Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Support Group
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a psychiatric disorder, more specifically, an anxiety disorder. OCD is manifested in a variety of forms, but is most commonly characterized by a subject's obsessive (repetitive, distressing, intrusive) thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or rituals) which attempt to neutralize the obsessions.
So a little bit about me - I suffered from OCD since very young childhood. I was always super anxious and high strung and had a variety of tactics to calm myself down including nail-biting (to the point of giving myself infections), blinking and throat clearing tics and stepping rituals. It got really out of control in my teen years and my compulsions morphed into self harm, mostly cutting and hair pulling. I managed to get my symptoms under control although I hate to say it was due to self-medicating with alcohol. I also had undiagnosed severe endometriosis from the time I was 12 until I was 28 and was constantly told by doctors that nothing was wrong with me, so I convinced myself that I was a hypochondriac with a low tolerance for pain and used alcohol to numb that too.
Well, fast forward a few years. I no longer drink and have been trying to get pregnant for a long time now. I did my first IVF cycle in December and found out it didn't work two days before my fourth wedding anniversary. I'm due to have a FET (frozen embryo transfer) next month. Anyway I'm sure you can appreciate that my stress levels have been through the effing roof and I'm finding myself tapping and blinking and stepping all the time. Some of my old obsessions are starting up again too, particularly my fear about losing control. I was walking across a bridge recently with my 3 year old niece and could not stop thinking about how easy it would be to walk over to the side of the bridge and throw her down into traffic. When sitting in meetings at work I start tapping my feet and counting and pinching my hands to stop thinking about how easy it would be to stand up and just start screaming. When I'm driving all I think about is how easy it would be to crash my car into a barrier at 70mph...you get the picture.
It's miserable. I feel like I'm in hell again and convinced that all this extra stress I'm putting on myself is going to cause my next cycle to also fail and then it's going to just continue to build and build in a vicious cycle.
I saw a therapist as a teen and it didn't help at all. He was more interested in getting me to stop cutting than treating the OCD. I was also briefly medicated but it made me feel totally numb and indifferent and that scared me, so I stopped those. I feel like without the incredible stress and burden of infertility I can go back to my quiet, minimally obtrusive compulsions that I hardly even notice. But for right now it's nice to have a place where people can understand what I'm going through.
Well, fast forward a few years. I no longer drink and have been trying to get pregnant for a long time now. I did my first IVF cycle in December and found out it didn't work two days before my fourth wedding anniversary. I'm due to have a FET (frozen embryo transfer) next month. Anyway I'm sure you can appreciate that my stress levels have been through the effing roof and I'm finding myself tapping and blinking and stepping all the time. Some of my old obsessions are starting up again too, particularly my fear about losing control. I was walking across a bridge recently with my 3 year old niece and could not stop thinking about how easy it would be to walk over to the side of the bridge and throw her down into traffic. When sitting in meetings at work I start tapping my feet and counting and pinching my hands to stop thinking about how easy it would be to stand up and just start screaming. When I'm driving all I think about is how easy it would be to crash my car into a barrier at 70mph...you get the picture.
It's miserable. I feel like I'm in hell again and convinced that all this extra stress I'm putting on myself is going to cause my next cycle to also fail and then it's going to just continue to build and build in a vicious cycle.
I saw a therapist as a teen and it didn't help at all. He was more interested in getting me to stop cutting than treating the OCD. I was also briefly medicated but it made me feel totally numb and indifferent and that scared me, so I stopped those. I feel like without the incredible stress and burden of infertility I can go back to my quiet, minimally obtrusive compulsions that I hardly even notice. But for right now it's nice to have a place where people can understand what I'm going through.
Sometimes, my counting can help calm me down...pacing actually does me some good sometimes. Or cleaning/organizing/alphabetizing...some of my habits can actually be calming for me as long as they are they're the ones that don't harm my health. My best suggestion would be to find something that calms you rather than gets the anxiety going.
Good luck to you! I hope all works out for the best. Sometimes we have to do our best to let go, and let God. I know it's easier said than done but things will work out as they are supposed to. (((Hugs)))
Sometimes, my counting can help calm me down...pacing actually does me some good sometimes. Or cleaning/organizing/alphabetizing...
I cannot help but wonder if some OCD therapists would not consider your counting (a well known OCD compulsion), pacing and other "habits" as compulsions, Compulsions can offer some OCDers temporary relief but not help at all in the long run.
How obsessively do you clean, alphabetize and organize?
U wrote:
some of my habits can actually be calming for me as long as they are they're the ones that don't harm my health. My best suggestion would be to find something that calms you rather than gets the anxiety going.
I am a big believer in just using meds and ERP to treat OCD but if OCDers with MILD cases want to try meditation, exercise, acupuncture, yoga or anything calming that is 100% not associated with OCD, it would be fine. It would concern that the things you do, sound very anxiety driven and compulsive.