Narcissistic and Sociopathic Abuse Survivors Community Group
This is a S.O.N.S.A. Group - Survivors of Narcissistic and Sociopathic Abuse. People who have Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and/or Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD) create relationships of inevitable harm. This group is for those who are recovering from such relationships.
Hi, everyone
Thank you for this group!
Not sure what I'm doing here since I only learned there was such a thing as "narcissistic abuse" several hours ago while looking for DS forums on verbal or emotional abuse. I got curious as to what this might be and am amazed that when I looked at a Wikipedia article and a Psychology Today article and several others, how much I instantly recognized and how much seemed to click into place.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcissistic_abuse
https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201806/how-handle-narcissistic-abuse
I thought I had sort of figured out what I was going through in my own way, in my own terms but I guess this is all very new to me in terms of narcissistic abuse, I'm struggling to define what I've been through in those terms.
It seems like kind of a lonely perspective though - my wife is asking for divorce as if she really wants to be rid of me but really isn't doing what she needs to in order to be rid of me, it's more like she's making sure that I can't leave even if we don't have a relationship left and have been sleeping on separate floors of the house for months now.
She isn't willing to come up with money for my own apartment even though she's not hurting any for income, but is willing to pursue a divorce that's going to become contested and could cost her far more that the cost of just helping me get out of here. She's offered me room and board for six months after the divorce is final - that's another year here in the same house - but her forcing me to contest the divorce by giving me virtually nothing in it could drag out the divorce proceedings by another six months in addition to that.
I have been taking this unwillingness to let me go as a sign that she still loves me in spite of what she says thinking actions speak louder than words, so that may be me getting my last hopes of reconciliation crushed. I'm not even sure I'm ready for that.
Having a new way to look at what I've been through also seems awkward. I'm still not sure things were always like this and I don't know if things are so simple as to how they got that way. The divorce comes not six weeks after one of her parents passing away, I know I've spent five years feeling like we're drifting apart because of what's happened to her parents.
How do things like this factor into the profile of narcissistic abusers? Can this sort of personality be set off by traumatic events or loss? Is it normal to have lasted 20 years in a relationship like that? Is it only because I've unknowningly made myself a good victim that we made it this far, or could things have really not been like this in the beginning? I really don't think the woman I married is sadistic by nature, I honestly think it is her nature to be kind and I'm not sure I'm idealizing there, I've known her for a long time from close up.
The thing I'd like to ask most is about whether there is still hope for a relationship like this, if people in relationships like this have been able to turn them into healthy ones, or back into healthy ones, and whether there is help available that is tailored to narcissistic abusers. Can narcissist abusers turn back into healthy people if they are able to overcome things that might have set off such behaviors?
Maybe it's just because I'm so new to this, but I still want to think that with understanding might come healing, like I like to think about anything.
You want fast answers :-) And I don't really fault you for this. I believe that you believe that deep in her heart your wife is a nice lady. And I wish that I could tell you that all of your needs could be met, right here inside your post; however, not possible that the entire differences between you and your wife can just leap out of your words. What you've got going on will take much attention.
Have you considered speaking and working professionally with a marriage/relationship/family therapist? I feel like this is what is best. This way, someone skilled to help you may go deeper into your thoughts and hopefully liberate what's going on between the two of you. Now, it is possible for you to use this support community to your advantage. However, you are going to have to trust in your communicators. Support friends will help you to better understand, as many are experiencing some of what you describe in your own history, and you really need new perspectives to compare notes, which notes offer very different (yet similar) ways to deal with your most stressful matters. Follow me?
Okay, my own tip for you :-) Listen to your wife. And I can sense your thoughts :-) I know that you believe that you are listening; yet, no, you are a talker. I can tell this just by reading what you detail in the content of your thoughts here. I think that you are thinking of a return reply at the same time that your wife is communicating her feelings, and that's a very big issue with relationship problems, poor to no constructive, useful communication skills are exchanged. So do connect yourself to what your wife is telling you in a respectful way. I could say more.
I hope for you the best, and prayer really helps as well. Pray with your wife that peace will come between you.