Not making light of your situation or undermining your feelings but have you ever tried calling him a disgusting name and then outing his abusive ways on Facebook? They seem to run away and leave you alone after that. Not that you want him to leave you alone, I know you miss him and you too have been struggling with this a long time. I think soon you will get to a point where you've just kinda had it and you will do and say things in your own defense that you may not have done before. It really does make you hold on tighter to what they were when there is still contact. In your own time, I know you will get there. He sent that text and is now banking on your obsessing about it because the ball is now in your court. You can keep the ball (Ignoring the text) or you can throw it back. The ball is now his game and he will through it back if and when he feels like it. All the while you become more and more upset and hurt because he has not thrown the ball back to you. Back and forth. Sigh* We must save our selves, we must be our first love.

Part of me didn't text him back because he's done it to me and then part of me wants to move on and I know if I continue with it it'll never end. Like if I texted him back and he didn't say anything back then I'd be like omg he isn't texting back. But now I obsess because I didn't return his text. I guess I obsess either way :/ I have called him many names but I never tried the facebook thing. Idk I'd have to somehow filter the posts. I have so much family on there (including kids) and co-workers that I wouldn't want seeing the post. It really is back and forth :( I think that although he may not want to be with me (right now) he is afraid that I will go away for good. I've always been good "supply", right? I was driving home from my parents today and started crying over a sappy love song. It hurts because I actually loved him and I'm not sure that he ever felt that for me.

Hi, Dietcokelover! Don't feel bad about the obsessing, I can vouch you are not alone in that department. But fortunately I am finding different things to obsess about, at least.

I am not sure, have you had much chance to really express some of what you might feel like saying or what you think would be good to sort of "get off your chest"? With him in past, or in therapy or wherever? I know a lot of people in past have written letters and some of them do want to (or do, in cases) send them to the person, although it's pretty much never going to change anything or help (because their response, if any, is totally unlikely to be helpful to you), so it's just recommended to put it away.

I post stuff that I would LIKE to say, in public even, to him when I can't take any more of his garbage and what it is doing to (negatively) affect my life. But most of the time, I filter it to "just me" so I don't go through what you are talking about. But I do post stuff at times that isn't incendiary or stuff that people won't think, man she has lost it!! But stuff like the fact that his mother is financing his destruction and there is NO WAY he could be continuing on in this vein without her actively working to destroy her grandchildren's family and screw up the last year or two living at home. It clues some of my better friends, especially, that my daughters might need some extra (genuine) support or looking after and it sort of cues people in on what I am dealing with.

But mainly, I would say you should do what will be most helpful to you. If it will cause you any feelings of embarrassment or shame, I would say go the no-send letter route, post to just yourself (it is sometimes satisfying to see the words and know that you are getting to the heart of things) or maybe, as I saw in Livelifenow's post, write an e-mail and save it to drafts without sending it. And of course you can do the venting here, PM someone or do it in therapy or with trusted friends (I try to limit that so I can spend time doing more enjoyable things with them!!).

But sometimes when I have posted, people have come back and it sounds a lot more "horrible" to them than it felt (or feels) to me, which I find sort of interesting. Do I have a too high tolerance for crap from a guy? Possibly. And that is considering that when I am venting about that stuff, I am fairly well steamed up about it. Could you maybe need to just start really putting it out there, to yourself privately or to someone(s) and see, hear and feel that he has actually acted in some slimeball ways and yes, you might veer between guilt feelings and relief when you start to let out some of that, but I think that it will make it easier to do NC ... I got a REALLY nauseated stomach after putting some of the stuff on here and looking at it all, especially seeing how other people responded to it. ANd the sick stomach stayed around a while - I just wanted to throw up most of the time (and this wasn't so long ago). Now, finally, I just don't have much of an emotional reaction to him and it is ALWAYS him that calls or texts me. I know there is no point to my doing so (finally!) so I don't.

Also, have you read any of the articles on baggagereclaim.co.uk? There is a lot that might be helpful there, as the articles really hit home and go into some of the "why" we put up or keep doing some of the same; not judgmentally (my opinion) but because there is always a reason we do the things we do; often we don't know or expect any better, but once we learn there IS better, it's great to have some tips on how to get there and how to keep it going. There's an index of articles, so you can go to stuff that applies more to you as an individual and sort of springboard from there.

PS I just remembered, when re-reading your post, that part where you say, "he is afraid that I will go away for good", that when I started getting some of the garbage out into the real world instead of holding it all inside, it did tear me up to a certain extent, because I knew that he would hear of it and I realized that I was, maybe not the usual way, but for certain, putting an END to the "relationship", especially "as it was". That was VERY hard, because I would also think in my mind, "what if I am wrong?" "What if I misjudged him and he really does care?" I would feel panicky and I would indeed cry and sometimes wish I could take it back. But having at least gotten this far, I am glad not to still be stuck in "that" place anymore. I just wanted to share that because it was one of the hardest things I have done and I didn't know it was going to affect me like that. Hugs.

And what's the bad outcome of contact? Does it lead to more pain or abuse?

I'm really starting to believe that NC is the only way through this. I tried it his way, I gave in and let "hope" carry me through that if I just hung on long enough he would change his mind and be the man he said he was. It's clear that was never going to happen and I just don't want to hurt anymore so I went NC and then 7 weeks later I broke it when he called, I saw him and it was the most horrible encounter I ever had with him. For me contact lead to more pain and abuse then I could have ever imagined. Now, I still miss the man I thought I new and this entire thing really does suck. Mine left town, maybe yours will too, or maybe you could make a move, away.

It's been what? 9 months, do you think he will come back the way he was? It's like pet cometary, they don't come back the same.

I've also never made a list of all the crappy things my exN did to me. Does that work sometimes?

dadda, I have said things before to him about how horrible he is but he is very skilled at shifting the blame. I tried saying it in a nice way, in a mean way, through emails so it was non-confrontational. I think I just need to post here about some of the things that have happened so I can vent. Part of it is I'm ebarrassed about the way I let him treat me and I'm ashamed at how crazy I acted sometimes due to him. I talk to friends but I know they're getting sick of hearing it. And Dooji is right, contact usually leads to more pain.

I'm not sure what you mean Kass by it being nine months and do I think he will come back the way he was. I think I might have been on here about nine months but I've been with him for three years and this shit was going on long before I joined here. I know in my head things won't be good if I contacted him but if my head matched my heart I wouldn't be here. Mine won't move away. He has a job here he's been at for 25 years, two kids and all of his family is here. I can't move away because my Dad and Grandma's health both aren't the greatest and I refuse to let him drive me away from them. I know I would regret it later.

I'm sorry I thought you two had been broken up 9 months. Are you back together? This was me thinking you're holding on to the memory of post break up before things got bad. I didn't know you were still with him.

Making a list really helped me especially in the first few months of NC when I still didn't trust myself to stay committed to NC. I had a hard time starting the list. Some kind of mental block. Then I decided to make a list of all the things he did and some of the astounding things he said to me such as "Is it my fault I cheated or is it your fault for going away for the weekend?" Sometimes when I missed him so bad and re-reading the list didn't help I'd try to read the list through someone else's eyes like my best friend or counselor and think about what they would think or say. I still add to the list when I remember something else that just makes me shake my head. It was a very useful tool for me.

We aren't together now. We were together a couple a months ago and he ended things again. Basically I fell for it again. It's hard because he will text me sometimes and I will text him sometimes, that's why I was asking about no contact.

What came to mind when reading your post is that you might respond to his texts because somehow, you are learning to trust yourself. Learning what responses within you can trust and which ones you can recognize as being neurotic. That would be a reasonable part of a healing process. We need to know ourselves. When we've been taught to hide our feelings as children, and we grow up not knowing our own feelings, we may choose relationships that hurt so we can get to know ourselves. And that inching away from a relationship ... and the going back behaviors, can be us looking for clarity, within ourselves. If he sends a text of 'hi', that looks innocent enough, you may feel like a fool by ignoring something so harmless, until you respond enough and feel bad enough that you learn that some people just don't have good intentions. (Which is hard to absorb for some of us.) You'll get to your 'no contact' point when having contact feels worse than ignoring him.

I'm speaking to you intuitively ... hope it resonates.

I don't want to be that woman any more. The one who texts him back; at some point he would always just STOP. In other words, you get the stonewall texting, too! I know that if he is bored or has nothing better to do, he will waste the time toying with me in texts ... but he WILL shut it down and nothing I would then text would get a response - nothing. And if he is doing something, I will be ignored anyway. It just feels better not to be ignored or stonewalled, even through text.

I think the clarity thing is right, too. I kept searching out whether my new knowledge was accurate, whether I could trust the people who were basically putting a "death sentence" on my marriage. I think I was under the impression for a while if I found a new way of handling things, I could regain "control". As to having an idea of what happens when I do this, and that and so on. But then, what kind of "relationship" is that, when you have to control yourself, stifle your genuine responses and self and seek out new methods of - not just doing - but being. It's making me wonder whether it's more work to keep on with N or just go through the pain and discomfort of looking at ourself and making the changes that we know are likely to make life more satisfying.

There is an article here on NC: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/no-contact-why-you-need-to-keep-your-proverbial-door-closed-even-when-they-try-to-break-it-down-by-any-means-necessary/

I also read this one, addressing the "thinking about him" stuff: http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/you-cant-erase-an-ex-from-your-mind-but-you-can-reduce-their-power-and-keep-pushing-forward/

And I do agree that taking the high road,not publicizing is the "best". 20 months into divorce though, and it has become painfully apparent that he is punishing me for not giving him his way when he demanded I leave, with nothing. So he is trying to intentionally bankrupt me. And the next best thing to ignoring is bursting their Mr. Perfect bubble in the world where their superficial ways are usually accepted without question. But if I had my druthers, I'd have been "in my own life" a good 14 months ago. And I am guessing he knows that AND I'd be fine without him. So I am sort of hostage, as leaving before settlement merely cost me grievously, both financially and legally. But hoping to forget him and just concentrating on GETTING OUT of this disaster. Hopefully that will keep me busy enough and productively so that I can go back to ignoring him.

To Diecokelover and others tempted to communicate with their Ns.

NO CONTACT is the best way to break the cycle.

Emailing, Face Book, phone calls, and/or associating with him in some way only seves to keep you linked with your abuser. Face Book is a double-wammy trap because you are then inviting others into the game to take sides or help fuel the arguements, gossip, and pain.

Calling him names is pointless as he will not agree that they are apt. It many cases resorting to calling names or blaming him simply mirrors his behavior towards you . . . never mind that your behavior may be justified, it still keeps the destructive pattern going.

As others have said, write a list, an email, or a letter that allows you to quanitfiy your grieveances but do not send it. The only way to win is to take your marbles and go home. Staying in the game by bantering back and forth only escalates the pain and keeps you tied to him.

No contact. Save yourself. It will hurt but it will work in time. Hugs.

Yes taking the high road is best, I took the low road when I called my ex names and voiced my hurts on Facebook. I'm completely out of his life now because of my low road behavior.

I agree with jmandy. Kassy, good work. I hope it is beginning to feel like a huge weight has lifted off your shoulders. Courage.