Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
My belt on the car broke and I played hob getting a new one.my daughter picked one up, but it was the shorter belt. So I didn't get my work done Friday. I stayed up all night trying to get the car fixed and the car wouldn't start, either. Turns out there is another broken piece and that is actually what caused the break. I found that out 100% once I got everything put together ... the new belt disintegrated within a mile. There was a bad connection to the battery and I had helped jump start someone's car earlier in the day and must have made the connection worse.
Fortunately, it seems the broken belt only controls the power steering and A/C, so it was drivable. But it was hard to get that info, despite a shop manual and thorough web search. SO I wasn't sure if I should drive it. I was 3/4 of the way finished (and running VERY late) Saturday when the cable in the gear selector lost tension. I ended walking the rest of the route ... getting rained on. I sat in the car, trying to figure out what to do ... no tools to speak of ... I ended up falling asleep ... next thing I knew, there was a police officer talking to me but it took me a good ten minutes before I was sensible ... that nap was the first 2 hours of sleep I'd had since Thurs. night. I told him the car wouldn't start b/c it was stuck in reverse gear and the cable was loose somewhere, somehow. I called the towing company to see if maybe they had someone that could help with that ... no. So my only options were to try to fix it or get it towed and then still have to fix it (but a tow would be about $80). I went into the store whose parking lot I had been stranded in and bought a $2 screwdriver. Managed to get the center console out and found where the cable had come apart and was able to reattach it.
Toady, of course I had numerous complaints and two "quits" ... one said "poor service". It hurts to know that I keep taking things seriously ... and have to keep trying to fix my own car impromptu and without help ... and who knows how many people think I am just irresponsible and uncaring, doing things however I want? My own daughters don't have any respect for me ...
Yet, I thought about it that day and today and I realized, that I should actually be an inspiration and instead, I am ignored. I should be considered a solid investment, but I'm being written off as a failure. What I really need is to have a few days where the opposite of all these crap days happens and I have some unexpected and pertinent good fortune ... and happily, I can say I've had a few (thank you for all those who have helped me get through to today, in every way shape and form imaginable and maybe ways I don't even know!!).
Right now, I'm pretty worn out, more emotional than anything. I fell asleep at some point yesterday until earlier today. I wanted to apply for a couple jobs Friday and that obviously went out the door. The day after I spoke with my older daughter about buying her car (if she got another), he took her and got rid of the car, eliminating any opportunity for me to have a back-up and get the heck out of here ... and all I can hear are the words of my attorney telling me that oh, I'm getting to live here "rent free" hahaha ... yeah, figure in all the losses and I'll show you "rent free"! I called there today to get the TOTAL amount I owe, as I am figuring I am really, pretty much on my own and better start looking at the worst of everything.
Fortunately, it seems the broken belt only controls the power steering and A/C, so it was drivable. But it was hard to get that info, despite a shop manual and thorough web search. SO I wasn't sure if I should drive it. I was 3/4 of the way finished (and running VERY late) Saturday when the cable in the gear selector lost tension. I ended walking the rest of the route ... getting rained on. I sat in the car, trying to figure out what to do ... no tools to speak of ... I ended up falling asleep ... next thing I knew, there was a police officer talking to me but it took me a good ten minutes before I was sensible ... that nap was the first 2 hours of sleep I'd had since Thurs. night. I told him the car wouldn't start b/c it was stuck in reverse gear and the cable was loose somewhere, somehow. I called the towing company to see if maybe they had someone that could help with that ... no. So my only options were to try to fix it or get it towed and then still have to fix it (but a tow would be about $80). I went into the store whose parking lot I had been stranded in and bought a $2 screwdriver. Managed to get the center console out and found where the cable had come apart and was able to reattach it.
Toady, of course I had numerous complaints and two "quits" ... one said "poor service". It hurts to know that I keep taking things seriously ... and have to keep trying to fix my own car impromptu and without help ... and who knows how many people think I am just irresponsible and uncaring, doing things however I want? My own daughters don't have any respect for me ...
Yet, I thought about it that day and today and I realized, that I should actually be an inspiration and instead, I am ignored. I should be considered a solid investment, but I'm being written off as a failure. What I really need is to have a few days where the opposite of all these crap days happens and I have some unexpected and pertinent good fortune ... and happily, I can say I've had a few (thank you for all those who have helped me get through to today, in every way shape and form imaginable and maybe ways I don't even know!!).
Right now, I'm pretty worn out, more emotional than anything. I fell asleep at some point yesterday until earlier today. I wanted to apply for a couple jobs Friday and that obviously went out the door. The day after I spoke with my older daughter about buying her car (if she got another), he took her and got rid of the car, eliminating any opportunity for me to have a back-up and get the heck out of here ... and all I can hear are the words of my attorney telling me that oh, I'm getting to live here "rent free" hahaha ... yeah, figure in all the losses and I'll show you "rent free"! I called there today to get the TOTAL amount I owe, as I am figuring I am really, pretty much on my own and better start looking at the worst of everything.
until they break, and then we realize how dependent we are on them.
Is your attorney able to speed up the settlement so you can either
fix your car or get more dependable wheels?
Keep your chin up, it's so hard to stay self loving in those kinds of
situations when everyone seems to be inviting you to feel badly
about yourself. I guess we all have to be our own hero, and become
that rock solid cheerleader and friend that we all so desperately need
after being knocked down by the N and co. (they always seem to have
their own peanut gallery don't they?)
Hang in there, Hugs (( ))
Which president said "There is no such thing as a free lunch" That was my favorite time of history class, that and alphabet soup, as I love the park system. But I digress.
Calling our living situations "free" is monitinizing our emotional and physical health. There is nothing free about living in a space where we are constantly being reminded of the abuse we incurred while living with the abuser. There is nothing free about having to deal with kids who side with the abuser and therefor help with thwarting any chance of independance. There is nothing free about having to daily look around at the constant reminders of broken, manipulated promises that were a daily presence in our lives.
Dadda, I have been trying to turn my discussions positive so her it goes for you.
I have had a long but positive weekend where I was able to remind myself how resilient and talented I am. I have learned that I am able to function for 48 hrs without sleep. This will be good for me if I am ever in a stakeout, as I know I will be able to outlast anyone who is trying to escape from me.
I have also discovered how to fix a car so it runs with just a cheep $2 screw driver and duct tape (yes, you didn't use duct tape but McGuiver would have and you remind me of him a bit) I reinforced in myself that I am a survivor and that if the world was to end today I would survive.
I have learned that people are fickle and a bit entitled. Who needs those people anyway. I need people in my life who understand that the print on a newspaper will not change whether it gets to them at 5am or 6:30am. Who in their right mind is up that early anyway!!
In the end I have learned that I am my own best/worst advocate. I have learned that a financial loss right now may turn out to be a gain for my emotional and physical health. It may be time for me to walk away from my "free" living arrangement and find my "freedom."
Which president said "There is no such thing as a free lunch" That was my favorite time of history class, that and alphabet soup, as I love the park system. But I digress.
Calling our living situations "free" is monitinizing our emotional and physical health. There is nothing free about living in a space where we are constantly being reminded of the abuse we incurred while living with the abuser. There is nothing free about having to deal with kids who side with the abuser and therefor help with thwarting any chance of independance. There is nothing free about having to daily look around at the constant reminders of broken, manipulated promises that were a daily presence in our lives.
Dadda, I have been trying to turn my discussions positive so her it goes for you.
I have had a long but positive weekend where I was able to remind myself how resilient and talented I am. I have learned that I am able to function for 48 hrs without sleep. This will be good for me if I am ever in a stakeout, as I know I will be able to outlast anyone who is trying to escape from me.
I have also discovered how to fix a car so it runs with just a cheep $2 screw driver and duct tape (yes, you didn't use duct tape but McGuiver would have and you remind me of him a bit) I reinforced in myself that I am a survivor and that if the world was to end today I would survive.
I have learned that people are fickle and a bit entitled. Who needs those people anyway. I need people in my life who understand that the print on a newspaper will not change whether it gets to them at 5am or 6:30am. Who in their right mind is up that early anyway!!
In the end I have learned that I am my own best/worst advocate. I have learned that a financial loss right now may turn out to be a gain for my emotional and physical health. It may be time for me to walk away from my "free" living arrangement and find my "freedom."
Which president said "There is no such thing as a free lunch" That was my favorite time of history class, that and alphabet soup, as I love the park system. But I digress.
Calling our living situations "free" is monitinizing our emotional and physical health. There is nothing free about living in a space where we are constantly being reminded of the abuse we incurred while living with the abuser. There is nothing free about having to deal with kids who side with the abuser and therefor help with thwarting any chance of independance. There is nothing free about having to daily look around at the constant reminders of broken, manipulated promises that were a daily presence in our lives.
Dadda, I have been trying to turn my discussions positive so her it goes for you.
I have had a long but positive weekend where I was able to remind myself how resilient and talented I am. I have learned that I am able to function for 48 hrs without sleep. This will be good for me if I am ever in a stakeout, as I know I will be able to outlast anyone who is trying to escape from me.
I have also discovered how to fix a car so it runs with just a cheep $2 screw driver and duct tape (yes, you didn't use duct tape but McGuiver would have and you remind me of him a bit) I reinforced in myself that I am a survivor and that if the world was to end today I would survive.
I have learned that people are fickle and a bit entitled. Who needs those people anyway. I need people in my life who understand that the print on a newspaper will not change whether it gets to them at 5am or 6:30am. Who in their right mind is up that early anyway!!
In the end I have learned that I am my own best/worst advocate. I have learned that a financial loss right now may turn out to be a gain for my emotional and physical health. It may be time for me to walk away from my "free" living arrangement and find my "freedom."
Which president said "There is no such thing as a free lunch" That was my favorite time of history class, that and alphabet soup, as I love the park system. But I digress.
Calling our living situations "free" is monitinizing our emotional and physical health. There is nothing free about living in a space where we are constantly being reminded of the abuse we incurred while living with the abuser. There is nothing free about having to deal with kids who side with the abuser and therefor help with thwarting any chance of independance. There is nothing free about having to daily look around at the constant reminders of broken, manipulated promises that were a daily presence in our lives.
Dadda, I have been trying to turn my discussions positive so her it goes for you.
I have had a long but positive weekend where I was able to remind myself how resilient and talented I am. I have learned that I am able to function for 48 hrs without sleep. This will be good for me if I am ever in a stakeout, as I know I will be able to outlast anyone who is trying to escape from me.
I have also discovered how to fix a car so it runs with just a cheep $2 screw driver and duct tape (yes, you didn't use duct tape but McGuiver would have and you remind me of him a bit) I reinforced in myself that I am a survivor and that if the world was to end today I would survive.
I have learned that people are fickle and a bit entitled. Who needs those people anyway. I need people in my life who understand that the print on a newspaper will not change whether it gets to them at 5am or 6:30am. Who in their right mind is up that early anyway!!
In the end I have learned that I am my own best/worst advocate. I have learned that a financial loss right now may turn out to be a gain for my emotional and physical health. It may be time for me to walk away from my "free" living arrangement and find my "freedom."
Which president said "There is no such thing as a free lunch" That was my favorite time of history class, that and alphabet soup, as I love the park system. But I digress.
Calling our living situations "free" is monitinizing our emotional and physical health. There is nothing free about living in a space where we are constantly being reminded of the abuse we incurred while living with the abuser. There is nothing free about having to deal with kids who side with the abuser and therefor help with thwarting any chance of independance. There is nothing free about having to daily look around at the constant reminders of broken, manipulated promises that were a daily presence in our lives.
Dadda, I have been trying to turn my discussions positive so her it goes for you.
I have had a long but positive weekend where I was able to remind myself how resilient and talented I am. I have learned that I am able to function for 48 hrs without sleep. This will be good for me if I am ever in a stakeout, as I know I will be able to outlast anyone who is trying to escape from me.
I have also discovered how to fix a car so it runs with just a cheep $2 screw driver and duct tape (yes, you didn't use duct tape but McGuiver would have and you remind me of him a bit) I reinforced in myself that I am a survivor and that if the world was to end today I would survive.
I have learned that people are fickle and a bit entitled. Who needs those people anyway. I need people in my life who understand that the print on a newspaper will not change whether it gets to them at 5am or 6:30am. Who in their right mind is up that early anyway!!
In the end I have learned that I am my own best/worst advocate. I have learned that a financial loss right now may turn out to be a gain for my emotional and physical health. It may be time for me to walk away from my "free" living arrangement and find my "freedom."
Which president said "There is no such thing as a free lunch" That was my favorite time of history class, that and alphabet soup, as I love the park system. But I digress.
Calling our living situations "free" is monitinizing our emotional and physical health. There is nothing free about living in a space where we are constantly being reminded of the abuse we incurred while living with the abuser. There is nothing free about having to deal with kids who side with the abuser and therefor help with thwarting any chance of independance. There is nothing free about having to daily look around at the constant reminders of broken, manipulated promises that were a daily presence in our lives.
Dadda, I have been trying to turn my discussions positive so her it goes for you.
I have had a long but positive weekend where I was able to remind myself how resilient and talented I am. I have learned that I am able to function for 48 hrs without sleep. This will be good for me if I am ever in a stakeout, as I know I will be able to outlast anyone who is trying to escape from me.
I have also discovered how to fix a car so it runs with just a cheep $2 screw driver and duct tape (yes, you didn't use duct tape but McGuiver would have and you remind me of him a bit) I reinforced in myself that I am a survivor and that if the world was to end today I would survive.
I have learned that people are fickle and a bit entitled. Who needs those people anyway. I need people in my life who understand that the print on a newspaper will not change whether it gets to them at 5am or 6:30am. Who in their right mind is up that early anyway!!
In the end I have learned that I am my own best/worst advocate. I have learned that a financial loss right now may turn out to be a gain for my emotional and physical health. It may be time for me to walk away from my "free" living arrangement and find my "freedom."
I guess the whole "free rent" thing has been like a huge red flag for me ... I know attorneys are supposed to be good at "sizing up" their clients, but the darn professional psychologists and psychiatrists got it wrong long enough ... and I know at times I come across as having a chip on my shoulder or grasping at any opportunity not to get screwed over again ... just this big red flag saying, "she's supposed to be your ADVOCATE" and telling you that staring at the four walls of the "non-home", hoping daughters don't raise hell when asked to help get a part for the car ... I mean, I rode my bicycle to town the other night and my daughter turned around, met me at the gas station and basically yelled at me the whole ride home (thank God it's only 3 miles!). Telling me I'm getting a "new" car (I like the way finances work in her head ... obviously, in my favor!
It really hurt, too to have 100+ people who think I'm irresponsible or whatever ... and I know some will be understanding, but some DON'T care. Once in a while, I get in a funk and it is a very mindless job ... I forget if I actually delivered and mostly, when I go back, I did. But I missed a lady and I was explaining and she just DIDN'T care ... I wished my day could revolve around the evening paper getting to my house!! One reason I haven't really tried going back to nursing before ... well, I did once but it just seems for me at least my heart and head have to be on solid ground and if not, I don't want to put others' in jeopardy. But any job I take seriously.
I was crying earlier because I was remembering some of the things I used to do with my daughters ... my oldest heard me snuffling in the bedroom and came in and hugged me ... she told me, too, that, "Dad loves you even if you don't get along." She's the one who thinks I came back for him, not them ... she can't seem to get it through her head ... without her and her sister, I'd have been long gone and NEVER looked back. I was trying to keep quiet, but fall reminds me of so much from past, seemingly happier days ... and at times, I've been accused of trying to get sympathy. I think I did try that once, with her father but didn't like the feeling, so ... no I just show my emotions too easily sometimes a blessing and sometimes a curse!
I know we are all going through trials and tribulations and the pain to us all *hurts*, not the best word, but I guess it works. I keep reading on infidelity and some of the other stuff these people do, and everything pretty much agrees it is a problem in them. I am sorry for what I know you all are going through ... I remember when I used to have my head spinning, when things first got crazy and I just kept wondering if everyone goes through "this" but nobody talks about it? I didn't think that could be right, because if I was fairly certain if some crazy situation was going to jump up at my children in their adult lives and knock them for a loop, I would be saying SOMETHING. But it also strikes me how secretive things were not too long ago, even ... girls would become pregnant, go off for a long visit and return like nothing ever happened. So I suppose it is taking a big chance, or was, to talk about some of the stuff ... I mean how his relatives are quite willing to go along, make me the problem, etc to "hide" the family skeletons. Does it ever make you wonder if we would ever even open up to one another, if we lived in the same town?
But I am glad that you all are there, just sad that this has to apparently be part of life ... and all of you, Sunnygal and Betty and Quepasa, and you too Livelife, I thank you for your ears and hearts.
I like that idea of being a detective of sorts ... it would be nice to uncover a buried treasure of sorts, now that I've dug up a lot of the family skeletons on both sides ... which reminds me I need to find that book, because I know enough about my side to wonder "whose" drama or part I might unconsciously living out ... I'd sort of like to confirm it or get rid of the notion, at least. Oh, and silly me ... I keep forgetting some people think "divorce is catching". No wonder I'm so all alone out here ... how can I keep forgetting that these people pretty much are foreigners to me and me to them, apparently (don't mean that in a mean way, just matter of fact, there's like no racial or religious diversity for the most part, either).
The lady from the paper called and usually, I have the impression she doesn't like me. She asked what happened and I explained and how everything that could go wrong did. She seemed very understanding and it probably helped that I called in first thing Saturday but darn, I sure wish this had happened Saturday, AFTER I was done ... oh how cruel a life can be at times! Well, I am working on my finances; I have no problem walking into freedom, but usually society likes it best if I do it in an understandable manner and somehow, I think that is the arrangement that suits me best, too. I have one more box of receipts to sort and then get things organized up for the law and try again to get some more $$ earned.
PS if McGuiver, can I have the helicopter, too (didn't he have one?)? I really think it would be cool to fly low over everything and see it all sort of close up ... I think it would be really neat to be able to pilot one of those!! Maybe a hope for the future!
Keep praying until something good happens or put it out to the Universe that you need help now like no other time and expect something to come and help you. Remember it is a day at a time thing.
I totally lost it with my mother today. She was berating me for my lack of cleaning after I had already warned her my place was not totally clean due to my disabilities and four years of being obsessed with and drained by the N and some like him afterwards.
This after I figured out some ex-borderline sociopath N friend of mine somehow got some way to get into my facebook account and posted a link on it on her own facebook page! Anyone could then go read private messages, etc.! I am hoping it is not as bad as it looked, but I don't know. I had to deactivate my account today out of fear of privacy issues.
It's been a crappy day so far. this too shall pass. Just take care of yourself, do the best you can and ask, "what else is possible?" It will show up for you.
I guess I need to play that game, "what's the worst that could happen if ...?" Because I suppose besides the income thing I get afraid that I would be expected to get all of my stuff out with no transportation, money, etc. So I know that one fear actually represents a lot more, and mostly, being at the mercy of someone who's pretty well assured me that there is no mercy for me (because supper wasn't on the table at 6pm every night? That's just crazy ... and I suppose what makes it suck!) I could rent a vehicle, just thanks to all those college costs, my cards are about maxed out ... one day, my daughter is going to feel like crap when it hits her what she did, all blase like and thinking me the b*tch. I've been there and done that and sometimes, well put it this way, I was telling my younger brother the other day that I had to be (PLEASE!!) nearly through paying for my adolescent sins and stupidity. I did the best I was capable of and have now let go for now ... haven't talked with her for like a week or so, when she was demanding apology from me. Hate this, but all I can see is turning into his mother or similar otherwise and I really needed space from my father when I moved out ... but I was working FT and self supporting ... but control seems to be the underlying dynamic to his family, so I am going to try to ride it out ...
shamelessly in front of me, and that was nothing compared to the pain
I've felt listening to my son sound like a mini-me of his father.
Pure heartbreak. But accepting abuse from our kids is not being loving to
them, and it is certainly not being loving to ourselves. And isn't modeling
positive self-love one of the most important things we have to do as parents?
Damned hard to do though, after we've been through a hatchet job by the
N and his minions. Some people really get off on kicking others when they're
down, it's one of the worst aspects of so-called human nature (I suspect it's
learned). Even celebrities can't escape.
Sending you hugs dadda11o, ((( ))), hang in there. Sunshine is around the
corner.