents must have done something to cause them to turn out like that, I admit I did think that. It's just not true, not always maybe. Now I am having to heal myself and at the same time worry that the child I loved and raised will go out and hurt people. I really hope that won't happen, but it keeps me up at night. I know he is a danger to society.

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abcdefghijklmop1
Hugs! I don't know what to say to you just that to be in peace with yourself that you have done anything wrong. You did not cause his illness. Take care and focus on yourself .It sounds that you can really benefit from counseling to process your trauma.
goingthroughit
goingthroughit
I wish there had been a forum back when we were raising our daughter. She's 40 now and your observation that things got worse over time with your son is also what happened with her. We tried every possible avenue for parenting and counselling for the whole family but it made no difference. She lived in a children's mental health residence for two yrs and this was good as it gave us a break from the constant drama and psycho bs but she was waaay worse when she came home at 16. She is not physically abusive but emotionally and delighted in running away for six months at a time and ghosting us. She contacted us when she wanted something but that was it. I drove around dropping off bags of condoms and money for her at rural addresses of people with mattresses and dirty diapers laying around in their yard. She conned people telling them how awful we are and couch surfed months at a time She became addicted to having babies (lots of gov $ and 3 different father's) and still uses her kids as weapons to hurt us. She totally dumped us for 5 yrs and the first time she came to visit with her family after reconciliation she screamed abuse in my face and I was overwhelmed with the hurt and embarrassment of it. We also moved several hrs away from her and oh boy that has been a relief!! I don't now have to hear the constant "grandma somebody-else is so much better than you". Can't be much of a grandma when she trash talks us and refuses us the chance to see them. I have had to let this go as much as I can because I cried pretty much every day for years. It will never get better and tho I also love her dearly I wish I never had kids. I have nothing but pain to show for it.
Through all if it we learned that all we can do is take care of ourselves. This has been a horrible experience and I understand your pain. It is not your fault! Our D was also diagnosed with ADHD early on as well as ODD from toddler hood. At 18 months she spit in my face like something from the movie The Exorcist!
You've done and sound like you are doing the best you can and now you must let go of the notions of what your son should be like rather than accepting the way he is. And that will just take time for it to sink in. Best wishes to you.
Singlemami
Singlemami
I am so sorry that you had to go through that. Although not on that same level I certainly understand going through every option In the book when it comes to intensive in home therapy, at school, out based, in office, from a young age with my son, you name it. I completely and totally understand where you're coming from that no matter what your child does you'll still love them, because I thought about this the other day. What if my child did something horrible as an adult, committed some sort of crime, would I still love them "yes". It would hurt, because he didn't take my advice, and I tried to warn him to prevent him from doing wrong, but I think at the end of the day all we can do is raise them in the way they should go, and when they become adults let them be on their way. Their actions are there's not ours, we have done everything that we could as parents to raise them right. It is tough in a situation where the love you have for your child is not being reciprocated, and on this level somewhat unhealthy (but not by your doing), just meaning it's a hurtful situation, but what can you do about it. I hope that you find peace in this and wish the best for you in it, for your sanity and sense of security as a woman and a mom, much love and support, big hugs mommy.