My dads not my dad Community Group
I am reaching out to anyone who has discovered as an adult that their dad isn't their biological dad. Know as mis-attributed paternity. With the advent of DNA testing for historical ancestry purposes there are people finding out very uncomfortable truths when they least expect it. I am one of those people. Bringing with it a wave of confusion, questions and a dilemma of...
I am thinking this is going to get really big in the next decade, apparently Ancestry DNA tests were hugely popular family Christmas presents this year.
On finding out the shocking news that my dad isnt my dad and someone else is I was hit by a wave of confusion, questions and worry about who to tell and not tell. I am in my 50's, this all happened back in the 60's, neither dad knows as far as I know, both are still alive. My mum is dead. My brothers and sisters don't know. I have been doing well dealing with it, a few close friends have been very helpful and I am feeling strong most of the time. I am wondering if I might be going to hit a brick wall of emotion at some point? If I don't talk about it for a day or two I start to feel down (nothing has changed on the outside, but everything has changed in reality). I am waiting for my biological father to be told, but that isnt in my control. I am anxious about them not telling him or if they do his reaction and then the impact on me of his reaction if it's negative.
I feel like I am carrying a secret that needs screaming from the rooftops so everyone knows, but I would hurt my dad if I did, he is the hero in all of this. There is next to nothing on line about this.
Same here. A couple of years ago, at age 50, I took a test from 23andme. I had long suspected something didn't add up. My Dad is a blue-eyed Norweigan and my mother is Irish. How did I end up with brown eyes, olive skin and dark, curly hair? So, I took the test. In 7 weeks, I learned that I was not the 'throwback' to an anonymous Cherokee ancestor on her side. My matches had surnames like Vargas, Fallas, Romero. Also, my heritage results did not add up. My results showed Iberian / Native American / Sub-Saharan African. After a bit of digging, I discovered who I actually was. I am Costa Rican / Jamaican on my paternal side.
My mother disowned me and my sons rather than admit the truth that I was the result of a one-night stand from cheating on her boyfriend (my Dad). It also doesn't help that she and her family are particulary racist, so I have walked away from nearly all of that family rather than take the abuse. I found my bio-family and I am learning about my new culture and identity. I won't sugar-coat it. It's brutally difficult. It's a lot to deal with.
I have met people like us. It is a shock to your system. It sounds like you have discovered the other part of it. We need to decide who to protect from the shock of this (like siblings). We need to decide if we wish to keep it private or publically acknowledge it. You are probably struggling with the question of reaching out to your new family. I consider it the most raw form of an identity crisis. Except with us, we aren't deciding who we want to be! We are learning that we, at our most basic existence, are not who we thought we were.
Like you. I tried to find support groups or books to read. There is nothing out there! I have had friends say I need to write a book... ok, maybe I will some day. But where can turn, at this present moment, to find out who we are and how to navigate it?
Have you decided if you want to find your bio-father?
thanks for making contact, I thought there was no one out there!
Reading your story confirms that each persons story is hugely personal and very different to each other, but with one common theme, that we have found out that we have been living a lie, with at least one person around us complicit and others in the family also being deceived. That is crazy that your mum is racist, mental when she was as intimate as you can possibly get with your biological dad! How is your Biological Dad, did he know about you at the time, did you have to tell him of your existence as his daughter (I am assuming you are a woman)?
My bio dad now knows, turns out he knew all along he had a child out there, my mum told him when she was a couple of months pregnant and said she was going to pass it (me) off as her husbands. They never saw each other again. Bio dad has been very courageous and admitted the lot, he has wanted to stand up and do the right thing by me, 56 years after the brief fling. He always knew I was out there somewhere, didn't know my name or gender. He has early stage altzeimers and a number of other serious health issues. His current wife is a real problem. For someone who is supposed to be a kind person she is showing zero empathy for me. She let me have 60 minutes (no longer) with him in a local coffee lounge, but won't enable me to see him again or invite me to the house. Every week that passes he is deteriorating and I am powerless.
I have many new siblings, some know of me, some are great, some are siding with their mum and wishing I would go away. The wife he had at the time doesn't know, the kids from that marriage don't know of me, he is reticent to tell them as it reflects very badly on him and his behaviour when he was married to their mum. I understand this and would probably wish/hope I could avoid telling them if it was me.
Getting to know a bit about him from the kind sisters and the brief meeting (plus he does email and call me from time to time) has helped put the pieces of the puzzle of who I am together, I can see him in me quite clearly. That bit amuses me, that I am like him in so many ways having never met him until late middle age!
I have written my book already, 14,000 words, apparently I need to get to 60k words to make it a proper book but I don't have much more to say. I don't want to write stuff for the sake of it just to get to a proper book length!
Positives that come out of the whole thing....
1. I have a stronger sense of being unique and special
2. Some things about me make more sense
3. I am closer to my kids as a result, they rallied round me
4. I can see what matters in life a bit more clearly
Thanks for sharing! x