I don't expect anybody to read this post because of it's length. But it at least feels good to vent it all. So, with a deep breath- I'm diving in!

My form of OCD (OCPD) does not involve washing or counting (at least not significantly). I seem to focus on things morality, ethic's, rules, processes, policy, etc. that do not work well or are broken. I'm extremely impatient and anxious when exposed to these issues. I hate to waste time and effort uneccessarily. Once or twice is okay. But if I have to deal with these things for any length of time, they get stuck in my head until I find a solution. I'm a speed demon on the road and get highly agitated by the "inconsiderate" and "stupid" things that people on the road do. Besides the "oblivious" people who ride in the left lane refusing to pass, who don't use their blinkers, pull out in front of faster vehicles and won't accelerate, etc., I get REALLY uncomfortable when people ride alongside me or on my tail to the point of it being almost to the level of paranoia. I perceive it as threatening. I speed up, they speed up; I slow down, they slow down. Drives me nuts and I end up doing something stupid like putting me foot to the floor until they are no longer in my rearview. I used to own a sport bike for this reason. I wanted to just keep everyone far behind me and out of my way. [I'm convinced that some people are like magnets. They just purposely stick to you on the road and don't even seem to be aware of it. I know these things irritate a lot of people. But I'm talking about something beyond irritation. I get upset.

During and after Desert Storm, my personality changed. Prior to the war, I partied heavily, enjoyed the nightlife, crowds and all that comes with it. I had some highly stressful jobs at that time, but loved it and don't think my job itself contributed to exposing what I now know I've likely had all my life. War is traumatic in itself and we spent a good deal of time patrolling an active mine field off the coast of Kuwait and myself and others elected to sleep near our workstations rather than in our "rack" below the waterline (for good reason it turned out because the ship the relieved us ran into at least 2 if not 3 of those mines causing us to remain on station until another relief was provided). In addition to the mines, the Gulf was full of oil that looked to be inches thick on the surface of the water and we'd occasionally have to recover bodies that had been in the water long enough to turn them white as a sheet of paper, bloat, etc. I was more traumatized by the people who wanted to take pictures of them than the bodies themselves. It just seemed so... wrong to me. So I don't think any of this really contributed a lot to what developed over time into full blown OCD (almost certainly OCPD but doctors don't like to use that for some reason and just call it OCD).

What caused me the MOST trauma in the war was issue with my pay! I was stationed in Japan and had a Japanese wife at that time from a previous tour there. So while I had to undergo screening to ensure I would be a good "ambassador," I was informed my wife (who had never left Japan in her life) would not need the screening. Makes perfect sense, right? WRONG. On our way to Desert Storm, I was informed that because she didn't get it, I would only receive my base pay (E-5) which was about $1200 p/mo. Our rental home alone was $3600 p/mo. Being unable to communicate with her (no cellphones then and mail took weeks) caused me a great deal of anxiety and stress and I believe that this and being overlooked for my contributions to the war when the awards were handed out, triggered all that has followed in my life with OCPD, Anxiety and Depression. I was overlooked because I have a tendency to step on toes when I see problems or issues that aren't "right" or don't work well. I can't let them go.

In this case, the problem was training or lack thereof that I had discovered when I arrived onboard the ship. 75% of my division of 45 personnel were not properly documented as being qualified on their duty stations (I was made the training petty officer due to my experience working with 7th Fleet in Japan where the ship had just been reassigned from Mayport, Florida). My division was the eyes and ears of the ship that fought the war from the Combat Information Center (CIC). When I brought this to the commands attention (before the war) they ignored it. My OCPD would not allow that so I challenged them all the way up the chain to our Operations Officer who I convinced to allow me to correct the problem (which I accomplished before we arrived on station for the war). So it upset me that I had accomplished so much yet it went unrecognized.

As an E-5, during the Air Campaign of Desert Shield, I was assigned duty as the Force Anti-Air Warfare Coordinator (FAAWC) over a Battle Force of 4 Aircraft Carriers and thier AAW escorts, Aircraft, and shore stations. I don't believe this has ever happened in the Navy before or since. During Desert Storm, I was the Force Track Coordinator (FTC) in charge of the RADAR picture and identification of anything that moved in the Gulf region. Outside of the ship, my service was recognized with a Flag Letter of Commendation (FLOC), but the command itself barely even mentioned it in my performance evaluation- and this wasn't even the most significant contribution that I had made! Because in February of 1991, I evaluated and reported SCUD Ballistic Missile launches out of Kuwait which at the time, nobody had any idea that our RADAR had this ability which is now known as AEGIS Ballistic Missile Defense (ABMD). Yet, I only got one sentence of recognition in my eval. All of this hurt me tremendously and to this day I can't understand how this happened to me for simply doing my job and what is right. Even if that means you have to challenge authority to do it.

When I returned to Japan after the war, I was a different person. I had lost interest in everything and felt like a dark cloud had descended on me. I was depressed and had little love for life left in me. I had moments, sometimes they would last a few years, but something always came up in life that threw me back into that "funk." Today it is a near daily existence- despite being heavily medicated.

I was honorably discharged in July 1991 and returned to my hometown to start a new life with my wife. I immediately sought help from the Veterans Administration (VA). I did see a VA doctor who referred me to a private doctor who then prescribed XANAX. Never heard another word from the VA and I did not remain on the XANAX for long. From this point until 2017, I had only been treated by my Primary Care Physician (PCP) although I did make periodic efforts (when times were at their worst) to get treatment by the VA, but they always denied me an appointment and also denied my claim for benefits because my medical record was evidently lost in Hurricane Katrina and they could not make a "service connection" without it. (Yeah. That is the VA)

I had also been looking for a psychiatrist and therapist to help me all this time. But where I live there are not a lot of doctors that specialize in OCD. Those I found were either not accepting patients or they would flat out tell me after our 1st interview that they could not help me. But I eventually found a private therapist, so for the 1st time I informed my employer of my disability because I anticipated weekly therapy sessions for which I wanted an accommodation to telework so I would not have to use all of my vacation and sick time. BIG MISTAKE that I now wish I had never taken as my life has been a living hell ever since!

I began working as a Navy defense contractor in 2001. In 2015, I became a Navy civilian employee- so my accommodation request for my Navy service connected disability from the Navy was denied- repeatedly- without reason. Just "No. We're not going to give you any additional telework time than is allowed by the telework policy- totally disregarding the Reasonable Accommodatoin Policy- that allows for more. I have been fighting this for over a full year now and they've now moved me into the "Reassignment Process" whereby the EEO is SUPPOSED to be looking for other jobs within the command that I am qualified to do, work out the accommodation issue where possible, and transfer me. But they only "look" for 30 days. If they find nothing, they expand the search for 60 days Navy wide (within a region I specify). If nothing is found in this stage, then I am terminated from employment- even though I am perfectly capable of doing my job- I just want access to the care I need without the hassle, without using all my earned time off. In other words, a "REASONABLE" request.

Since making the accommodation request, the VA contacted me (out of the blue) in October 2017 to schedule an appointment with them. I have been under their care since and, although I am satisfied with it, the doctors work load is so high, they cannot see me as frequently as I need, so I am now seeking private therapy in addition to my therapy at the VA (which is about once per month). But the trouble is that I do not have an accommodation from work to attend these appointments. Additionally, since the VA immediate began managing my medications, I took weeks for me to adjust to FLUVOXIMINE, XANAX or (now) HYDROXYMINE PAMOATE and TRAZADONE (for sleep) for which I had to use all of my vacation and sick time to cover and now when I need to go or take care of symptoms, it is on LEAVE WITHOUT PAY and FMLA. Once again, I find myself in one of these situation where something isn't working right. Something is morally and etchically wrong here. How can the NAVY justify it? Easy. They LIE. They FABRICATE. The CIRCLE THE WAGONS to protect themselves and destroy anyone who challenges them. Unfortunately, they simply do not understand OCPD and my inability to "DE-ESCALATE" things. I can't LET GO in these situations and will push to the point of SELF DESTRUCTION in an effort to "FIX" things that seem broken. So my job is at risk on top of it all. I've filed an EEO disability discrimination complaint and have hired an attorney to fight the battle for me because I have no energy or strength left for it.

If all this were not enough, let me tell you about my home life.

I've pretty much isolated myself from the world. I don't socialize and other than work, I'm at home. I have a ton of "Compulsive" activities. Genealogy, History, Bible Study, Physics, Guitar, Singing, etc. All distractions from the ruminations that continually play in my head. I can spend days at a time thoroughly immersed in these activities to the exclusion of everything else. I'm "with" my wife, but might as well not be there much of the time. I do the yard work and keep up with our small farm, do my own laundry and other things in the house that I need to do "my way." I tend toward being a clean freak, but my wife is the opposite. She seems to need "clutter" and I need neatness and order. I am big on "Symmetry of things" and about every 3 or 4 months, it gets to be too much and I have to say something although nothing is done to improve it unless I just do it myself- which usually causes an argument.

But the single most aggravating thing to me at home is that I rank below our pets- and we have many. In the worst example I can think of, we have "mini pigs" and one of them developed cancer. Despite my being out of work for several weeks (on and off dealing with med's, etc.) without income, my wife spent a good deal of money to get this pig surgery in another STATE. While she was gone, I had a loved one pass away in an adjacent state as this pig. But when my wife returned and I told her I planned to go to the funeral, she immediately became upset with me saying we didn't have the money! I lost it. Threw a sandwich wrapper at her and she called 911.

I tried to make a quick getaway for the funeral, but after getting almost half way there, I found my credit card had been locked, I had forgotten all of my medications, and clothes I needed. So I turned around and went home thinking I could get into the house before my wife got up for work, get my things and go. But all the doors were locked and my key wouldn't work in any of the doors. So I was forced to knock on the door and tell her I had forgotten these things and just wanted in to get them. She was on my like a fly, following me to every room and blocking my exit until I gave her the tractor key (which she can't even operate). While looking for this key and going from the garage back into the house, I thought, "if I can just get this garage door closed before she gets to it, I'll just lock it, get my things unmolested and go. But she managed to get an arm between the door and frame and, although I DID NOT close the door on her arm, in her effort to PUSH THE DOOR OPEN, it left a mark on her arm and she immediately said- "Good. That's Assault!" and called 911. This time though, I told her, "This is my house. I'm not leaving."

I waited for the police to arrive although I knew what the outcome would be. I was arrested, taken to jail (1st time for me), booked, but then released on bond almost immediately. But now I have a restraining order and could not go home. I've been in a hotel for almost two weeks now.

Good news is that my wife and I have reconciled and, although I am not home yet, I should be within the next few days but still have to go to court next week to face the charge.

This is my story of living with this disability. When my (our) stress level is low, my life is manageable and without much conflict. But when it comes to significant life events that impact my ability to work, I feel like nothing more than a paycheck to her because she shows no concern for my health- while at the same time constantly reminding me that "i'm crazy."

So my life at work is unbearable and I get to come home to unbearable... In our reconcilation talks, we addressed this and a possible way forward that will eliminate much of this I hope. But it means me giving control of decision making over to her when we disagree, rather than how I had been trying to be the "leader of the family" who ultimately had to make the decisions. Which, of course, usually meant my solutions over hers which just pissed her off and led to arguments. My hope is that in this way, I can show her that I TRUST HER and her decision making. However, I would do so with reservation because there are so many times in the past that I know if I had done this, we would have lost the farm years ago, I would still be stuck in a miserable job making half the money I now make, etc. Things would be a whole lot worse- but she will never recognize this fact. I mention it and she just evades it like it wasn't even heard... So with this new plan, I believe it will eliminate much of our fighting, I just hope nothing major comes up that we will regret later. It's not like I have made bad decisions in my life. Since leaving the Navy in 1991 and returning to the USA without a job or hope, I am now very successful as far as earning money (we're not rich but suppose we'd be considered upper middle class income for our area). So why does she continually question my decision making ability???? Because if the decision impacts us in a negative way (at all) even though in the end it all works out to our advantage, she is incapable of admitting it because she see's it as a failure because I willingly put something else before her. So the only way I know to address that is by letting her see that being the decision maker isn't easy. It requires you to make tough decisions sometimes even when it upsets your spouse to do so. Again, I always put what I think is "right" ahead of even myself. But over time, I hope she'll learn from the experience and it will evolve into a SHARED DECISION MAKING where she will accept my solutions instead of fighting them.

Okay, I've written a book here and exposed myself to the world. I'm not evil. I'm not vindictive. I'm not out to get anyone. I'm not dishonest. I don't cheat or run around. I'm not out with the boys doing who knows what. And I'm certainly NOT CRAZY. I'm God Loving, Caring, Sensitive, Faithful, Honest to a fault, Stubborn as a mule but willing to learn from mistakes. All good qualities (or used to be valued and now scorned by society), but OCD also causes me to lose sight of the important things like showing LOVE, EFFECTION, TRUST, and things my wife needs to feel valued because I'm so wrapped up in my head all the time. It's so easy for me to develop tunnel vision and focus completely on these "problems." Which leads into my final issue with this disability- LACK OF SUPPORT MECHANISMS.

My wife and I have tried to manage all of this alone because we have not been able to locate help from any of the organizations we expected to find it whether the VA, the Department of Veteran's and Family Services, VFW, American Legion, Chuch, Employee Assistance, etc. All are worthless in assisting to navigate through it all. In the USA we have a damn program for everything and we claim to make our veterans a "PRIORITY." But the best assistance I have managed to receive so far is from the SUICIDE PREVENTION LINE. How sad is that.