Oh PaintWarrior........I do understand. I have a grown son that I have to love from a distance. He has "issues" and I have been his "whipping post" and he has been so verbally and emotionally abusive to me. He admitted to another family member that he plays emotional "games" with me. My husband put a stop to it and won't allow him to come to our home. We have a teenaged daughter who needs to have a calm home and all my energy needs to go to her now.....and she appreciates it and is loving. My son is almost 30 years old and should know better, but it has been like this since her was a teenager....one problem after another. He only calls me when he is in a panic over something or needs something. Never to check on me!!! Everything with him is an emergency and I cringe when I see his number come up on the Caller ID. So, I have limited contact with him. I have turned him over to God and pray for him.....which is the best thing I can do for him.

Yes, I understand your void and it is aweful. Every holiday hurts, because he is not involved. But then I have to remind myself of the emotional pain that he has brought and continues to bring to our family. Keeping him a distance is the only way that I can protect myself and my family from his verbal and emotional abuse. He only thinks of himself and his needs.

I am SO proud of you for going back to college!! What a great outlet for you to full full your passion and also meet people with the same interest. This surely will help with your depression. Please do things for YOU!!! Your focus has to be on taking care of your needs first, so that you can be the best "you" for your family and friends. As parents, many of us put our children first all the dang time. But when they are gown are almost grown, the focus has to change back to ourselves.

The best thing that you can do for your son is to be a role model for him by going back to college and persuing your dream. If you could put most of your mental energy into photography, it could really help you with your depression.

Take care!!

I'm very sorry for your troubles and wish you the best!

I'm proud that you have enrolled in the photography program! i pray that unleashing your creativity will bring other positive aspects to your life. It is a wonderful way to express yourself.

Enjoy & good shooting!

As a former Director of a college I applaud your decision to return to school. You setting a good example for others with disabilities. Know that you are doing a good thing for yourself. The positive feedback you will receive will definitely impact your life.

When your son sees how you are growing and learning and LIVING without him, perhaps he will view you in another light!

God Bless you and continue to do good things for yourself! You DESERVE them! We are always here to listen!

Marilyn

Hey Paint,
I just wrote you something and don't know where it went so if this is a double my bad.
I'll try to remember what I just wrote, I'm so sorry to hear that your having such a bad time with things and your son should've never touched his mom, Where is the Warrior part in you? I hope I see you come out swinging and your off to a great start by going to college. I think it is time for you to be selfish and make this all about you and no-one else, You need to show that you can and will make it by your self. I know you can and you know you can and we are all here to support you.
I wish and pray all the best for you
Good Luck
Dave

Yes! MSKC! The thing is! Regardless of how he's treated me I dont want to push him away or to see any harm come to him! I want to be able to speak to him like an adult! And, I want him to act like one!!! Instead he acts like a spoiled bratt 2 yr old but a grow abusive one! He put me in the ER several times! He tried to break my arm at the elbow! Tried to crush my hand at the same time! He took my rt hand & took both of his hands & crushed my hand with his, & held that hand with one of his while continueing to crush it & then grabed me with the other & ramed my arm backwards across a door jam! He tore all my muscles & ligaments from the top of my shoulder to the tips of my fingers! And, I had multiple contussions on my arm! It all showed up on the X-Ray!

He, right after that got me in a hold in our hallway & tried to break my neck! Told me on both that he was going to break them & called me BITCH!

Then, on the last attack he riped the phone off the wall & bashed me with it, shoved me down on top of one of my dog crates & was trying to force me down through the metal on the top of it! He picked me up off the floor by my hair, & then while holding me by it, then took me & shoved me down into the floor by it too!

And, I KNOW THAT HIS ACTIONS ARE ABUSIVE & INEXCUSABLE!!! AND, I DETEST THAT PART OF HIM!!!!! But, I also know that something terrible is wrong or going on with him, because he used to be such a sweet little boy! I mean, he had problems with attention, had LD's & was hyperactive & I had a ton of behavior issues in that area, but we were always close & we always stood together on things!

It's like he suddenly turned into somebody that I didn't even know or reconize anymore!!! I have learned sooo much about my son now that I didn't even know or have a clue about!? And, I keep thinking how in the hell did we live under the same roof for so long & be so close & me not even know all these things about him!?

I don't want to push him away!!! I don't want him to live with me again, with his abusive behavior!!! But, I don't want to be strangers with him forever either! I just worry sooo much about him!!! I am afraid that something bad will happen to him or to me either & that we won't be speaking!? And that one of could even die with us being total strangers & having never made up or let each other know how much we mean to each other! Well, I realize now that I don't mean jack shit to my own son!!! But he still does to me! I don't know how to turn that off or to forget that I have a son & that I am his mom! I just can't turn that off!

However!? I do have to find a way to survive & live in between! I have made it a little over a year w/o him now!!! And, I am still here & still standing!!! I started going to a college right down the street! But, then after a couple of terms--where I made B+ & A's I might add, they waited for me to register for another term & then did me real dirty!!!

So, that's when I decided to follow my original path of trying to be a photographer! I mean, I guess I already am one, but I'm not a professonal! All things happen for a reason I guess!? And, if that happening, opens the door & makes me finally follow my biggest love & dream of doing great photography for a living & making some acutal money to live on while loving what I do, well, then, that's alright with me! Maybe all this happen to put me on the path that I was originally intended to go!?

When I was in high school they had a photo.. program & I had my heart set on it, but my parents told me how stupid that was & how stupid I was for thinking about it in the 1st place! But, I didn't let go of it altogether!? And, I got just enough graduation money to buy myself a nice Minolta 35mm SLR! I took a lot of great pics with it!

Then, at another college a long time ago I took a photo... class, & I did great!!! I made a perfect A!!! And, my teacher said that i had a great eye for it! And, since then it's always been in the back of my mind!

And, since I have all these disabilities & can't seem to find a job anymore & have such a difficult time this could a great time to pursue this again!

For me! I want to go deep with my photo.. I want to photograph things that are deep & that really tell a story! Like a homeless person laying on the sidewalk, or doing something creative to get money for themselves!? Or taking shots of disabled people that have a lot to say & a real story to tell!? Or like taking shots of homeless animals for rescues & shelters to help them find homes for the animals! And, I have 2 does that come to visit my driveway everday/afternoon, etc.... And, I would like to shot them to! ONLY WITH MY CAMERA!

Yes Oakenwood! It is definately a creative art! I also used to draw really good pics, & at some point would like to pursue some classes in that also! Maybe when I finish this one I will pursue one at the AI in drawing also, or at least take some classes in it! I have always been very creative! One day, out of the blue I just started doing carpentry & building things! And, I'm really good at it!!! I can do plumbing & some electical! And, I've changed belts on cars, rebuilt a carborator on a 63 Chevy pickup! And, put on a new alternator! I gutted a bathroom & rebuilt it!

I love anything that allows me to make things or fix things or create things! I would totally love rebuild an engine!!! And, I totally love antique cars/trucks! Would love to redo one!

All that kind of stuff is great therapy!!!

I want to get me a dear stand later or just wait at my gate for a while!? I want to get some great shots of my deers! I love them!!! And, I saw a racoon in my driveway tonight!

Thanks Oak!

Oleblue! Yes! I need to tap into my warrior part! I do have one for sure! That's what has gotten me this far! I went through a lot of terrible abuse when I grew up! And, I have been through sooo many horrible physical things! Like that horrible wreck where I got my TBI!

So tapping into my warrior is a good thought/action! I used to know a guy named Dave! He was a very nice guy!

And, I have a father somwhere out there named Dave!? He was from KY! And, had a relationship with a girl nammed Marrianne Mc Coy! My birth mom! He refussed to claim me! And, abused my mom & threw her & her stuff out on the street! He even destroyed my early pics that my mom had of me!

But the other Dave was a nice guy! And, I've seen many of your post on here & I can tell that you are a really nice person too!

And, I just want to thank you sooo very much for your pep talk, support & encouragement!!! Thanks!!!

Marilyn! Yes! I was just attending another college & was doing great! A's & B's! I have attended college several times before! I have made mostly A's & B's! An occasional C, depending on the subject! I have certain subjects that I excel at! Like photography, psychology, child development, art, music. But I am terrible at the basics!!! Like English, Math, Science, etc... Those are the ones that give me hell!!! LOL :)

I have an AS that I recieved when my son was about 2??? Got it with I was working, helping to take care of my mother with cancer, & finished while she was dying! And, as a single parent! I own my own home! It it very small, but good & paid for! And, I did own my vehicle with no payments until my son wrecked that for me! He run up my bills, & then made more, & then I had to take a loan against it because of him & he was supposed to make the payments--half at the least, & help get that loan off of me ASAP! He was working full time & living off of me--on a SS income of 490 a month!

It is very very difficult to try to make a 165 a month payment on that kind of income, esp.... when that is my Utility money! My electric bill/water bill runs about 70-150, depending on the temp!? And, then I had to take out another loan to try & pay the utilities! And, now I have a nother one, & a check that I have to pay out too! Basically it has all dug me a financial hole! And, the only way I can get out of it & keep my van is too get a student loan & use some of it to get me out of this van payment, this other loan! And, I need to make more repairs to it too, & buy some good tires! I'm riding on my spare now!

My son caused all of this!!! And, I am the one paying for it!!! And, on top of that he had poisened my dogs, & made a nice vet bill to save them! Told the vet office that it was his fault & that he was going to be a stand up guy & take care of it! He did not! I have lost 3 dogs since then, because the vet would not see them! And, no other vet would because I did not have any money! I had to watch all 3 of them suffer a terrible death & die! I was in good standing with my vet!!! Until he screwed me & the dogs on that!!! And, I am still very angry & very hurt about that!!!

I have some vet stuff that I need to do now with a couple of them! Not an EM yet, but could be at some point! Esp... with the one that has cancer! And, all I have to save them is to sit here & wait on FA funds to come in & to put some money back--& that's if there's even anything left over after I get my supplies!? The loan part was totally free! And, I was going to use all the funds to take care of all this mess & then put a 1000 back! Now, that I've had to switch colleges & swithed fields of study I will have to use a huge chunk of it to get photo supplies!

I have to buy a real good digital SLR, a good photo printer--preferabbly a bluetooth wireless one, & a lens, & photoshop, a mac computer--made for photo work & design! And, now that's money that is going to cut into getting those two loans off of me!

But, I am trying!!! I have to believe that somehow some way things will somehow work out in the end!?

I have the worst life ever! But, I also have a somewhat guarded life! When, things are on the line I have amazing things that come through! And, I've experienced more than my share of miracles!!!

But, then, both my mothers were named Mary! And, my father was a carpenter, & I was born on Christmas! So, there you go! A life of being crusified, but like Jesus, guarded by the saints & the angels that are prepared to come to my rescue when God deems it! :)

I have had--in the past week & a half, 3 dogs that got away from me & were in a very dangerous situation! I asked for help with all three of them & ask for God to either place them where I could find them or to bring them back to me & in the mean time to keep them safe! And, all 3 were kept safe somehow, by some miracle!

Today, me & some of my Britts were playing ball in the yard & working on their retrieving! That is their favorite exercise! And, we hadn't got to do it in a while now! So, today we did! This afternoon actually!!! And, my neighbors GS got lose--chewed his cable! He is agressive! Suddenly one of mine spotted something in the woods & ran toward it! I did not want him to get on my neighbors property beause it was thiers & because of the agressive dog--made so by their neglect & abuse!!!

I called him but he was determined to check out whatever it was! So I had to go get him! As I get to the edge of the woods to grab him, with my others following me, out of the woods right in my face charges this agressive GS! He attacks Paint! Of course I am going to interfere because I do not want my dog killed or hurt! And, my other dogs see this dog attacking me & Paint, & that puts them in defend mode!

It was actually to my advantage that I had my whole pack, in a way! Because this dog was intent on doing harm but when he saw me & a whole pack of dogs coming at him, he realized that he was outnumbered & retreated for a second! But, then I had to keep hollering & demanding that my dogs not follow him & pursue an attack on him!

Well, I had to do this & then decided to grab to of mine by the collar & head to my back fence with them! I knew that the others would most likely follow! But I had to reduce the number & work a little at a time to get mine to safety, & keep the attack at bay! Well, then, one of them got away from me & in the mean time he attacked one of my others, as he charged out of the woods again!

Then, I had to stop what I was doing & go back to force him to get off of her! Then, of course my others went back to do that with me! Then, he backed off! Then, I started to take my pack to the fence! Then, he again charged out of the woods & attacked yet another one! And, again we did this whole dance! Finally!? 3rd time was the charm!

I just grabbed two of mine, & I still had their ball out there, so I just grabbed them & ran for the pen as hard as I could run up my hill with my pack & made out to the dogs that we were going after the ball!!! They are very very ball focused!!! So I get to the pen, the gate is open & all but two ran in & I grabbed them & forced them in!

Now the GS is still charging us from behind & pursueing the attack on all of us! He then charges my pen over & over & tries to attack all of them/us through the wire! I knew in oder to gain more control I had to get mine in the house & up in their crates! Then, I was going to go out & have some words with this agressive dog that was making sure to stay in my yard & continue his attacks!

Amazingly I was somehow able to command my whole pack in this whole aggressive mess, stay calm, quickly evaluate the situation, & do all the right things!

I demanded on a constant basis that mine back off & retreat! And, to make sure that they were able to somewhat do that I demanded the other dog back off & retreat! I just treated him like he was one of mine & I ordered him--as though I were his owner--to STOP! BACK OFF! GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE!!!! I SAID IT LIKE I MEANT IT!!!! AND, BY-NED I DID MEAN IT!!!!

I quickly realized that this dog was attacking out of fear! And, then, because he was fear aggressive it gave me better handle & control of the situation! He was attacking at us out of fear! When we retreated he pursued! But, a fear agressive attack can quickly turn into a deadly attack!

But, I got my dogs to safety & then went back out to deal with him! I demaned that he get the hell off of my property! When I would he would run for the woods! And, when I would retreat he would charge again! Thats what fear agressive dogs do! You just make sure that you don't turn you back on them! Always look in their direction! Don't take your eye off of them! But, don't stare or lock looks with them either!

So, I decided, okay, I'm not playing this game anymore or giving any more chances for this to happen! I was going to capture this dog & send him to the shelter! I called 911 while he was continueing his attack! And, they heard him! I can go through my house from one pen to the other! So I opened the gate to my front pen, gave him some food--as he was starved to death & all his ribs were sticking out! And, then, I slowly coaxed him in.... And, then I shut the gate behind him! Now! We're all SAFE!!!

Then, I called back & told them that I had him trapped, to please hurry & get there because I did not want to have to baby sit this dog in my yard all night! In the mean time I talked to him & got to know him from a distance! He calmed right down & went over & laid on my front porch & went to sleep! No more aggression out of him!!! And, by the time the guy got here to pick him up he ran up to him wagging his tail, & then let the guy put a leash on him & load him in the truck!

Looking back! The entire thing was simply amazing!!! I managed to control my entire pack of Brittany's, & my neighbors aggressive GS in the heat of many attacks on all of us! Capture the dog, & futher control him & completely calm him down to the point of going to sleep! I made him understand that all I wanted to do was stop the aggression & the attack, but in reality I did not really want to harm him, unless he forced me to!

None of use were hurt in the attack!!! It turned out to be the best thing! Because they were not only keeping him tied out non-stop in all kinds of horrible heat & bad weather, but they were beating him! I knew about that & was looking for a way to do something about it somehow! Looking for the opportunity to get this dog taken away from them!!!! But, I had no clue that they were also starving the dog as well!!

His behavior was NOT because he was a bad dog!!! It was because he was a beaten up, neglected, terrified dog, that just didn't want anybody to hurt him again!!!!! And, I promised him that I would not unless he made me!? And, that if the help got there in time before his owners got home & started to holler for him, that I would make damned sure that nobody would ever hurt him again!

I prayed like hell that they would not return home so that I could get this dog to the safety of the shelter! And, they have not come home! And, he is in the safety of the shelter now! And, no one else will beat him or starve him again!!!!! The guy that came took a real liking to him, said he had one just like him! The two of them really took up with each other! So maybe this guy will take him!?

He said that my neighbors will be gettting a real nice letter from them about their dog & their treatment of him! He saw that the dog was starved! And, I told him about the abuse! He said that if they did go to court or whatever & somehow get him back that he would make regular visits to their house to keep an eye on them & the dog! I said well, good! But he should never be allowed to go back there!

All is well!!!!! I'm exhausted & headed to bed now........... :)