Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Support Group
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a psychiatric disorder, more specifically, an anxiety disorder. OCD is manifested in a variety of forms, but is most commonly characterized by a subject's obsessive (repetitive, distressing, intrusive) thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or rituals) which attempt to neutralize the obsessions.
Every since I can remember I have had a fear of germs. Not just a fear like a complete phobia of germs. Being sick is my worst nightmare. As a young child (about 5-9 years old) i would scrub my hands with a nail brush because i thought there was germs on my hands and i wouldn't touch anything and would only open doors if i could use my sleeve.
I went through a phase of about a year of being OK- I wouldn't need to wash my hands so much, I was OK I guess.
Now Im bad again. Im 15 now. I wont touch door handles at school or anything on my bus and I cannot eat anything without washing my hands Even if there clean. Its controlling my life. I wont eat any meat or eggs at restaurants in case i get food poisoning, i wont go out because im scared someone will make me sick. if people come near me or walk past i hold my breath then breathe out like all the germs cant get in my nose or mouth. I even had to reject a date with my crush because i was worried that he might try and kiss me and make me sick. Its driving me insane, i want to be able to not care. School would be bearable if there went any germs, but there are and that why i hate it so much.
I have nightmares about getting ill, I get so angry with myself for being so scared, at one point (i used to live on a farm) i got so damn petrified that the farm would make me ill I self harmed constantly for about a year and a half because i was scared to go out. If someones ill I cant be in the same room as them, I hate it.
EXAMPLE: The other day, I was going to have some grapes and crackers. I put some grapes on one side of the plate. then my dad put the butter tub on the other side of my plate so I could use it. I started thinking about all the germs on the bottom of the tub and made me panic so i had to put all my food on the 'clean' side of my plate. A grape rolled on the dirty side and then rolled back and touched another grape, so I couldn't eat those two grapes and could only use two patches of the plate that were clean.I hate it, even stupid things like that worry me. I'm just so damn scared of germs, I can honestly say I'm not scared of many things, but germs are the worst.
When I was really ill once I had to go to hospital. I refused point blank because of all the germs in the hospital and I got really bad and ended up in A&E becuase I couldn't breathe properly. If I was strong enough i still would have refused to go. I can't eat certain foods because I'm scared I'll be allergic and be sick and I had to cancel going to a concert with my friend we had been planning for ages becuase of the germs from the other people there. She was really dissapointed because it was one of the few times I agreed to see her outside of school becuase I'm so scared to go out.
WHAT DO I DO?!?! How can I stopped being scared? I know you'll think I'm weird, I know it is, but i can't help it, I tried so hard :(
I went through a phase of about a year of being OK- I wouldn't need to wash my hands so much, I was OK I guess.
Now Im bad again. Im 15 now. I wont touch door handles at school or anything on my bus and I cannot eat anything without washing my hands Even if there clean. Its controlling my life. I wont eat any meat or eggs at restaurants in case i get food poisoning, i wont go out because im scared someone will make me sick. if people come near me or walk past i hold my breath then breathe out like all the germs cant get in my nose or mouth. I even had to reject a date with my crush because i was worried that he might try and kiss me and make me sick. Its driving me insane, i want to be able to not care. School would be bearable if there went any germs, but there are and that why i hate it so much.
I have nightmares about getting ill, I get so angry with myself for being so scared, at one point (i used to live on a farm) i got so damn petrified that the farm would make me ill I self harmed constantly for about a year and a half because i was scared to go out. If someones ill I cant be in the same room as them, I hate it.
EXAMPLE: The other day, I was going to have some grapes and crackers. I put some grapes on one side of the plate. then my dad put the butter tub on the other side of my plate so I could use it. I started thinking about all the germs on the bottom of the tub and made me panic so i had to put all my food on the 'clean' side of my plate. A grape rolled on the dirty side and then rolled back and touched another grape, so I couldn't eat those two grapes and could only use two patches of the plate that were clean.I hate it, even stupid things like that worry me. I'm just so damn scared of germs, I can honestly say I'm not scared of many things, but germs are the worst.
When I was really ill once I had to go to hospital. I refused point blank because of all the germs in the hospital and I got really bad and ended up in A&E becuase I couldn't breathe properly. If I was strong enough i still would have refused to go. I can't eat certain foods because I'm scared I'll be allergic and be sick and I had to cancel going to a concert with my friend we had been planning for ages becuase of the germs from the other people there. She was really dissapointed because it was one of the few times I agreed to see her outside of school becuase I'm so scared to go out.
WHAT DO I DO?!?! How can I stopped being scared? I know you'll think I'm weird, I know it is, but i can't help it, I tried so hard :(
I would also recommend trying to get in to see a counselor.
And no, no one here will think you are weird. In fact, I think you're normal compared to me. I'm a germaphobe, as well.
so just do your thing if you want to wash your hands wash them go ahead, and if you still feel encumbered by your actions i don't know what to tell you. just don't be afraid to be yourself.
I've never gone to the hospital either and I tell everyone not to ever take me there. I worry about getting so sick that I will be taken there unconscious and get all the germs from the hospital all over me.
Recently, my Mom was sick and I had to go visit her. I couldn't touch anything and had to throw away my shoes each time I visited before I got back in the house. Then I had to wash my clothes over and over to get them clean enough.
I wish I had gone to therapy when I was your age. OCD is a medical condition that can be treated. The seratonin level in your brain is off balance and you can get medication to treat it and therapy to help break the cycle and help you get over your fear of germs.
I have never taken medicine, but I've read self-help books and have made progress that way, so at your age, therapy and medicine may be able to turn things around for you and give you a completely new life.
You are too young to let yourself be a victim to OCD without help. Please, talk to your parents and get the help you need now, so you can enjoy your teenage years and the rest of your life and not live with regrets like I do.
You are not weird, no one here thinks you are, and we are all pulling for you to find your way out of this illness and into the world.
You are not alone. We are here for you electronically, but go to your parents and get the help and support you need. Be strong, you can do this.
Evie
I am 37 years old, but clearly remember my teens. One thing that I did (and still do) is compartmentalize my OCD. What I mean is if I go on vacation I have "vacation" make up and hair products that I keep for this purpose. Because I feel like the hotel room is not clean to my standards I accept that I am on vacation (and enjoy it) and when I get home I put those product away and resume using my "clean" stuff. So, if you are going to a concert give yourself a free zone to enjoy that concert, but when you get home take all your concert clothes and wash them (even have a shower when you get home to feel better). By keeping your concert clothes away from your normal clothes there is no cross contamination. I know people would read this and say that my suggestions are not solutions, but just ways to enable your OCD, but I find learning ways of coping with my OCD is my best chance at some balance. Another thing you can do is to tell your close friend about your OCD. I kept my OCD hidden for many years and I really regret that because I have found that for the most part the people I have told have been amazing and there to support me. Your friend wants to spend time with you and I'm sure would be more than willing to be your support at that concert (she would be there for you to help you with your anxiety and you would probably have the time of your life).
I know that teenagers hate to hear this (I know I did), but being a teenager is a tough period in ones life and even harder when you have OCD (my OCD got much easier to cope with as I got older). I truly know how real your fear is, but really try to find ways to do the things you want in baby steps (like taking one bite of something that bothers you in a restaurant to see what happens - how you feel). I find that people with OCD are very creative so get creative in finding ways to cope (for example, when I was in high school I had a long washing ritual after using the public bathroom so I told my girlfriends that I had a shy bladder and couldn't pee if they were in the bathroom with me so they used to let me go in alone (a little white lie, but it made my life much easier).
I want you to know that you can have a wonderful life and have OCD. I had a great time at college, met my wonderful husband, built a career, bought a house, have travelled, I have a spoiled rotten dog and great friends. I have OCD and some days are tough, but most are pretty good.
Support is key and this website is fabulous. Talk to your parents and look into treatment (another thing I wished I'd started earlier). One thing that I am looking into (I go this week for my first session) is hypnosis. Medication is not normally recommended for people your age due to more intense side effects, but there are some non medication therapies available.
To answer your question at the end of your post "How do I stop being scared?" I don't think you ever stop being scared, but you do find that you get more from facing it and going for it by eating out, going to concerts, travelling, going to the spa, kissing a boy etc. that you become willing to take that risk.
I wish you well. Sarah