The longer one is away the more disgusting they become. Not that they change, but distance takes off the blinders. I am happy you are out of there, as far as it is possible to be out of there when children are involved. it is so hard to have to share them with a liar and wonder how much is "rubbing off on them". Keep being your own sweet, functional self and as the years go by your influence will mean more than what he does..

I do feel deep compassion for the other women of my ex. I have watched them be hurt, one by one. I also know that they are not my responsibility. They have families of their own to provide the support and help they need and at times my own children provide them with a shoulder to cry on at leaast.. Had I warned them, they would never have beleived that this "nice guy" was capable of what he does.

jmandy and oldandwiser, thank you for your words of encouragment. Yes, the blinders are off, and I can now see him for what he truly is. I'm whole-heartedly glad that he's gone, and thinking about what he does and who he is just makes me want to go take a shower. I would love to be able to wash away all of the years of hurt and abuse. I know in time it will get better, and he will fade from my life like an old nightmare.
Hugs,
T.

HealingT, I started another reply to you, but I decided to change it. The most I can say is this, don't waste your time feeling sorry for her. She may be completely "innocent", but I can't see that is "necessarily so". It is sort of a sore spot for me, because I don't know who is more of an N in my situation, his "married girlfriend" who envied me (???) and led him down a primrose path (I found the letter where she stated she "fantasized about being his wife" and her husband was set on divorcing her-there has never been an action filed in her marriage). The people who are losing out are the truly innocent spouses and the children. I can't see taking on some guy living so far away on faith, call me suspicious or call me smart, I just know that sometimes, the "willfully blind" aren't always so. I know that for me, I am always extremely careful not to get talking much or being alone with someone else's husband, even before the divorce, because I know that a person doesn't always have to be looking for trouble for it to find you. I'm sorry that you have had this additional hurt, but I do hope you realize it's NOT about you. I had a few good cries, even though my mind knows that, because there were places I wasn't 100%, but that was actually because I am human and I was worried about my husband and the (serious) medical conditions seemed to come, boom, boom, boom, one after another. In fact, had he not been out gallivanting with this woman (his mature love, he called her) and his oh so GOOD friends, he wouldn't have suffered the last amputation (April 2009); I noticed the telltale spot from gangrene when he had stopped over and taken a bath ... but it is his life and apparently it is going to be his death; I have my hands full just trying to keep a handle on what is going on anymore. None of this is good stuff and it really makes me sad that they have pretty much done away with "fault" divorce, as anyone can claim "irreconcilable differences" and walk away with half or more, even if they were the most irresponsible and untrustworthy thing walking the face of the Earth. And people seem to think, "oh an affair, you really need to just get over it and on with your life," which would be nice, if the divorce process wasn't so drawn out and (apparently) unfair.

Maybe my experience is not the usual one, but I would say that you deserve more empathy or sympathy or both than EITHER of them do; I just hope that you get what you need to get through and thrive, in spite of the way it has worked out. Hugs and very best wishes for future ....

dadda, now that the initial shock has worn off, I agree, she does not deserve any sympathy. She very well could be an N assclown too, and they very well could whole -heartedly deserve each other. If that is the case, they will make some mighty fine drama together. I've been praying most of the night and thinking about a lot of the hurts and abuse over the past years with the N. I know I need to do this to heal, and I'm praying that God will take this burden and allow me to let it all go.

I will try to remember you in my prayers, too. I need to make a list again, seriously.

Jmandy, I don't suppose your story is "typical" maybe, but I like that ... stay clear of his (any!!) drama. I just think that it is sort of neat and interesting, too, when we find people who end up being important, but we would never have got to that without having a sort of "larger" mindset - not sure what term I mean to use. But I like your story and how you two were able to find friendship despite all.

the OW. I guess I am the OW but the N was divorced when I met him again after not seeing him around for many years, other than in his police uniform, cringe...anyway, he seduced me and I did not see him coming. He was/is such a fake. But to topic, I am flipping it around now, since I am the current victim if you will. The ex wife I tried, I really tried to be nice to, on more than one occassion. I have posted before on our prior board that she would ask, heck beg me for help with the kids arrangements and all kinds of things and stupid me did it, for years. I had my fill. Now I believe she is mind game playing wierdo herself. Most recently she has been texting me like there is no tomorrow. About issues that have zero to do with me. She says she is sorry she gets me in the middle but has no choice as they cannot communicate. I do NOT engage with her and have not for some time.
So now she has resorted to calling me names, most recently her choice was pathetic. I am pathetic? You have been divorced from this man for almost 7 1/2 years and I am pathetic and you have still not moved on? Whew, God HELP ME that it takes me this long when I get out of this living hell. So if you two are friends, good for you. I tried it once with this ex wife, isnt happening. She has literally went off the deep end. And I see NO end in sight for me or any woman after me.

I know for a fact that I will not be friends with the x or any of his new women. It won't happen. I want him out of my life as much as possible, and I have no need to complicate my life with enmeshing with his new victims. As a person who is trying to live as a christian, I would not be purposely unkind to them, but I would not befriend them. Can you imagine the supply the N would get knowing that his x and his new woman were chatting/ fighting about him? YUCK!!!

Sunnygal, I'm thinking that her experiences with the N have just made her bat-crazy! I swear, I've done things that I normally wouldn't do because I was gaslighted so much that I thought EVERYONE was gaslighting me!

jmandy no way no need to delete anything and I wasnt criticizing you in any way shape or form, I feel your pain. I just know in my case I cant make it work, I tried, I really did. I gave it much more attentiont than I should have. Being a weak spot myself, there was not enough of me to go around and make the ex "feel good" and get what she wanted, however reasonable or unreasonable done, it wasnt up to me it is up to her ex and her.
I am so sorry if you think I took it any other way because I did not. Anyone that knows me knows I meant no harm. I am sorry if you took as harsh, it was in no way intended to be. I get why you did what did. If it gave you peace I am very happy that it did. God Bless you.

jmandy, I didn't mean to make you feel bad about your posts. If you can be a friend to someone who needs it, then I say more power to you. I'm not that strong. I still have a lot of burning hate/anger towards my x that I'm working on. Maybe in time I will feel differently, but right now I want as little to do with him as possible. Co-parenting with him takes all the energy that I'm willing to muster at this point.
Hugs,
T.

Several replies to this post have been deleted upon request of the person replying.