Narcissist Trauma Survival and Recovery Community Group
Support for those anyone who is or has been in a relationship with a narcissist. Together we are much stronger than any of us would be alone. A place for non-judgemental mutial support, advice, and comfort.
I am having odd feelings about my progress. A little bit more of my story.... Even though I have been successful at not responding to any of his attempts at contact (5 months now) I was very slow to stop asking for information. I was addicted to it. I'm in a situation where i moved to my current town to be with him (my parents live here also) so everyone I know is connected to my exN. My brother is his best friend, one of my best friends is his sis-in-law and my other best friend is his neighbor. My mother works for his mother. So even though I removed myself from him physically the mental part was tricky. I would ask everyone questions and would get very upset when I thought they were withholding info even though I know they were trying to protect me from myself. Anyway, lately I have gotten closer to not caring what he is doing. Yesterday my friend that is his neighbor came over for a few hours and when she left I realized I didn't ask one question, I didn't even think about it. Then I started to panic. Am I really letting go? Could this be? It made me sad somehow. I have been appreciating my progress lately but having a slight setback. I feel like something inside is trying to hold on to him. I've been thinking about the good times even though the bad times and insecurity and choas far out weighed the good times. It's making me wonder if the progess I've been feeling has been real or if I've just been distracted with my daughter's graduation, etc. Now that things are calming down i don't want to regress. Today I had to restrain myself not to ask questions again. is this normal? Has anyone else experienced these feelings?
It is wonderful that you spent that day not even thinking about asking...Even if it was only because you are busy with your own life it is a healthy step toward letting go and healing. As you focus on what you want and things in your own life what he does is of little importance. And good on you that you restrained yourself and did not ask questions again.
I agree that even if you are just busy, there is a lot of truth to the concept of "faking it until you make it" - the more you are distracted, the more normal and natural it will become to just be you and thoughts from the past just naturally get less and less.
Also, I agree with olderandwiser...trying to figure out if he was a prince or not.
Don't know.
Is there anyway you can get away from these people?
I am on year 3 and just within the last few months, the x-N's brother contacted me about helping him write a paper, followed shortly by the x-N trying to contact me with a "business idea". Haven't heard from him in about a year before that....
After the cold, brutal discard and the amazing amount of time, I didn't really believe that they usually come back, but certainly have found it to be true.
So, is there any way to get away from these people? Yes, you step away, find yourself, your ground and then you stand it. I ignored the above. Yes, it triggered feelings. Yes, I was astounded that someone could call me for any reason after all that happened, all the pain, tears, struggle and simply act like nothing at all had ever occurred, but that's just what they tend to do....
I accepted his pathology and that it had no place in my life, took a moment to process my own triggers and feelings, then I took the next step forward.
I think sometimes, just that one next step forward is all you can do.....
RANIAGALE: I'm working on "Faking it until I make it" I just want it to be real NOW! So tired of this having a hold on me. But it is what it is and I'm closer to making it than I have been in 10 years.
I think I was so wrapped around him and all the investigating I had to do to make sure he wasn't lieing and cheating and making a fool out of me. I checked his phone, bank accounts, e-mail accounts. I didn't know what to do with myself when I cut myself off from all of that. I believe deep in my soul I am still connected to the illusion I had in the beginning. I still miss that part. I'm grateful for this board. It's nice to chat with people who "get it" and don't think I should have just moved on and forgotten about all this. My family and friends mean well but they truly don't understand what I have gone through and the after effects. It's very refreshing and helpful to hear from others who totally understand and don't judge. THANK YOU :)
The familiar with the N or memories of him, no matter how bad it may be, can seem safer or less scarey than the unknown without the N in our life. Such thinking is a trap.
Congratulations, ladies, on taking one further forward on the path to peace and happiness by understanding this concept.
I was away for two months, felt great, went back. I hadn't realized that I felt great BECAUSE I WAS AWAY FROM HIM.
Sometimes, we need reminders. Writing stuff down provides a good reminder.
Then there is the addiction to our body's own chemicals. Being the investigator brings us to another part of us ... that's the part I'd look at. When we are in 'self-love' mode, digging for evidence that we can/can't trust them feels bad, not good. My thought is that really getting into taking care of you, in a real way, may help neutralize any pull toward wanting that insanity back.
And for me, there are no "Shoulds". As the saying goes "Don't should on me." I avoid that type of thinking/those well-meaning people. Self-care, self-love, self-nurturing, self-awareness ... enough of this and they lose their power over us.
Our shadow self/dark side can enjoy the ugly parts of these relationships. I embrace my shadow, don't beat myself up, and decide that I want something that feels healthy. Baby steps.
xo
What a difficult situation . . . to have so such an interconnected web that leads back to your N. I am glad to hear that you were able to avoid asking questions during your visit with your friend. I hope you find that easier each day. What a challenge you have to face in so many aspects of your life and circumstances!!!! Hugs.
Has he ever made you feel as if he might endanger you? If so, that might be a valid reason for feeling as if you "need to know" what he is up to. If that isn't the case, it's most likely your progress is real and now, you are just "breaking the habit" of him. I've had that panicky feeling at times giving up other things besides a N, it probably has something to do with the comfort and soothing we get from carrying out our routine. As you mentioned how maybe graduation had been a possible distraction. I know it's pretty normal to still have fluctuations back and forth for a while. If you just do the very best you can for today, don't beat yourself up if today gets a bit screwed up, just use the thought and memory of it not being what you want or need when tomorrow is today and you start fresh. And if distractions help for the time, figure out some things you can work on that will take up plenty of mental energy and give you some added benefit at the same time!
I think it might be easier where there would not be so many reminders, but it is commendable what you have so far achieved despite their presence!