Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Support Group
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a psychiatric disorder, more specifically, an anxiety disorder. OCD is manifested in a variety of forms, but is most commonly characterized by a subject's obsessive (repetitive, distressing, intrusive) thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or rituals) which attempt to neutralize the obsessions.
Hey guys,
This is not directly related to OCD, but maybe you guys can offer me some words of wisdom. I was raised Catholic, played sports all through childhood, and probably had symptoms of OCD since I was about 7 or 8? It continually got worse through high school. I remained faithful at church, but I was so scared and guilty. My obsessions started to take over my life. I was counting things, tapping things, drawing the sign of the cross in the dirt before I got into the car to drive. My hand's peeled from overwashing (which kind of made it hard to play basketball). I was so obsessed with school that I would sweat and shiver before tests because I was scared of messing up. I said a prayer between every pitch thrown in baseball. Not to mention, I had problems with my feet (discolored toenails) so I was scared to shower with the team, missed a lot of pool parties (or once got thrown in the pool with my clothes on). I always told myself that this would pay off.
Needless to say, I graduated valedictorian (not worth it after all of the worries), 2nd team all-state shortstop in baseball (was so burnt out and tired of worrying about messing up that by the end of high school that I never wanted to play again). I decided to go to architecture school, and by my sophomore year, the thoughts became so intrusive that I convinced myself that I was cheating on my g/f by so much as giving a girl a friendly smile, getting girl's pregnant (without sexual activity somehow), and causing car accidents every time I drove (thus causing a one hour ride to take 2 hours from compulsively checking for wrecks). I even got pulled over and tested for driving too slow (another thing I was constantly teased for). I would obsess for weeks and sleep constantly from depression. I embarrassingly once had a "wet dream" on a friday afternoon and was supposed to drive home to visit family, but instead stayed in bed for 16-17 hours trying to sleep until the "sperm died" so that no one became pregnant if I touched doorknobs or anything upon leaving the room. Then my parents would be upset that I did not come home because they thought I was fooling around at school. Or they would yell at me for staying in the shower too long, (but I really was taking ten consecutive 3 minute showers). It got so bad that I admitted the OCD and went to the hospital and was diagnosed. I started therapy and medicine, and it seemed to get better.
As of today, I graduated college in May with my Bachelor's of Science in Architecture. Over time, I feel I've extremely heightened my love of Physics, Science and Art. And this love of Science has rationalized much of my thinking, combining with therapy and medicine to reduce my symptoms. However, I feel like I have lost my faith in church (always questioning everything) and have not gone in a long time. I still want to be a good person, but I feel regret and anger. If I could have learned to live with the OCD sooner, I could have enjoyed high school, (which I don't hold with many great memories). I also feel angry towards my mother who graduated with a Psychology degree but never picked up OCD for 15 years, until I confessed it. Now I am just angry at the world. I do not in any way want to feel a sense of entitlement, but everyone angers me. My older brother goofed off all through high school (homecoming king, naturally gifted all-star athlete) and dropped out of three or four different colleges. Everyone loves him in my hometown, and he is always telling me that life sucks and he knows its hard. EVERYONE ACTS LIKE THEY KNOW. Yet he has a family, a house, a new car, a kid, and is having twins. Everyone regards him as "the creative mind" in our family and small town, despite my 4 years of design school. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for him, but I just want to get married myself. I feel guilt for my jealousy, but my degree was quite grueling (I bought a cot and slept next to my desk in studio many nights). Now I have not been able to find a job for the past four months so have had to drive an hour each way to my father's house to work construction. I feel bad because I am bitter every day of work, and I do not want to be, but working construction with my dad is not my love. I totally respect the profession, but I have not been able to pursue MY dreams yet. I feel sad because my grandfather died this week. Also, I realized my $47,000 debt as bills are coming for me from college, and my car decided to break down last week. Today, my dad ran over his cat with the truck. Everyone convinced me that things will get better, but things just continually go wrong. I'm hoping it will turn around.
My OCD makes me scared to write depressing things on here because I do not want to negatively influence anyone on this site. There is hope for everyone. I just needed to rant and hopefully get some positive feedback to inspire me. We can overcome our hardships together! Boost me now, and I'll come back with a better attitude to help others next time.
This is not directly related to OCD, but maybe you guys can offer me some words of wisdom. I was raised Catholic, played sports all through childhood, and probably had symptoms of OCD since I was about 7 or 8? It continually got worse through high school. I remained faithful at church, but I was so scared and guilty. My obsessions started to take over my life. I was counting things, tapping things, drawing the sign of the cross in the dirt before I got into the car to drive. My hand's peeled from overwashing (which kind of made it hard to play basketball). I was so obsessed with school that I would sweat and shiver before tests because I was scared of messing up. I said a prayer between every pitch thrown in baseball. Not to mention, I had problems with my feet (discolored toenails) so I was scared to shower with the team, missed a lot of pool parties (or once got thrown in the pool with my clothes on). I always told myself that this would pay off.
Needless to say, I graduated valedictorian (not worth it after all of the worries), 2nd team all-state shortstop in baseball (was so burnt out and tired of worrying about messing up that by the end of high school that I never wanted to play again). I decided to go to architecture school, and by my sophomore year, the thoughts became so intrusive that I convinced myself that I was cheating on my g/f by so much as giving a girl a friendly smile, getting girl's pregnant (without sexual activity somehow), and causing car accidents every time I drove (thus causing a one hour ride to take 2 hours from compulsively checking for wrecks). I even got pulled over and tested for driving too slow (another thing I was constantly teased for). I would obsess for weeks and sleep constantly from depression. I embarrassingly once had a "wet dream" on a friday afternoon and was supposed to drive home to visit family, but instead stayed in bed for 16-17 hours trying to sleep until the "sperm died" so that no one became pregnant if I touched doorknobs or anything upon leaving the room. Then my parents would be upset that I did not come home because they thought I was fooling around at school. Or they would yell at me for staying in the shower too long, (but I really was taking ten consecutive 3 minute showers). It got so bad that I admitted the OCD and went to the hospital and was diagnosed. I started therapy and medicine, and it seemed to get better.
As of today, I graduated college in May with my Bachelor's of Science in Architecture. Over time, I feel I've extremely heightened my love of Physics, Science and Art. And this love of Science has rationalized much of my thinking, combining with therapy and medicine to reduce my symptoms. However, I feel like I have lost my faith in church (always questioning everything) and have not gone in a long time. I still want to be a good person, but I feel regret and anger. If I could have learned to live with the OCD sooner, I could have enjoyed high school, (which I don't hold with many great memories). I also feel angry towards my mother who graduated with a Psychology degree but never picked up OCD for 15 years, until I confessed it. Now I am just angry at the world. I do not in any way want to feel a sense of entitlement, but everyone angers me. My older brother goofed off all through high school (homecoming king, naturally gifted all-star athlete) and dropped out of three or four different colleges. Everyone loves him in my hometown, and he is always telling me that life sucks and he knows its hard. EVERYONE ACTS LIKE THEY KNOW. Yet he has a family, a house, a new car, a kid, and is having twins. Everyone regards him as "the creative mind" in our family and small town, despite my 4 years of design school. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for him, but I just want to get married myself. I feel guilt for my jealousy, but my degree was quite grueling (I bought a cot and slept next to my desk in studio many nights). Now I have not been able to find a job for the past four months so have had to drive an hour each way to my father's house to work construction. I feel bad because I am bitter every day of work, and I do not want to be, but working construction with my dad is not my love. I totally respect the profession, but I have not been able to pursue MY dreams yet. I feel sad because my grandfather died this week. Also, I realized my $47,000 debt as bills are coming for me from college, and my car decided to break down last week. Today, my dad ran over his cat with the truck. Everyone convinced me that things will get better, but things just continually go wrong. I'm hoping it will turn around.
My OCD makes me scared to write depressing things on here because I do not want to negatively influence anyone on this site. There is hope for everyone. I just needed to rant and hopefully get some positive feedback to inspire me. We can overcome our hardships together! Boost me now, and I'll come back with a better attitude to help others next time.
mybeach
OCD robs us of a lot. I too think of many things that could have been better/different had I known that my "quirks" were not "normal" and sought treatment, etc. But you have choices now... dwell on the loss and unfairness, or put energy into the things that do make you happy. You have accomplished a lot and should be proud of yourself. Life has not been easy for you and the future likely won't be ether. But you can still try to make it what you want. Just keep your chin up and know that you can achieve it! You never know what is right around the corner.. chose to believe it is something wonderfu!
nschoepp
Thanks so much for the help. I almost deleted this post because I didn't want to come off as conceded when talking about school or sports accomplishments. I meant to show that they are nothing compared to inner peace, goodwill, and friendship (which I missed out on). I really appreciate the words of wisdom. I'll try not to resent my past or family, but appreciate what they have taught me.
mybeach
I am glad you didn't delete it. You are not conceited for mentioning your accomplishments and I do understand the sacrafice. Try your best not to regret but remember that you can take all that hard work and dedication and try to channel it into the difficulties that you face now. It proves that you get achieve anything you set your mind to. You just need to find the right way to apply it now. Don't give up!!
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