Last Saturday, I began an assessment with my therapist to see if I have OCD. So far, the odds seem high. I’ve been experiencing symptoms well before we began this, but I wasn’t sure if I could take them seriously until recently. I have posted here in the past about a very serious symptom I have that I’ve only just connected to OCD, being one thought out of many that triggers if I don’t comply with weird habits and cycles of perfectionism. I’ve done my best to objectively look over potential symptoms, and this combined with my current progress in diagnosis leaves me to believe I do have OCD. If I do have it, it has been torturing me for a very long time, even right now.

I’m afraid of holding knives, scissors, or spoons, or having my hands near my eyes because I’m afraid of mutilating myself when I do; I’m sometimes afraid to sleep because I’m plagued with nightmares that haunt me during the day; whenever I do virtually anything of my daily actions slightly out of line with some arbitrary “right” way, horrific impulses and thoughts are triggered that terrorize me and make me feel helpless to my own body. I know I can’t live like this. I don’t want to kill myself or hurt myself to make everything go away. How can I help myself until and while my therapist helps me?