Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) Support Group
Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) is a psychiatric disorder, more specifically, an anxiety disorder. OCD is manifested in a variety of forms, but is most commonly characterized by a subject's obsessive (repetitive, distressing, intrusive) thoughts and related compulsions (tasks or rituals) which attempt to neutralize the obsessions.
I think I'm having an extreme backdoor spike but today I felt like I made a bit of a breakthrough but am now suffering what I hope is a backdoor spike.
It has to do with my POCD/Past obsession. Basically the thought usually goes "Because of what happened in your past you're going to turn into a pedo" which is something my mom said off hand about some case on TV we had been watching. Before OCD my past didn't bother me. It was the past, it didn't affect my future. I was who I was, I was still Brooke, I still wanted the same things, nothing would change that. Now with my OCD I do nothing but panic about how "its affected me" and blah blah blah. Today I told myself that no matter what my OCD said to just say 'whatever' dont let it get to you. Just stay strong. I finally reached a point where I felt clear, like the OCD feelings and icky stuff was starting to fade. And then an hour later, my OCD started putting POCD thoughts in my head and I wasn't reacting to them. And then I started to react some but it was mostly me like "no no no no" and then I started to actually feel a small amount of panic. I was in a public place with my family and I started to think "I need to go home, I need to get out of here, why am I not freaking out, I need to get away from these kids, I need to get home, I need to get home" and on the way home all I could think was "I need to be locked up, I need to go to a mental hospital, I need to kill myself before I hurt someone. Someone shoot me. What is wrong with me? Do I want to harm children? No." And I would force myself to gag, its my compulsion to show it physically repulses me until I puke. I had done pretty well at not doing it but tonight....the problem is I dont know what my brain is doing, and I feel very alone in this fight like I'm fumbling in the dark trying to figure this out on my own because I can't afford to go to therapy.
And I've been panicking because all my obsessions lately have been getting to where I no longerpanic/immediately panic, and if I force myself to think about them I feel oddly calm. Its so unsettling because I have hardly been practicing CBT. It could be because I've been working out and keeping a slightly healthy diet except the past two weeks. But I just dont know what my brain is doing, if this is correct or what I should do.
It has to do with my POCD/Past obsession. Basically the thought usually goes "Because of what happened in your past you're going to turn into a pedo" which is something my mom said off hand about some case on TV we had been watching. Before OCD my past didn't bother me. It was the past, it didn't affect my future. I was who I was, I was still Brooke, I still wanted the same things, nothing would change that. Now with my OCD I do nothing but panic about how "its affected me" and blah blah blah. Today I told myself that no matter what my OCD said to just say 'whatever' dont let it get to you. Just stay strong. I finally reached a point where I felt clear, like the OCD feelings and icky stuff was starting to fade. And then an hour later, my OCD started putting POCD thoughts in my head and I wasn't reacting to them. And then I started to react some but it was mostly me like "no no no no" and then I started to actually feel a small amount of panic. I was in a public place with my family and I started to think "I need to go home, I need to get out of here, why am I not freaking out, I need to get away from these kids, I need to get home, I need to get home" and on the way home all I could think was "I need to be locked up, I need to go to a mental hospital, I need to kill myself before I hurt someone. Someone shoot me. What is wrong with me? Do I want to harm children? No." And I would force myself to gag, its my compulsion to show it physically repulses me until I puke. I had done pretty well at not doing it but tonight....the problem is I dont know what my brain is doing, and I feel very alone in this fight like I'm fumbling in the dark trying to figure this out on my own because I can't afford to go to therapy.
And I've been panicking because all my obsessions lately have been getting to where I no longerpanic/immediately panic, and if I force myself to think about them I feel oddly calm. Its so unsettling because I have hardly been practicing CBT. It could be because I've been working out and keeping a slightly healthy diet except the past two weeks. But I just dont know what my brain is doing, if this is correct or what I should do.
I personally think you were NOT as far along in your therapy as you might have thought you were. You only admit to a "breakthrough". A breakthrough in therapy is great but it's a long way from being in a place where you know you are well on your way to either being "cured" (some claim there is no cure for OCD but not interested in that debate right now) or no longer in need of ERP or meds and on your way to continued improvement.
I also do not think you yet understand your OCD as well as you think because you wrote this:
"and then I started to actually feel a small amount of panic. I was in a public place with my family and I started to think "I need to go home, I need to get out of here, WHY AM I NOT FREAKING OUT, I need to get away from these kids, I need to get home, I need to get home" and on the way home all I could think was "I need to be locked up, I need to go to a mental hospital, I need to kill myself before I hurt someone. Someone shoot me. What is wrong with me? Do I want to harm children? No." And I would force myself to gag, its my compulsion to show it physically repulses me until I puke."
In that passage you ask yourself "why am I not freaking out?' If that was not a panic attack, an OCD attack or just FREAKING OUT, then I do not know what that was? You totally lost it to the point that you thought you needed to leave ASAP, kill yourself, be imprisoned or be put in a mental hospital. You even forced yourself to regurgitate. Those were All your words. Was that not one major league freakout?! You have made some progress but are obviously still in a bad place and have a long way to go.
You also told yourself to "stay strong" and that you would not let your OCD thoughts get to you. I think most of us can identify with that logic and it not working 99.9% of the time. I have had some of those same strong feelings of fear and panic of having to leave some place ASAP, "get out of here" and might need to be in a mental ward somewhere. I am sure many OCDers have.
So, I am sorry your OCD is so bad still and you fear (falsely of course) that you are a pedophile. I am also sad to see you cannot afford ERP therapy as that is your best option by far in beating OCD. Have you tried any meds to see if those help you? U did not mention any.
Btw, I am not sure what the "P" means in your version of "POCD"? Is it for your made up term for "past OCD" (never seen that anywhere in 23 years of reading about OCD) or for "pedophile OCD"? There is no such thing as "Past OCD" as so much of OCD comes from fearing what we did in the past and its affect on us or others now. Then there is what we will we do or what will happen to us or others in the future. In OCD, there are really just "O"'s and "C"'s and that is it. Past, present and future do not really matter. Also, just because one shrink or one OCDer used the term "back door spike" or "past OCD" does not make it so.
There are some OCD workbooks where OCDers can try ERP on their own but I know it would never have worked for me but some OCDers over the years claim they have been helpful to them.
Btw, your use of that "back door spike" phrase does not really fit the definition that Grayson came up with. He was saying, if I understood his article I just read correctly, that when one thinks they are mostly better from their OCD (U were not) they get scared about not being scared (or anxious). You were not really at that point yet. You had quite a way to go in ERP. But I believe the whole thing is a fallacy as a person greatly improved thru meds and ERP would not get anxious about not being anxious anymore. Plus, since Grayson used a TV sitcom reference to a show that ended in 1998, I wonder how old that article is and if he would still use such a stupid and misleading phrase.
Sorry I do not have more sympathetic or informative advice for you but to tell you, like others on here would, to '"stay strong" (U already told yourself that and it did not work and rarely does for OCDers with a moderate, severe or extreme case) or to try this trick or that technique, will not help you. Only REAL PROFESSSIONAL ERP and MEDS are the answer to your OCD.
Just curious, but with "Obamacare" (YUK!!!!!) kicking in in less than 2 months, ALL Americans MUST have health insurance. If you are too poor to pay, the govt will pay for your health insurance or put you on Medicaid if you qualify. Maybe then you can go back and see a GOOD therapist who SPECIALIZES in OCD as well as trying to find a med that takes the edge off your anxiety.
I really do not think you went as far as you thought you did in your therapy or you would not have as much anxiety in you as you have. You just have made some progress and mistake that for major improvement and cannot seem to understand why, when you have these periods of calm, OCD thoughts reappear. Someone who is much improved does NOT write that "I've been panicking......because I no longer panic/immediately panic." That is NOT a back door spike but an oxymoron. One cannot panic and then still panic. It just means the way your anxious mind works has changed due to SOME professional help.
I also did not think your diet or exercise routine has bupkus to do with your OCD. Mentally healthy people eat well or poorly, exercise or do not and it has ZERO affect on their mental health. Why you would force yourself to think about your obsessions is beyond me. That is part of ERP (under professional guidance) but NOT part of living a healthy and full life. ERP has its place and time but not as we are just going thru the motions of our daily lives. That is why most of us need a true professional to guide and support us thru it.
I wish you well and hope you get the help you need. I also hope you read more about OCD and educate yourself more on it to better understand it and help yourself more. A few articles read on line written by some well meaning but mindless twits is NOT educating oneself on OCD.
Sorry if my reply was a little harsh sounding. As I wrote somewhere already, I can be like a bull in a China shop sometimes.
My perfectionistic and rigid thinking can come out at times as well.
When I was younger (in my 20's), I had some form of panic attacks where I felt I just had to get out of someplace but most of the time I was not able to leave. So, I know that "freaking out" feeling.
Hope you are able to resume your ERP some time soon.