I just had a good cry. I called the sheriff's office to report that he violated the PO. He has made several calls to my cell and house phone, which I did not answer nor return. No messages were left. Someone knocked on the door; I thought it might be the pastor, who has been stopping by to help with the car lately. No, him. He wanted to know if he could ask me a question. Not knowing what was coming, I let him ask (sure, I should close the door and tell him to go through the attorney, but then that will cost money I don't have and I have enough legal bills and absolutely no hope of anything resembling a settlement). He wants to know, AGAIN, if I will file bankruptcy with him. I told him before and I told him again, NO. He says he doesn't have a choice. I tell him yes you have, everything is about you. As soon as I started talking and talking sense, he drowned me out and assured me he "isn't coming back". What? All I want is something resembling a life. I darn well don't have any use for destructo - boy. I had a good job, a lot less debt and current references when I moved in here. I had a decent car (same one I had to buy when he took me to Court in 2001, claiming "she isn't visiting the kids". Of course, he never informed the Court the reason for that was no transportation and THAT resulted from being reamed by him in settlement.)

The officer gave me a choice whether I want it forwarded to the prosecutor's office. I said, yes. I am so sick of being told that everything he does is a "civil matter". He has robbed me, raped me, terrorized me (and our daughters), impersonated the mailman to try to get into my apt. bldg, refused to participate in mediation and made me out to be the blame for all. I know nothing will happen, but at least I did it. Had a hard therapy session today, because I FEEL LIKE everyone else is running around doing whatever the heck they want and I am the one being punished. It hit me a while back that his previous attorney was always threatening to have charges levied against me, including felonies (I have his letters still) because of my purported behavior (trying to get a PO in 2003. Why can't he be put in jail for not paying that judgment? I want out of here.

When he said that to me again about bankruptcy this evening, it was like rubbing my face in what I had talked about in therapy earlier .... all the work I have done ... I have nothing to show for it and he is pushing to have the next 7 - 10 years of my life messed up to some extent just because I had the misfortune to meet him and then, naively trust. And he has spent the last couple years screwing someone else's wife and is even now gambling.

Before that, he was spending up to $1000 month. I said some things I probably shouldn't have. But I will never get any other settlement from this travesty but that of telling him, to his face and the world, for all I care, that he used our kids for money ... collecting $1000 - $1500 a month, but refusing to take them for dental cleanings and checkups, doctor visits or immunizations. But no, he financed a car for $350 a month, which he can't do now, so I pointed that out and that it was our children's money he spent.

I also told him he does everything but f* fis mother. (He said, "how do you know I don't? etc" But I did not take that bait at least.) I do not normally talk like that, but I am sick and disgusted at having to deal with his mess while his mommy finances the continuation of it ... THERE IS NO WAY he could be continuing on and on without her financial support. His mother told me to my face in 1998 that I would have to "support him" for the rest of (his?my?) life ... what? That is NOT what I signed up for ... that is NOT marriage. He did not work a day we were together until shortly before we divorced 1st time ... 8 years. Before he closed our joint bank account, we had several thousand $$ saved, had a 15 year mortgage and maybe $1000 debt total. Now there is no money, bills galore and the mortgage? It stands at the same level as when we bought it. Plus the homeowner's insurance is now rated for the next few years because he claimed the fire ... and the big, whopping payoff check ($700) is sitting at the attorney's office, being squandered by legal fees. It was my stuff that was burned up, too, but he told me paid the premiums, so it's HIS money. Same with the $500 in insurance checks that were supposed to go to the therapist (so I can cope with his garbage) ... I had to pay the $500 and he is the reason I even have to go there ... he made $500 extra and I apparently have no recourse.

"Mr. Impressive" indeed. Guess I am sort of angry because his deranged nurse/girlfriend doesn't have anything of this to deal with, she is living with her husband (don't know what he is like, but she lied about him divorcing her, and supposedly he is abusive, but she is still there, so...), who has had a solid career job for 18 years. How did I end up here?? Please someone, wake me when it is over LOL.

And I flung it at him as he was leaving that the ONLY reason he's doing bankruptcy is to protect all the little gold coins he'll inherit from Mommy - no creditors will have a claim unless she dies before he gets it done. He claims all the little gold coins are gone, except for 1 or 2. Uh-huh. Like I am going to believe a liar ANYMORE.

I put words on my face on FB; people probably think I am weird. "Legally regulated hostage." I am not free to live my life; I said that to him too, as he tells me he's been living with "my decisions" for "long enough". No, THIS is SUPPOSED TO BE MY LIFE; the last two years have been nothing but limbo and stress. The only reason a marriage ultimately fails (got this from a prominent Chicago divorce attorney) is LACK OF COMMITMENT. We LIVE HERE because he NEVER made a commitment to the marriage; he thought he could play both sides; manage me and get his parents' property too. He doesn't even have a commitment to himself; he lives in bitterness because he couldn't become a commercial pilot. Oh, boohoo. I didn't get to have a decent marraige, which I wanted for myself and spouse, definitely to benefit our children. But I will not let that turn me into some kind of bitter nasty thing. What does he think he sounds like? Saying how his life was ruined because he didn't get to do that ... makes me and the kids seem like rotten mincemeat. Well, I do know that he is too self-centered to care. Or even realize what a total jerk he sounds like and IS.

When he filled out the papers in March 2000 and started threatening, I filed at the end of June and was OUT by October. No attorneys. I took little, trusting that I would have my "share" later but not willing to sabotage everything. I got a job, despite having undiagnosed PTSD. So poor little mama's boy, I have NOTHING but contempt for you and your pathetic excuses. And disgust for a pathetic excuse of a man, who runs away from wife and kids ... all the way next door to MOMMY. Wow; don't know how I managed to move 2000 miles from my relatives, but then I supported myself completely independently. Not something his mother or he has ever done. No they just bully, ridicule, lie and create false dramas, never batting an eye at the pain or destruction they cause.

I told my therapist today I am angry. I guess it shows. I do not know WHAT to do with this anger, but I know it is interfering with motivation, energy and all else. If anyone happens to read this utterly long rant, I'd be thankful for suggestions. Previously, I thought things would go at least halfway decently, I'd get out and pick up from there. Last year, I could have bought a modest but decent house. I have no idea what I am going to be able to do if and when this ends ... yes, I know it will. He is screwed up and the law is screwed up, too.

Thanks for letting me rant a bit.
Actually a lot.