Obesity Support Group
This community is dedicated to those of us struggling with obesity. Obesity is thought to be a significant risk factor in certain health conditions, leading to increased mortality. Find the support you need by sharing your story, asking questions, and learning from others on how they have coped.
Hi All-
I am pretty sure this is a topic that has not been posted here before and I could REALLY use the support of those who "get it"...my friends don't get it and I am happy they don't.
Backstory: I am finally on the other side of obesity (finally at 41 years old). I have been chubby since I was 11 and went to fat camp (loved it) at 16. Best fat camp stories. I dated when I was 18 to 23 years old. When I was 24 I was 203 lbs (I remember seeing that number on the doctor's chart - "patient is obese and pale"). I was sadly diagnosed with stage 2B Hodgkin's Disease. I gained weight during chemo because whenever I felt well enough to eat...I went for it. I have always been a binge eater. After cancer I felt ugly and insecure. I weighed around 230. I jumped into my career journey at 26 and never gave love a shot. NEVER. Random online date here or there. Weight bounced from 180+. Fast forward to my mid 30's and I end up with a thyroid problem from the radiation I had in my 20's. I started a long road of mental health issues as well. The spiral that would leave several of you speechless. I went on Cymbalta and it caused mad carb cravings. I shot up to 278 lbs - a size 26. In 2007 I started to get a grip on all aspects of my health issues (2nd medical leave from work - even checked myself into a mental hosp to get off Cymbalta because I was experiencing horrific withdrawal syndrome that felt like seizures - my mental state was fragile). Spring of 2008 I went on a low glycemic diet. I LITERALLY cut out ALL sugar, white flour, and anything that turns to sugar quickly in your blood (not bananas, potatoes, carrots...). I was able to stick to this new life style because it turns out that sugar was the evil cause of my blinding ocular migraines. It has been 3.5 years and I have lost 125lbs! Yay! I now weigh 148 - a size 10. **Here's where I need ALL of you. My village of support. I started dating a year ago - it was a gift to myself for my 40th. (I was about 25 lbs heavier last summer). I hated dating! My eye would twitch from the stress of it. So I stopped for a bit. I started dating again this past winter. Every guy I went out with wanted a second date. I couldn't understand why. Literally - have a hard time wrapping my head around it. So I hit pause again - I clearly did not see the new me. I felt ugly. I know I am funny, warm, easy to talk to and have an interesting career. But, just didn't see how they could find me attractive. Now I am trying...AGAIN. I have not had sex in...ready for this...no really...are you ready?....16 years! YES...I have not been intimate with a man since I had cancer. Now what? I am still 20 lbs overweight (and proud of that!). I have extra skin and don't want a man to see me naked. I have kissed some of these dates - but have pulled away when it gets heated. I did tell one man that I went on 5 dates with that I lost a lot of weight (told him my full story) and he did wrap his head around what that meant for me because he is heavy. We did not have chemistry and we ended it (not due to my story).
Tonight I went on a date with a very handsome 6'3" southern gentleman that I met at a speed dating event in NYC. I am actually attracted to this one. He has swagger...he knows he is a strong, fit, successful and a handsome man. We have chemistry. He was squeezing my leg under the table. Telling me how beautiful I am. Even asked me "have you always been this attractive?" - my answer was simple. "Nope". (smirk). Said that it was nice to come into my own in my 40's. So...ummm...he thinks tonight was date number 2. I called it date number 1.5. It was a funny convo. Speed dating so does not count! 5 minutes is a prescreen...not a date. You all likely know the rules...date 3..."thing happen". He walked with his arm around me...hand up and down my back - in my messed up head I am thinking "uh oh....that's a fat roll, he's gonna know!". But he never pulled away! Again...he tells me..."you look so nice right now, the way the light is hitting you....you have a nice body". WHAT? I'm sorry....WHAT? A nice...who? These jeans do look nice on me...and I have found some tops that show the curves and hide the rolls. I couldn't help myself (dumb me) - when he said "you have a nice body" - I said...you must like full-figured women (hoping he would say yes - because that would feel safe for me!) instead he said "you are not full-figured". Crap. Don't know what to do with that. I am the fat girl...I will always need to security of that fat girl. She is all I know. She helped me build this wall. It's coming down...brick by brick...with my hard work, with my hands...but now I am really starting to panic.
MY DS FRIENDS! HELP! I have no idea how to let my guard down. I have no idea how to have sex again. I have no idea if I should tell him I was fat. This is me...he would need to accept ME! THE SKIN! Oy...the skin. I am crying as I type this. I honestly have no idea how to let love in and take it to the next level. I want to...I don't want to be alone and I want to experience love. I don't drink and I so wish I did - Man, I am so uptight! UGH!
Thoughts???
I am pretty sure this is a topic that has not been posted here before and I could REALLY use the support of those who "get it"...my friends don't get it and I am happy they don't.
Backstory: I am finally on the other side of obesity (finally at 41 years old). I have been chubby since I was 11 and went to fat camp (loved it) at 16. Best fat camp stories. I dated when I was 18 to 23 years old. When I was 24 I was 203 lbs (I remember seeing that number on the doctor's chart - "patient is obese and pale"). I was sadly diagnosed with stage 2B Hodgkin's Disease. I gained weight during chemo because whenever I felt well enough to eat...I went for it. I have always been a binge eater. After cancer I felt ugly and insecure. I weighed around 230. I jumped into my career journey at 26 and never gave love a shot. NEVER. Random online date here or there. Weight bounced from 180+. Fast forward to my mid 30's and I end up with a thyroid problem from the radiation I had in my 20's. I started a long road of mental health issues as well. The spiral that would leave several of you speechless. I went on Cymbalta and it caused mad carb cravings. I shot up to 278 lbs - a size 26. In 2007 I started to get a grip on all aspects of my health issues (2nd medical leave from work - even checked myself into a mental hosp to get off Cymbalta because I was experiencing horrific withdrawal syndrome that felt like seizures - my mental state was fragile). Spring of 2008 I went on a low glycemic diet. I LITERALLY cut out ALL sugar, white flour, and anything that turns to sugar quickly in your blood (not bananas, potatoes, carrots...). I was able to stick to this new life style because it turns out that sugar was the evil cause of my blinding ocular migraines. It has been 3.5 years and I have lost 125lbs! Yay! I now weigh 148 - a size 10. **Here's where I need ALL of you. My village of support. I started dating a year ago - it was a gift to myself for my 40th. (I was about 25 lbs heavier last summer). I hated dating! My eye would twitch from the stress of it. So I stopped for a bit. I started dating again this past winter. Every guy I went out with wanted a second date. I couldn't understand why. Literally - have a hard time wrapping my head around it. So I hit pause again - I clearly did not see the new me. I felt ugly. I know I am funny, warm, easy to talk to and have an interesting career. But, just didn't see how they could find me attractive. Now I am trying...AGAIN. I have not had sex in...ready for this...no really...are you ready?....16 years! YES...I have not been intimate with a man since I had cancer. Now what? I am still 20 lbs overweight (and proud of that!). I have extra skin and don't want a man to see me naked. I have kissed some of these dates - but have pulled away when it gets heated. I did tell one man that I went on 5 dates with that I lost a lot of weight (told him my full story) and he did wrap his head around what that meant for me because he is heavy. We did not have chemistry and we ended it (not due to my story).
Tonight I went on a date with a very handsome 6'3" southern gentleman that I met at a speed dating event in NYC. I am actually attracted to this one. He has swagger...he knows he is a strong, fit, successful and a handsome man. We have chemistry. He was squeezing my leg under the table. Telling me how beautiful I am. Even asked me "have you always been this attractive?" - my answer was simple. "Nope". (smirk). Said that it was nice to come into my own in my 40's. So...ummm...he thinks tonight was date number 2. I called it date number 1.5. It was a funny convo. Speed dating so does not count! 5 minutes is a prescreen...not a date. You all likely know the rules...date 3..."thing happen". He walked with his arm around me...hand up and down my back - in my messed up head I am thinking "uh oh....that's a fat roll, he's gonna know!". But he never pulled away! Again...he tells me..."you look so nice right now, the way the light is hitting you....you have a nice body". WHAT? I'm sorry....WHAT? A nice...who? These jeans do look nice on me...and I have found some tops that show the curves and hide the rolls. I couldn't help myself (dumb me) - when he said "you have a nice body" - I said...you must like full-figured women (hoping he would say yes - because that would feel safe for me!) instead he said "you are not full-figured". Crap. Don't know what to do with that. I am the fat girl...I will always need to security of that fat girl. She is all I know. She helped me build this wall. It's coming down...brick by brick...with my hard work, with my hands...but now I am really starting to panic.
MY DS FRIENDS! HELP! I have no idea how to let my guard down. I have no idea how to have sex again. I have no idea if I should tell him I was fat. This is me...he would need to accept ME! THE SKIN! Oy...the skin. I am crying as I type this. I honestly have no idea how to let love in and take it to the next level. I want to...I don't want to be alone and I want to experience love. I don't drink and I so wish I did - Man, I am so uptight! UGH!
Thoughts???
I developed my food addiction when I was 8 years old. During the last 51 years since, I've been all over the place with both my weight and how I feel about myself as result of my weight. One ongoing experience that really stands out over the years is that, the heavier we get, the more invisible to men we become. When you've been really heavy (therefore invisible), it can be difficult to deal with the fact that, once we lose the weight, we're not only visible again, but, a number of men like what they see - and want us to know that.
I guess the letting your guard down thing depends on what your previous romantic experiences have been. Coming from someone whose heart has been battered and broken so much by men, at this point, it's almost going to take a miracle for me to allow myself to let my guard down, even after I reach my weight goal and begin to be visible again. (I've lost 22 lbs during the last 11 weeks, but, at 279, I still have a long way to go before I'm visible again.)
It might be good for you to be a little picky when it comes to sharing your fat story, because, let's face it, some men aren't worth telling much of anything to. But, if you're into this southern gent and you feel he's into you, I would share your story with him. Then, if and when you get to being intimate, it will help calm your jitters, because it will be info you've already shared with him.
As for the sex part, I beat you on that one - it's been a full 22 years since I had sex. I just got tired of having my heart broken and I made a vow that I would not sleep with another man unless I was sure he loved me. 22 years later, he hasn't shown up. But, I haven't had any one night stands either, which is NEVER what I'm looking for. But, having sex is like riding a bicycle, no matter how long it's been, you never really forget how to do it. : )
I get you on the alone part. As I work my way down the weight scale, when it comes to men, I try to encourage myself by thinking, "...well, you got the jerks out of the way...the best is yet to come...". I sure hope so. I'm a really wonderful person and I'd love to grow old with someone. We'll see.
So, your Fat Self built the wall, but, now your Thin Self is running is show - or trying to anyway. You need to give your Thin Self full permission to step into the spotlight, because your Thin Self is the one who is going to have to tear down the wall you've built. If you leave it up to your Fat Self (who is still lurking) to tear it down, you're in for a long wait.
Keep us posted on how things go, ok? That southern gent sounds pretty dreamy. : )))))))
Hugs,
Janice : )
I have been a mess all day. I feel VERY vulnerable and confused. I just don't trust men. Period. I have no idea how to do this DATING thing. This is also a rough time due to my Dad and my 1st cousin (who is more like a sister) being very ill. What the? You would think...ok....put the romance journey on hold girlie, but in some ways it's a good distraction and it puts it all in balance. We'll see how that theory pans out. I have a lovely cold sore to prove the stress. Sigh.
Anyway your awesome and don't let anybody tell you different!
We spent a long time talking and he asked me what my health issue was. I told him that I had been diabetic since age three and, yes, it was on both sides of the family. But the reason I don't walk too well is that I have a hereditary degenerative bone disease that is crumbling my spine. He asked if my daughter had been tested for it (this requires a simple blood test) She has not because she says it should make no difference if the man really loves her. Two days later, he broke the engagement and my daughter's heart. Yet another of their friends actually married her guy. They made a beautiful couple and both wanted a big family. She got pregnant and had her first baby who was very definitely bi-racial leaning heavily to the dark side but beautiful. She had never met her husband's father because he had passed away and he never saw fit to tell her that his Dad had been black. They are now divorced.
So the moral of my advice is - think twice and then twice again before getting involved with anyone you met while speed dating.
And look very hard at your own mental image of yourself. You sound to me like you are a very intelligent and most likely a beautiful woman with a history of intense internal strength to face and come through, everything that you have seen in your short life.
You hold your head up high and you tell any guy you meet, your ENTIRE history and if he is worth your love, make him prove it to you by being patient enough to see you through your insecurities.
And now I will get off my soap box. Now. Arne't you sorry you asked?
Erin
BTW: Interesting thing...I have gotten a bit vein. I make sure I look good not matter the situation - even the hospital. I went from 275, not make-up, flats, hair in a bun to 148, skinny jeans, high heels, hair straightened and a bag full of make-up on me at all times. I honestly and painfully say - you do get treated better when you are a healthy weight. You get treated even better when your make-up is done (NATURAL, but pulled together), you are dressed well and carry yourself with confidence. This matters to me when dealing with the Doctors. I even make a point to wear my red shoes...because women appreciate them and ALL men (not matter their sexual orientation) comment on my shiny red flat or heels. I need the Doctors and staff to really give my Dad the best care. To look me in the eye and see that I am a smart executive on the same level and be clear that I UNDERSTAND health issues and compassion. I need them to see the strong and kind woman they are helping. Being vein...well...it matters. Call it vein, call it taking care of yourself, call it "fat reality vs thin reality". Hate me for saying it. I was on the other side for a VERY long time and I see a big difference...some of that difference comes from my confidence and some of it comes from the true world around us. I will say...even my Dad and Step-Mom talk about "fat people" around me as if it doesn't sting. Wow.
Now is the time to concentrate on saving him through prayer. The boyfriend guy..I think I would just consider him a friend for right now. Once your Dad is better there is a time for that..just my opinion.
I'm glad that it's better to be all dressed up with better shoes and all of that. I am the girl with the hair in the bun, half the time no make up on, never wearing heels always flip flops. I wonder if I will change like that when I lose weight too. But i'm glad it helps with the doctors.
What is your Dad's name so I can include him in my prayers?