Hey IDonna. My father is a narcissist and when he used to show me any scrap of attention, my imagination would go wild and believe that he really loves me and that he will show me love now. Yeah, never happened. So I changed my expectations of our relationship. I rely on him for NOTHING that keeps me happy in life. I depend on nothing from him and expect nothing in return except for little digs which have stopped now that I do not give them power. When I see him, it's a nice visit then I go back to my life. It is very superficial, it's not what I want, it is what is reality. I accept him for who he really is and I don't set myself up for any dashed hopes anymore.

No contact works. If she calls you, it's up to you to agree to pick up the phone or say yes or no. You don't have to say yes. If she's not getting her needs met by you, she will find someone else and then try to make you feel guilty about it. Be strong and she can take of herself, hasn't always been all about her? Why would that change?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh and cold, but I've been burned too many times and have emotionially cocooned myself from this hurt.

Hello iDonna,

I did it. It was a difficult decision to make, until my son was effected and I could allow him to be put through what I was. My mother has cancer and I'm sure she blames me. She hung up on me last summer, she was supposed to help me with my son, never showed, never called until months later. The next time, I called her, that was probably 8 mths later to say Happy Mothers DAy! I kept it short but listened to her complaints, she hasn't called back since. I think about her from time to time, but over all it has made me realize how little she gave me that her absence has not left a gaping hole in my life...it's almost unnoticeable. I say, save yourself!

I went no contact with my Nmom for 15 years. I know that seems
extreme but she was horribly abusive and was unrelenting about
it. When she died of a stroke, sadly all I felt was relief.
No contact helped me to avoid the constant psychological warfare
and thanks to the distance, I found a way to forgive her and let go
(somewhat) of my past.

I have gone NC with my father several times; being belittled, told that I shouldn't think for myself, etc or just lambasted for being imperfect rubbed me raw. I had to for the ability to actually think and do things in a logical fashion. I guess I was fortunate as he has mellowed over the years and after several hard knocks from life apparently helped him see realities in a different fashion.

I think you have to make the decision so that YOU can live with however it comes out, but I think often times people appeal to "blood" when that is merely the roll of the dice. In adulthood, we CHOOSE our friends and companions and honestly, there are relatives I don't agree with and we don't "hang out". Nor do we make each other miserable. But that is me and I know I won't feel sad about it later ... I think you really have to decide what you can and can't deal with, make the best decision for you and also, accept it won't be "perfect" no matter what ... be gentle with yourself. It's a rough situation to be in.

You can also do some sort of modified NC; if the relationship - dealing with her on a personal level - is making you ill, sounds like you do need space. Maybe you would be comfortable sending a note or card at times? That way, too, you leave the door open for her to respond in a positive fashion. It would maybe be a way to honor your own boundaries (and need to look after your health) yet also honor the hope and wish for a positive change. And you would never have to wonder later, the "what if" stuff.

I think I too would WANT the relationship to end having some positive memories, but I already went through being very sick d/t husband & his relatives and have made every effort ... I wouldn't feel guilty at this point (and don't) for no longer trying. But when I heard MIL broke both her femurs while we were divorced, I thought how horrible that must have been, took a card and candy to the nursing home but did not visit her. Just dropped everything with the nurse. But now as her son is divorcing and turning our daughter's world upside down again, etc, etc, I don't see her as a mother or even a sensible woman ... it's all different. You know yours, so you can make the best decision for the circumstances. I think the healing comes from honoring what you KNOW to be the truth, making YOUR best decision and going with it. In other words, you are not letting her or other relatives or internal feelings/nostalgia dictate you into doing what makes you sick, nor do you "use" NC to manipulate your mother ... you look at the situation, evaluate it realistically and make the decision that fits.

I have a 'normal' set of parents. However, I do have a cousin that is an N (recently identified by me) and bipolar and has tons of kid drama even though he is in his 30's now. Anyway, after break up with NH he and I were chatting, first normal conversation in years.. I thought. finally the right meds. he may be normal.. Nope, still when in his moods he can bring up mistakes I made when I was 10 and rub them in my face. He also told me he knew I would play dirty when I finally left the N, as he knew in advance that I was just using the man...

Anyway, now going to family events really depends on if he is there or not. I don't want to be around it, nor do I want my kids around it. They have enough to deal with dad. My dad asked me why I wasn't at an event, as cousin was asking where I was and he brought up a story, that I had forgotten from when I messed up at the age of 17. I laughed and told my dad 'yea, he is better than I am of remembering every time i messed up in all of my life, so glad he is perfect." and dad got it. Next event, he was not invited (which means my aunt, uncle, and other cousin was not there) but the kids and I were and we had a blast.

Really, you are an adult and family is who you make it. Take care of you.

Thanks everyone.

I don't know if this helps but I had to get away from mother for several years.

I kept thinking that maybe if I had done this or that, she would like me and I felt tremendous guilt when I dropped out of her life for 2-3 years.

Then, I started to visit her from time to time, wine and dine her, half kill myself driving her around San Francisco going to special places and then she pulled this attitude - no smiles - no laughter - no fun together. Never thanked me. Just said "you'd better not make me look bad" (to the relatives I presume). She had already decided that I was a traitor and could make her look bad to the relatives she had to share money with and she could really care less about me.

Anyway, I did all I could to help her and visit before she died of lung cancer but she was reluctant to even give me the same amount of money she was giving to my other siblings and I knew it and didn't worry about it.

My shrink knew the whole story early on and wanted me to stop seeing her 13 years earlier but I just felt too guilty to let go permanently. Later, I realized he was right but her rejection didn't hurt anymore.

She just didn't love me and that was that.

Before my mother died, she came to me to tell me she had cancer and was sorry for her treatment of me and my siblings . . . she was a believer and said she had to "get right with God" before it was too late. Well, I told her that she had never been a mother to me and could not just suddenly be one now. I told her i would try to let her be my friend. We lived in separate states but visited back and forth during her remaining years. She was good company . . . shopping, doing jigsaw puzzles, commenting on TV shows . . . light entertainment. Anyway, on my last visit to her, we had lunch with one of my nieces (her 10-year-old granddaughter) and when the girl went to the bathroom, my mother out of the blue said, "I can't stand that girl. I don't even want to be around her." NOw the child and been good, quiet, and no bother at all. I asked my mother what happened to her new-found Christian values and where did this attitude about a child fit in. She said she knew it was wrong but could not help herself. I tell this story to show you that a) mean or evil people rarely change and b) you do not have to have them in your life. For me, respect is earned and she did not earn it. I cut her off again. Just because she was slowly dying did not earn my respect and as her behavior was so cruel to an innocent child, i did not choose to have her in my life. The choice is yours. Giving birth does not make you a mother, nor a parent . . . . it simply means you gave birth. Caring for the infant, nurturing the child, and guiding it to be a productive, happy, and well-rounded, adult with morals and empathy make you both a parent and a Mother.

I am still in contact with my mother. She is so mean. I can't take it anymore. I really don't think she cares if we
have a relationship or not. She tells so many lies I can't believe anything she tells me.I think i am just someone
to take her anger out on.

THen, IDonna, you should seriously consider cutting her out of your life. If you get nothing positive from the relationship and only get pain and disappointment . . . calling an end to the relationship is self-protection. Don't feel guilty about making that move if you choose to do so. I cut mine out of my life early, then let her back in in a limited way only to cut her out again when her behavior did not change. I have never looked back. I hope you protect your fragile ego and thus allow it to grow and blossom. Hugs.

Quepasa. Thank you for your comments and wisdom. Yes. Somebody gave birth but it doesn't mean that person is a mother.

iDonna. Will it be hard to get away from your Mom? Does she live close by? Is she liable to get more aggressive once she knows that you are moving on emotionally?

It is really difficult to deal with people who lie all of the time.

Quepasa I didn't have contact with my mother for 2 years. I let her back in my life. She hasn't changed if anything she acts worst. I look forward to having peace in my life again. Thanks. Sending you lots of hugs

Happynow123. It won't be hard to get away from my mother I live 2 hours away from her.She may be more aggressive as she is very jealous of my husband's family. We will continue to go visit his family. They live in the same town as my mother. I know she doesn't like the boundaries I have set. Thanks for replying.
Sending you lots of hugs








We will still

Thank you IDonna for the hugs.

I sure hope you can live the peaceful life you need and deserve. Somebody said once that going through life is like driving a car with people in it. If you've got somebody causing trouble, you can't keep your eye on the road. Or, worse, if you have somebody throwing spit balls at you while you're trying to drive, it's best to stop the car, tell them to get out and go on your way. No hatred, no nothing like that. It's just that you can't live like this and it's ruining everybody your family's trip too.

I really like your comparison. I feel no hatred toward my mother. I really would like things to be different but have accepted it is what it is.It has been a few days since I talked to my mother. I can't believe how much more energy I have. I really have enjoyed not talking to her. I feel so free. Our next visit we will not be stopping at mother's house.