Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
I just had a good cry. I called the sheriff's office to report that he violated the PO. He has made several calls to my cell and house phone, which I did not answer nor return. No messages were left. Someone knocked on the door; I thought it might be the pastor, who has been stopping by to help with the car lately. No, him. He wanted to know if he could ask me a question. Not knowing what was coming, I let him ask (sure, I should close the door and tell him to go through the attorney, but then that will cost money I don't have and I have enough legal bills and absolutely no hope of anything resembling a settlement). He wants to know, AGAIN, if I will file bankruptcy with him. I told him before and I told him again, NO. He says he doesn't have a choice. I tell him yes you have, everything is about you. As soon as I started talking and talking sense, he drowned me out and assured me he "isn't coming back". What? All I want is something resembling a life. I darn well don't have any use for destructo - boy. I had a good job, a lot less debt and current references when I moved in here. I had a decent car (same one I had to buy when he took me to Court in 2001, claiming "she isn't visiting the kids". Of course, he never informed the Court the reason for that was no transportation and THAT resulted from being reamed by him in settlement.)
The officer gave me a choice whether I want it forwarded to the prosecutor's office. I said, yes. I am so sick of being told that everything he does is a "civil matter". He has robbed me, raped me, terrorized me (and our daughters), impersonated the mailman to try to get into my apt. bldg, refused to participate in mediation and made me out to be the blame for all. I know nothing will happen, but at least I did it. Had a hard therapy session today, because I FEEL LIKE everyone else is running around doing whatever the heck they want and I am the one being punished. It hit me a while back that his previous attorney was always threatening to have charges levied against me, including felonies (I have his letters still) because of my purported behavior (trying to get a PO in 2003. Why can't he be put in jail for not paying that judgment? I want out of here.
When he said that to me again about bankruptcy this evening, it was like rubbing my face in what I had talked about in therapy earlier .... all the work I have done ... I have nothing to show for it and he is pushing to have the next 7 - 10 years of my life messed up to some extent just because I had the misfortune to meet him and then, naively trust. And he has spent the last couple years screwing someone else's wife and is even now gambling.
Before that, he was spending up to $1000 month. I said some things I probably shouldn't have. But I will never get any other settlement from this travesty but that of telling him, to his face and the world, for all I care, that he used our kids for money ... collecting $1000 - $1500 a month, but refusing to take them for dental cleanings and checkups, doctor visits or immunizations. But no, he financed a car for $350 a month, which he can't do now, so I pointed that out and that it was our children's money he spent.
I also told him he does everything but f* fis mother. (He said, "how do you know I don't? etc" But I did not take that bait at least.) I do not normally talk like that, but I am sick and disgusted at having to deal with his mess while his mommy finances the continuation of it ... THERE IS NO WAY he could be continuing on and on without her financial support. His mother told me to my face in 1998 that I would have to "support him" for the rest of (his?my?) life ... what? That is NOT what I signed up for ... that is NOT marriage. He did not work a day we were together until shortly before we divorced 1st time ... 8 years. Before he closed our joint bank account, we had several thousand $$ saved, had a 15 year mortgage and maybe $1000 debt total. Now there is no money, bills galore and the mortgage? It stands at the same level as when we bought it. Plus the homeowner's insurance is now rated for the next few years because he claimed the fire ... and the big, whopping payoff check ($700) is sitting at the attorney's office, being squandered by legal fees. It was my stuff that was burned up, too, but he told me paid the premiums, so it's HIS money. Same with the $500 in insurance checks that were supposed to go to the therapist (so I can cope with his garbage) ... I had to pay the $500 and he is the reason I even have to go there ... he made $500 extra and I apparently have no recourse.
"Mr. Impressive" indeed. Guess I am sort of angry because his deranged nurse/girlfriend doesn't have anything of this to deal with, she is living with her husband (don't know what he is like, but she lied about him divorcing her, and supposedly he is abusive, but she is still there, so...), who has had a solid career job for 18 years. How did I end up here?? Please someone, wake me when it is over LOL.
And I flung it at him as he was leaving that the ONLY reason he's doing bankruptcy is to protect all the little gold coins he'll inherit from Mommy - no creditors will have a claim unless she dies before he gets it done. He claims all the little gold coins are gone, except for 1 or 2. Uh-huh. Like I am going to believe a liar ANYMORE.
I put words on my face on FB; people probably think I am weird. "Legally regulated hostage." I am not free to live my life; I said that to him too, as he tells me he's been living with "my decisions" for "long enough". No, THIS is SUPPOSED TO BE MY LIFE; the last two years have been nothing but limbo and stress. The only reason a marriage ultimately fails (got this from a prominent Chicago divorce attorney) is LACK OF COMMITMENT. We LIVE HERE because he NEVER made a commitment to the marriage; he thought he could play both sides; manage me and get his parents' property too. He doesn't even have a commitment to himself; he lives in bitterness because he couldn't become a commercial pilot. Oh, boohoo. I didn't get to have a decent marraige, which I wanted for myself and spouse, definitely to benefit our children. But I will not let that turn me into some kind of bitter nasty thing. What does he think he sounds like? Saying how his life was ruined because he didn't get to do that ... makes me and the kids seem like rotten mincemeat. Well, I do know that he is too self-centered to care. Or even realize what a total jerk he sounds like and IS.
When he filled out the papers in March 2000 and started threatening, I filed at the end of June and was OUT by October. No attorneys. I took little, trusting that I would have my "share" later but not willing to sabotage everything. I got a job, despite having undiagnosed PTSD. So poor little mama's boy, I have NOTHING but contempt for you and your pathetic excuses. And disgust for a pathetic excuse of a man, who runs away from wife and kids ... all the way next door to MOMMY. Wow; don't know how I managed to move 2000 miles from my relatives, but then I supported myself completely independently. Not something his mother or he has ever done. No they just bully, ridicule, lie and create false dramas, never batting an eye at the pain or destruction they cause.
I told my therapist today I am angry. I guess it shows. I do not know WHAT to do with this anger, but I know it is interfering with motivation, energy and all else. If anyone happens to read this utterly long rant, I'd be thankful for suggestions. Previously, I thought things would go at least halfway decently, I'd get out and pick up from there. Last year, I could have bought a modest but decent house. I have no idea what I am going to be able to do if and when this ends ... yes, I know it will. He is screwed up and the law is screwed up, too.
Thanks for letting me rant a bit.
Actually a lot.
The officer gave me a choice whether I want it forwarded to the prosecutor's office. I said, yes. I am so sick of being told that everything he does is a "civil matter". He has robbed me, raped me, terrorized me (and our daughters), impersonated the mailman to try to get into my apt. bldg, refused to participate in mediation and made me out to be the blame for all. I know nothing will happen, but at least I did it. Had a hard therapy session today, because I FEEL LIKE everyone else is running around doing whatever the heck they want and I am the one being punished. It hit me a while back that his previous attorney was always threatening to have charges levied against me, including felonies (I have his letters still) because of my purported behavior (trying to get a PO in 2003. Why can't he be put in jail for not paying that judgment? I want out of here.
When he said that to me again about bankruptcy this evening, it was like rubbing my face in what I had talked about in therapy earlier .... all the work I have done ... I have nothing to show for it and he is pushing to have the next 7 - 10 years of my life messed up to some extent just because I had the misfortune to meet him and then, naively trust. And he has spent the last couple years screwing someone else's wife and is even now gambling.
Before that, he was spending up to $1000 month. I said some things I probably shouldn't have. But I will never get any other settlement from this travesty but that of telling him, to his face and the world, for all I care, that he used our kids for money ... collecting $1000 - $1500 a month, but refusing to take them for dental cleanings and checkups, doctor visits or immunizations. But no, he financed a car for $350 a month, which he can't do now, so I pointed that out and that it was our children's money he spent.
I also told him he does everything but f* fis mother. (He said, "how do you know I don't? etc" But I did not take that bait at least.) I do not normally talk like that, but I am sick and disgusted at having to deal with his mess while his mommy finances the continuation of it ... THERE IS NO WAY he could be continuing on and on without her financial support. His mother told me to my face in 1998 that I would have to "support him" for the rest of (his?my?) life ... what? That is NOT what I signed up for ... that is NOT marriage. He did not work a day we were together until shortly before we divorced 1st time ... 8 years. Before he closed our joint bank account, we had several thousand $$ saved, had a 15 year mortgage and maybe $1000 debt total. Now there is no money, bills galore and the mortgage? It stands at the same level as when we bought it. Plus the homeowner's insurance is now rated for the next few years because he claimed the fire ... and the big, whopping payoff check ($700) is sitting at the attorney's office, being squandered by legal fees. It was my stuff that was burned up, too, but he told me paid the premiums, so it's HIS money. Same with the $500 in insurance checks that were supposed to go to the therapist (so I can cope with his garbage) ... I had to pay the $500 and he is the reason I even have to go there ... he made $500 extra and I apparently have no recourse.
"Mr. Impressive" indeed. Guess I am sort of angry because his deranged nurse/girlfriend doesn't have anything of this to deal with, she is living with her husband (don't know what he is like, but she lied about him divorcing her, and supposedly he is abusive, but she is still there, so...), who has had a solid career job for 18 years. How did I end up here?? Please someone, wake me when it is over LOL.
And I flung it at him as he was leaving that the ONLY reason he's doing bankruptcy is to protect all the little gold coins he'll inherit from Mommy - no creditors will have a claim unless she dies before he gets it done. He claims all the little gold coins are gone, except for 1 or 2. Uh-huh. Like I am going to believe a liar ANYMORE.
I put words on my face on FB; people probably think I am weird. "Legally regulated hostage." I am not free to live my life; I said that to him too, as he tells me he's been living with "my decisions" for "long enough". No, THIS is SUPPOSED TO BE MY LIFE; the last two years have been nothing but limbo and stress. The only reason a marriage ultimately fails (got this from a prominent Chicago divorce attorney) is LACK OF COMMITMENT. We LIVE HERE because he NEVER made a commitment to the marriage; he thought he could play both sides; manage me and get his parents' property too. He doesn't even have a commitment to himself; he lives in bitterness because he couldn't become a commercial pilot. Oh, boohoo. I didn't get to have a decent marraige, which I wanted for myself and spouse, definitely to benefit our children. But I will not let that turn me into some kind of bitter nasty thing. What does he think he sounds like? Saying how his life was ruined because he didn't get to do that ... makes me and the kids seem like rotten mincemeat. Well, I do know that he is too self-centered to care. Or even realize what a total jerk he sounds like and IS.
When he filled out the papers in March 2000 and started threatening, I filed at the end of June and was OUT by October. No attorneys. I took little, trusting that I would have my "share" later but not willing to sabotage everything. I got a job, despite having undiagnosed PTSD. So poor little mama's boy, I have NOTHING but contempt for you and your pathetic excuses. And disgust for a pathetic excuse of a man, who runs away from wife and kids ... all the way next door to MOMMY. Wow; don't know how I managed to move 2000 miles from my relatives, but then I supported myself completely independently. Not something his mother or he has ever done. No they just bully, ridicule, lie and create false dramas, never batting an eye at the pain or destruction they cause.
I told my therapist today I am angry. I guess it shows. I do not know WHAT to do with this anger, but I know it is interfering with motivation, energy and all else. If anyone happens to read this utterly long rant, I'd be thankful for suggestions. Previously, I thought things would go at least halfway decently, I'd get out and pick up from there. Last year, I could have bought a modest but decent house. I have no idea what I am going to be able to do if and when this ends ... yes, I know it will. He is screwed up and the law is screwed up, too.
Thanks for letting me rant a bit.
Actually a lot.
Wow, reading this brought goosebumps. It is exactly what I went through and to some extent going through with my ex spouse as well. She robbed me. She raped me. She emasculated me. And then she terrorized me for the remainder of the last four years. She impersonated a human being. She impersonated my soul mate. I too entered the relationship with a firm job, great credit, savings, happy. And I exited it in bankruptcy, house foreclosed, unemployed with 13 year old rusty van. All the while, she drives her Lexus, her $100K salary, her doctorate in law, as my children call me to tell me that she is never around.
I am so proud of you and what you have accomplished! You go Girl! I hope I can find some traction as well...
I am waiting patiently until you have the time and inclination to tell us all about your short (one weekend only?) stint in the Navy Reserves (it was Navy? Can't see your post on page one, since I'm on page two now). I know your account will be interesting and witty despite any emotional trauma the actual experience entailed.
I am more interested than most because . . . . can you believe this? . . .. I had a very short . . . 1 hour and 45 minute . .. active duty Navy career. . before I was granted a hardship discharge tied to my single mother with absolutely no family/Dad support status. I was very disappointed as the plan was for the Navy to provide a pathway into college (which didn't happen for another 15 or so years). Oh, well. I probably would not have been able to handle the physical aspects of bootcamp anyway. And , I am sure my questioning of all authority, especially my own, would have been hard for the Navy to handle.
As it was, I came out of the experience with some nice pictures of my special swearing-in ceremony (private with a Commodore, instead of the usual enmasse group thing) and surprisingly . . . VietNam Vet status for federal financial aide . . .crazy, but despite my protests OSU gave me this status. Ends up I never used it as I got full scholarships. It is a crazy world out there . . . . full of adventures that make good stories . . . some funny, some painful . . . . some emotionally, psychologically, financially, or even physically damaging . . . some rewarding, empowering, and educational.
Your life, while full of pain and trauma, is always interesting and educational. You are a wonderful example of a woman striving to empower herself, standing tall despite all odds, holding and practicing principles of justice and compassion. Keep enlightening us as you progress forward. . . . Hugs.
Sometimes people have a hard time relating if it is just one person's story, but often they catch glimpses of their own experience in the different lives and phases. I honestly doubt I could write a whole book, but something like that seems doable. So, Bean, you have me brainstorming again.
I'm thinking you are referring to my "Legally Regulated Hostage" status? That was one of those things I had mixed feelings about ... but I think one of the things "I" am learning during this long, crazy ordeal is that plenty of people are willing to stand up for a cause, as long as it is "popular" or "socially acceptable". There are far fewer people that will stand up and take action against wrong; it also bothers me that many are silent (including churches; they will put any physical illness in a bulletin, people will gladly repond with prayer and help, but divorce, they won't touch ... in MY experince, which has been with several churches through this) and sort of ignore the situation.
I noticed that Rodney King died just hte other day. I was in the Simi Valley Courthouse to pay a fine the day the verdict was announced. I remember one of my husband's few accurate predictions (or was he really a different person, before his relatives took over our lives? after I returned home. He told me that there would be rioting if the 4 officers were acquitted. I basically laughed; later that night we watched the riots taking place all over the county. My oldest daughter was 6 weeks old. The next day, I drove into work, noticing police sharpshooters stationed behind sandbags at the station near my job. Places near where I lived in the San Fernando Valley were burned or other riot related damage had occurred as I made my deliveries all over the Valley that day (I delievered snacks for Frito-Lay, in those days). It was surreal, but the whole situation seems instructive to me. I don't necessarily believe in people, overall, the way I used to. But I believe in some people and I believe in moments. I do care, sometimes, that some people might view some of my actions, like the blue words on my face, as indication of craziness or something that nets me negative consequences. But the VERY weird part of this whole experience (especially more lately) is the "feeling" I have that I am in some sort of "social research" situation. I'm not the greatest communicator, but my intelligence and knowledge makes me understand that I might in some way, be able to affect current practices and customs in a positive direction. Maybe during this time, my "weirdness" will bring me into company that will consist of an individual(s) that will be even more instrumental in bringing about change. The glory I could care less about. I am just realizing, so much more than I used to, that people are divided and conquered in abusive relationships and this often carries over into the way things are handled in the "support systems", "Family Courts", etc. There is still way to much damage and destruction going on all over the place, it occurs invisibly, the truth of the matter being absorbed into the mental health system, legal and economic difficulties. Victims often lose the thread of cause/effect, the systems basically ignore it for the most part. I wish I could do more to draw attention to the realities.
Onefaithremains: yes, I know the goosebumps, too. I literally do respond bodily to experiences that others recount, such as reading news stories or watching televison. I can't watch horror (slasher) movies; I can't take the idea that some minds think like that or worse, that type of fare is "entertainment". I think the only good thing in most slasher movies is that the people are normally killed fairly quickly. I think death a lot less terrifying or hard compared to the person (like in the movie) who isn't killed, but they are targeted and they are on adrenalin overload the rest of the movie (they never show the "after-effects", that might be a good movie, too).
I like watching some of that "true crime" stuff on TruTV and another station (we don't get since satellite cancelled). PLEASE don't anyone take this "wrong". I am not downgrading anyone's pain or anything ... but people get "20 to life, often, for murder. The purpose of the justice system is not to make the person necessarily suffer, but to keep others from being murdered. Yet a dead person has no more to do with the troubles of this world. Some people who've been exposed to abuse have a "life sentence" imposed on them, in terms of their physical/mental health, financial, social, career and many other repercussions possible. Their only involvement in "instigation" of their abuse would be that they were IGNORANT. Yet the most heinous criminal has rights to appeal and many other opportunites for changing their fate. Their is no place or agency of appeal when your life and opportunities have been shattered, maybe permanently damaged through abuse ... and the person who abused may never even be legally charged with any crime OR be forced to accountability through Civil Court.
Fortunately, there are some people out there who are able to empathize; they do not turn away from the victim or their experience ... they help. That is another thing that gives me hope of change. Piecemeal help is maybe all many people need, or they retain enough resources and have the savvy to negotiate the system. A big part of "our" problem is that the Court is quite well aware that, for example, if emotional abuse (and its COSTLY EFFECTS) were addressed in Court proceding, the floodgates would open with those seeking economic gain rather than merely trying to regain authority over their life and possibly, holding the abusive person responsible for costs directly related to their actions and currently borne by victims or government programs (often not the best place for getting quality treatment, either).
So hang in there, too, Onefaith. I was a REAL MESS and scared of my own shadow back when!! And I really appreciate your words. I have been working on processing the traumatic things, because I do see how it affects my confidence and competency level, which I would like to be more consistent. And working on developing more mature defense mechanisms to deal with the realities. We can make a difference and have different (and better); that much I am convinced of.
Quepasa: I thought I was the only "rebel"! Haha. But I am sorry to hear how that worked out ... my story is actually a "2-parter" and I will post that as soon as I can. Although some people might view me in a negative light, there are some funny and good points, which I hope I can capture, plus the fact that some of the way the experience panned out communicates a vast departure from "victim stance" and I would LOVE to be able to incorporate the qualities more into my life. So I need to work it out so I can post it.
Ask not what your country can do for you ... and of course, as a parent, (which government and its agencies "stand in" for, even to adults (shudder), I know my country may not want what is good for it and change may be hard and painful. But as I have explained to my daughters, I could take "the easy way", turn a blind eye to their avtivities, even let them go to hell in a handbasket. It is often hard to be a good parent to (especially!!) a teen/young adult, who think they know everything, especially having the awareness of all they missed out on due to family chaos/propaganda/unhealthy dynamics, rather than "real world" lessonns and reasoning. Challenging my daughters has often left me to cry my eyes out after, but I know at some level, they do value what I say and they know I "mean" it. I hope that a "side effect" of my continuing on in the struggle for change and also, helping others "the right way", will help them understand better than "my side of the story" or the (real) truth, told to them, will do. I am hoping that seeing others face the same challenges I did, and how it affects kids' lives, etc., will help them come to terms or get them started on that process. I know they have experienced emotional trauma; the trick is how to get them aimed at healing when the more likely response is that of blocking it out until it rears its ugly head in their lives at some later date.