Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Support Group
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a psychiatric disorder, more specifically, an anxiety disorder. OCD is manifested in a variety of forms, but is most commonly characterized by a subject's obsessive (repetitive, distressing, intrusive) thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or rituals) which attempt to neutralize the obsessions.
Hello everyone, I'm a 21 year old male. So this is my story. I have always liked females and females have always turned me on. I have never had any feelings for men whatsoever. Recently I just started a new job two weeks and they paired me up with a male coworker who was showing me how to get the job done and so on and everything was normal. That night when I fell asleep I had a dream where he was flirting with me and I woke up scared cause I know I'm straight. I went into work trying my best to avoid him cause I felt really uncomfortable working with him and I know it sounds really weird but that day after work I went home and decided to watch that new documentary on Aaron Hernandez and so i was watching it and i saw the part where they mentioned that he was actually gay but wouldn't come out cause he hated being gay and just had a girlfriend to cover up. After I heard that I asked myself "what if I'm gay too cause I had that dream and it really terrified me cause deep down I know I'm straight but it got me because of the "gay dream" I had. After that I haven't been able to get that question out of my head and I keep asking myself if I'm gay because of the dream but deep down I know I'm straight and never had any type of feelings or arousel by any men. I have a girlfriend who I've been dating for 5 months and before that dream we were really good, my feelings for her were really strong and I enjoyed every part of sex with her and after that dream I keep obsessing about that question "am I gay" and it just won't let me get turned on by her cause I keep thinking about it. It's really affecting my life cause that question keeps popping up in my head but deep down I know I'm straight and I love females and don't get turned on my guys at all. I have always wanted to settle down with a female and have kids and live a happy life but with this I feel like my feelings are going away and I feel really stressed and depressed because I know I'm not gay. I have nothing against gay people I just know I'm not gay but the question keeps popping up. At work I feel like people think I'm soft now and I hate going now. I appreciate any type of help please. Thank you!
I also suffer from OCD and am unfortunately very familiar with subtypes of OCD similar to what you are describing -- these types often involve mental compulsions (but can also include the compulsive avoidance of anxiety-provoking triggers and other behaviors performed to reduce anxiety). Believe it or not, concerns over whether one is straight or gay are a relatively common type of OCD, as you may already be aware.
Avoidance and reassurance-seeking compulsions actually fuel your anxiety-provoking obsessive thoughts by training your brain to think that your concerns about being gay are actually important; they only provide short-term relief but backfire in the long term. The disturbing thoughts become more likely to pop into your head in a process of paradoxical reinforcement. Your brain thinks that there is a true threat of danger due to your heightened emotional response to these thoughts. Also, the preoccupation with whether you are gay can change your physiological sexual arousal, further tricking you into questioning whether you might be gay.
The solution -- though not easy and probably more challenging in the short term than performing compulsions, which provide temporary relief -- is not to reassure yourself that you are straight. Peaceful acceptance of the disturbing thoughts is key because the goal is to lower your level of anxiety so that you can stop training your brain to get trapped in the OCD loop. Acceptance of the thoughts and an increased tolerance of uncertainty are musts. This is counterintuitive, I know, and involves great strength of mind. It can take time to achieve but is certainly possible. In your situation, you would need to become okay with thinking to yourself that there is a possibility -- no matter how slight -- that you may be gay since nothing in the world is 100% certain. You would, in short, need to not care and to go about with your life accepting whatever related worries may pop into your mind. Imaginal exposures (as part of exposure and response prevention - ERP - a method of cognitive-behavioral therapy - CBT) could be very helpful. I would recommend seeing a therapist who is aware of primarily obsessive OCD (and many therapists aren't and could make your symptoms worse).
There is a book called Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts by Sally M. Winston and Martin N. Seif that elaborates more on what I've described above. I would highly, highly recommend reading this book (it's available in audiobook format, as well). It could really change your life and is the best book I've ever read on OCD.
Best of luck to you! I know that with some effort, you can find peace from these thoughts.