I understand how you're feeling. What you want doesn't really matter. Your opinion is asked to be polite or go fishing, but at the end of the day it's really what the N wants to do.

When I first came across articles about NPD parents and had my OMG moment, I was so relieved that I can finally explain the abuse done to me in my childhood by my NDad. The most important trait detailed to me that made me realize that this is IT was when it was explained that:

N's have no boundaries with other people. They do not see people as separate from themselves but as an extension of themselves. Family members to a N are like an appendage and are expected to operate from their will instead of being a separate individual. So like your mind tells you to wiggle your finger, the N expects everyone to respond to their thoughts/wishes.

As well, I've come across this article about N's and control that I found very true.
Here's the link: http://www.thenarcissisticpersonality.com/narcissist-control-validate/

Because I avoided romantic relationships until I worked on myself, I attracted into my life many N friends to work on the wounded parts. I know women N's are out there and are just as many as men N's, we call them "princesses."

escape, from what I am reading, narcissism can be part of male borderline personality disorder. I found an interesting web article. I don't know if it was from a forum here, or if it was one of those times I was looking at Google for something about divorcing a narcissist, but it talks about narcissism being part of borderline personality disorder. http://www.sharischreiber.com/casanova.html

Spirit, I have taken many psychology courses and this stuff still perplexes me! It is so very different when you're living with the turmoil people with these disorders cause. There is so much trauma behind these personality disorders, but they won't get help for themselves and that is so frustrating.

Samesame, yes, it all does sound way too familiar. With him, he'd point his finger aggressively, "You, you, you," he'd shout. The first night it got physical, I happened to have the phone in hand. He had brought home divorce papers which were filled out. So I tried discussing and he decided to stonewall, but I wasn't "having" that. He got mad because I wasn't leaving him alone to sleep and he got up and got into bed with our 5 and 6 year old daughters. I still find that HIGHLY inappropriate, in terms of response to adult problem. I shouted and he picked me up and tried to shove me out of house. I had dialed 911 and when he gave up and went back into bedroom, I knew the shouting was heard because the dispatcher asked if I wanted to go to a shelter. I knew nothing of DV and said "no". I told him he had gone back to bed and it should be fine now--- the phone went dead. Apparently N heard me and disconnected the base. When they called back, I heard him tell them I was "psycho" (I was in therapy for symptoms of burnout). I went into shock from all the events that evening. When officers came, I was not able to relate what happened. Also, he had hidden the divorce papers. I found them under a heavy piece of furniture later. The only thing going through my mind was how "tacky" our living room must look to the police. I later learned (after getting reports and figuring out how to decipher) that I was deemed "the offender".

He used to question me like a prosecuting attorney. He knew I don't normally lie and often, I had a hard time not providing answers, even though some of the questions were none of his business.

I had the weird experience in past (he has diabetes) of waking up in the middle of the night and running into the kitchen and stuffing my mouth full of sweets. It made me wonder if these were like "sympathy pains" or maybe he was shooting me with insulin. I have sleep disorder symptoms, so it is hard to know. I do know that in past, I was convinced he wanted me dead ... I even tried to figure out a way that it would look like I was dead (I didn't want to be) so I could have some peace and a chance to think ...

Thanks to him and his mother, I was misdiagnosed with a mental illness I didn't have. I had started to do better in therapy and that seems to have been what set everything off ... I had been put on prescription medication (controlled) that brought my thoughts back into focus and allowed me to be assertive again. They told everyone (including me) I was a drug abuser and so on. I still have physical pain, sometimes severe, from toxic neuropathy (St. John's wort) for having to take all sorts of treatment for stuff I didn't have. Got to pay for treatment, too.

It sort of interests me that a person can be charged with a crime "inciting panic" for shouting "fire" in a theater or "bomb" on a plane, but when they know we are subject to panic attacks (from their treatment) there is "nothing wrong" with that. And that is where I finally realized that, coward as he is, he would never pull the trigger on the gun he got out, loaded and pointed at me (unless he could have made it self-defense) because he might go to prison. But he could (and did) deliberately do things to cause me panic attacks and that could have resulted in my death. Same with our daughters. And yet, if I shot him full of his insulin, I'm pretty sure I could be (would) charged with a crime.

With the projective identification, I've learned that sometimes, the (especially) foreign thoughts or emotional experiences we have are actually not "ours". We have picked up and incorporated theirs ... scary.

my SO is NPD/BPD. He rages, throws things, will berate me for HOURS (not anymore I walk away), and every now and then he bangs his head off of the door jams. WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND DOES THAT?!? I am embarrassed to even tell that! He got physical once and I ended up in the hospital. I filed a restraining order and told him there would be no next time and I would have him committed instead of put in jail. He hasn't been physical since, but I know not to trust that.

Escape, yes, I believe my exN suffers from paranoia. However, I don't think he is schizophrenic. I've worked with schizophrenics as a case worker and crisis counsellor, and in my experience they were a sight easier to work with then clients with personality disorders (understanding that these conditions overlap) I also think it is key that my exN is a substance abuser, which increased all aspects of his dysfunction.
But yes, paranoid all the way. I must repeat, the revelation regarding psychosis, and the inability to consciously change narrative within a psychosis is key. My N changed narratives on cue if they got any hint of me not buying into their pumped up psychotic rage. It didn't mean they 'snapped out of it', more that they snapped into a different strategy, this is NOT an available option for anyone experiencing a true psychosis.
And to add to the growing list here of 'memories'. I remembered a night when I was feeling very sick and my N stuck to true form, initially asking what I needed and being very attentive in a performative way. He always did this, performed what he considered appropriate. Having been through this before with him, and realising that he would soon start to majorly resent being helpful and get pissed off with acting supportive and sensitive, I asked him to please just enjoy his evening, as I am sure this I am experiencing a 24hr bug, and I'll just watch TV and wait for it to pass, I said 'just try and ignore me'. Of course this would have usually been no big deal for him, however on request it was an opportunity for him to refuse.
He went out, but only to surrounding neighbour houses, drinking, coming in back and forth checking on me, getting more mad and angry, murmuring under his breath. I desperately tried to ignore him because I could feel my sickness getting worse, and I didn't have the strength for any conflict, but he was not having this. I even started to draw, because I sensed his disapproval of me watching TV. I'm a very good artist, and after he initially looked on in admiration, it gave him the key to start, and start big time! He criticised me for being a 'smart arse' for being a good illustrator, he also accused me of not being sick because I was drawing, he went back out for a bit, then came back, by this time I was really sick, more so because I was anxious about him coming back into the home. I was weighing up whether or not i would be able to drive myself to the hospital. He then came back and turned the TV (which he often controlled) onto a doco about sex workers, and told me I had to watch it because it was about 'filthy sluts' like me'. I ignored him until it subsided, then told him I was going up the street to an all night chemist to see if I could get something for my stomach. I though maybe he'd be gone or calm down when I returned. When I returned, he was out, but then arrived back after about 30mins. He then accused me of going to one of my other 'lovers', amongst many other disgusting things that I apparently had done in this short absence. Then he asked me for my phone so he could check everything on it. He asked me why I didn't have it turned on? to which I replied, I do not have my phone turned on because there is no chance for me talk with anyone while this crazy shit is happening in my life! Well, he went on and on repeatedly 'TURN ON YOUR PHONE' over and over, calling me a slut, whore, liar, and many things that apply more to his character. By this point my illness had taken a turn for the worse, I had to get to a hospital. He did not care, didn't give a damn, while I was hunched over the toilet vomiting he was yelling at me to turn on my phone!
I got myself to the hospital, and they put me on a heart monitor because my heart had become irregular from the combination of being sick, and basically being tortured at the same time. I had to have my heart shocked in order for it to return to it's normal rhythm. He didn't turn up to the hospital, I was there for 3 days, when I got back he asked me where I had been? and became hostile again telling me that I should have called him, even though the hospital had tried, and he was not contactable.
I do think my N had many other personality disorders, and maybe is an 'uber' version of them all at times. I do think that much of my time was looking at a horrendous car crash in complete horrified shock!

Driving - I guess I will give the craziest example. If I am driving and we are going to the grocery store, if I missed getting a close open parking space she will literally get pissed off, like I am an idiot. Then I will (I guess wisely) ask where she wants me to now park. If we have a problem finding a closer spot now, this is a mood setter for her for the whole shopping experience. Conversely, if she is driving, she will literally spend several minutes circling down each parking isle until she finds a close one, then if someone grabs a close one she finally found, she will get verbally pissed off at that car saying "that was my fucking spot". Instead of grabbing the first spot no matter how far away it was, which 9 times out of 10 would have been a time saver.

Before I figured out she was a narc, early on in our marriage, we had our then infants in the car trying to get to a cousins graduation in the rain. I was driving. This same scenario played out and I got so upset that I literally stopped the car, left it running, looked at her and said "IF YOU CAN DO BETTER, THEN YOU DRIVE" and under her protest I got out, got soaked and went to her side of the car until she finally crossed over. It scared the crap out of the kids.

She gets really mad if we are going somewhere and don't have directions, especially if she was responsible for knowing where we are supposed to go. When completely lost, and I am typically finding it very funny (when it is her fault) she will suddenly say to turn left, like she knows this is the way. Really she has no clue but has a 50/50 shot at being right. If she is wrong, somehow I am brought into this for leading us in the wrong direction. And I have given up on stopping and asking for directions because to her this shows that we are "stupid" people, even though the person we are asking who will know the directions, and not care, will never judge us or ever see us again.

I learned that if she has me go to the grocery store, that I write everything down. I got tired of coming back and her telling me I forgot something that she never told me to get. Now, I bring the list back with me so when she says "You forgot x,y, or z", I pull the list and show her it was not on the list. Her typical response will be something like "Well how do you expect me to cook this dish without this item?" like now I am a dumbass for implying that I know what ingredients she needs. Once again, it is my fault. When I return to the store to get the missing ingredient, if in any way something is wrong with dinner for our guests, it was because "she did not have what was needed ON TIME to make the dish on time". It is just crazy.

If she is driving and makes a wrong turn, she gets REALLy pissed off. I learned a long time ago that this is simply because she thinks other people are IDIOTS for missing turns or simply screwing up. Really no one gives a shit. But she thinks her screwing up is viewed by others, even me, as her being an idiot. It is simply a projection of her insecurities onto others to mask her own issues.

If I cut myself in the kitchen prepping food, she will get upset, like "there you go again" implying and thinking that I am looking for attention. But if she cuts herself, she either gets really pissed off for being so stupid, or it is the injury of the century requiring full attention of all present in the kitchen.

I have bad Cedar Allergies. They happen from December to February. Verified by skin prick testing by an allergist. In fact, I am allergic in some way to all grasses, mold, but most affected by Cedar. TO THIS DAY she thinks that my allergic symptoms when they are bad (red watery itchy eyes, sneezing, clogged sinuses) are simply psychosematic. ie, I cause them to happen and they otherwise would not have an affect on me. If I am sick, or have a cold (which I never complain about) she will ask what's wrong? I will say nothing. She will then say "TRUST ME, YOU JUST HAVE ALLERGIES, YOU ARE NOT SICK". lol. God forbid I am really sick. Now I would be looking for sympathy and being a martyr. HOWEVER, if she is sick, she will be bedridden, it will be illness of the century, she will whine and moan like she is going to die, and expects attention like someone about to die.

If I or the kids are down, her attitude is "Buck up soldier, and appreciate the good things in your life, don't be ungrateful, you think you are the only one with issues?" Yet when she is down, there are a list of reasons why she has been victimized and allowed to wallow in her own misery and be supported by me and others.

SOUND FAMILIAR? LOL. That was kind of fun.

@Samesame: I thought I had gotten the "uber version" LOL!