Narcissism Community Group

For those learning about or recovering from narcissistic abuse.

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openfacedsandwich 02/07/2018

Hi -- haven't posted in quite a while but eager for some feedback now. I'm divorced from a guy with various personality disorders, narcissism figuring in prominently. I'm sure I have PTSD from it, and that stems back to my Dad's rage at any opinion that confronted him.

I now serve as (paid) Music Director in a church led by a minister with a checkered past. I'm not a member there. In the time that I stay at this job (which is very attractive in some ways but I don't know how long I can tolerate it), what suggestions do you have so I can keep myself from being triggered? It won't be helpful or appropriate for me to share my experience with the members of the church.

In a recent meeting with him I noticed the effects on me. I'm freezing up and outwardly playing the suffering victim instead of calling him on his lies, half-truths and back pedalling. He's very smooth -- it would be his word against mine (recalling unwitnessed conversations) and I've no doubt that he needs to emerge the winner.

I'm being triggered by the memory of crazy-making arguments with my ex and his terrifying temper. My adrenaline on the inside doesn't seem to know the difference. But when I cower with the Minister (who is charismatic and who I would want to admire), I'm falling into a temporary denial and later on I feel pretty bad about it with so much left unsaid -- that I'd rehearsed on my own in the car.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

friendinjesus 02/15/2018

Yikes! That's a pickle! Chances are, other people in the church are sick to death of listening to the stuff this 'spiritual leader' is shoveling. If you can find someone else in the workplace that you feel comfortable speaking with, you could open a conversation with "Hey, did you notice that what he said didn't add up...?" However, I understand that you can't really open up to anyone there at the church. Can you work it so that you get witnesses in the room when you're speaking with this man? It's one of the only ways to protect yourself. If you have to, tell him you sometimes forget things and need to record conversations on your phone. That may sound paranoid, but I've had to document everything that happens with my birth family when I can't avoid contact with them because they will stop at nothing to destroy me. I understand your falling back into old patterns because I didn't break free from my responses to my narcissist mother until I was in my 50s. I also wouldn't advise falling back into denial. I've been terrorized by so many abusers in my life that I always stay vigilant with liars because I know they're already lying about me behind my back and will have no moral boundaries in any of their dealings with me.

Other than that (which I know isn't very helpful), you need to pray for and look for a solution (like another job). Until the day when you're free and healed enough to manage these kinds of people (and this day will come!), you should probably avoid situations that trigger memories/responses that make you feel disappointed in yourself. Think about what you've survived and how powerful that proves you are! You have the truth behind you and this joker has only his illusions.

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