Multiple Sclerosis (MS) Support Group
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You know what....
I have been in a long term relationship now with what I believe to be a great woman in every respect.
As times gone by things have changed, I'm a fit looking hard working guy, she is a fit looking hard working woman, Ok I have MS, thats only obvious because I have a limp and often use a stick.
Our sex life has all but stopped hardly even a kiss after work unless I ask for one, she often pops out saying she's off to see her two girls and four gran kids, "I wont be long she says, but never do I get an invite, Her return from work gets later and later, her going to work gets earlier and earlier, When the kids are playing football I fdind out at the last min so it would take me to long to get ready.....She has become so very distant but always says when I feel the need to ask..."of cause I love you". I have a bad feeling something is gunna pop its ugly head up soon...
I have been in a long term relationship now with what I believe to be a great woman in every respect.
As times gone by things have changed, I'm a fit looking hard working guy, she is a fit looking hard working woman, Ok I have MS, thats only obvious because I have a limp and often use a stick.
Our sex life has all but stopped hardly even a kiss after work unless I ask for one, she often pops out saying she's off to see her two girls and four gran kids, "I wont be long she says, but never do I get an invite, Her return from work gets later and later, her going to work gets earlier and earlier, When the kids are playing football I fdind out at the last min so it would take me to long to get ready.....She has become so very distant but always says when I feel the need to ask..."of cause I love you". I have a bad feeling something is gunna pop its ugly head up soon...
Have you asked her what is going on?
That's such a difficult one to answer....
Honestly? do you think she is having an affair? or is she feeling helpless? watching you desintigrate? and with all the joys that m.s brings with it?
Are you a perfect specimen to live with?
Do you guys ever go out together? and just have a 'nice meal?' and banal chat watching the world go by from your own private world (you 2 together)
What are your plans this weekend? if she's busy? then say 'please dont' because I would like some time for me and you.
Take the dog to the beach and have lunch and talk!!!
Communication is essential or you will float away and apart.... even though you may remain under the same roof.
Think about it Jim and what you want at the end of the day.
:)
Bec xxx
I don't know if you have ever read any of my journals or stuff, but things started about 2 years ago. My daughter got sick with 4 chronic illness at 11 (she is almost 19 now) and I was working full time and stopped to take care of her just for a while. Then 2 years later I was diagnosed with MS, Chronic Mono and Fibro.
I also was moved to Cali from the East coast where I thought was just a 2 year job. At 2 years I was told, not asked that we were staying, things had changed and his job was fab.
We had a great marriage, really so much fun with our son and daughter. My son left 2 years later for Penn State. I went through a bit of empty nest but still have a very busy life taking care of my daughter then my diagnosis. we muddled through and the shit hit the fan about 2 years ago. Things just started to change. Then they would get completely better and all would go away. Then worse, then better. Like any marriage there are always hills and valleys, good and bad times etc. Sometimes one or the other just needs some space for a while for whatever reason. BUT, last year my husband took my daughter on a 3 week Father Daughter European Graduation trip (he/we are from Europe (I grew up in the states). I have family and friends in Holland, but I wasn't allowed to go. In the fall we decided it was best for me to go back East since I never really got over how he handled us coming so far away from family (we had a great life in NY with load of friends) Did I mention I grew up back east.
So I went back east for 4 months. He drove me back east. We had a blast. I thought wow things are going to be ok, first time in our life we are just the two of us. He came for our sons's engagement party later in the year say Nov. Something felt weird. I can't explain it. He was different, but I chalked it up to being apart, he is and has always been in love with his research so I thought let it go. I even questioned him and said I feel like something is going on. My intuition tells me this and that. I won't go into detail here but we can always talk if you would like to be come friends.
He was supposed to come at Christmas with the whole family and drive me back to Cali. He didn't show, didn't want to. More weird feelings. He was supposed to come in Jan, had a work excuse so I didn't plan and then the worked thing changed. Weird again. When I saw him in Nov. he said don't worry we will work this out. It's us 23 years married, we will fix this its us!
So I had a big lab that drove with us. I was stuck with him back east. No one to leave him with. So it took me weeks to find him a temp/perm home. Broke my heart. He has been with me since my diagnosis.
I flew home. I get off the plane thinking wow Im back, I know it's time to roll up my sleeves and he too and work this out. Put things behind us and look forward to a good life, finally we were on our own without the kids.
I saw him first sitting just thinking looking into thin air. As I walked up with my wheelchair with my bags in it, (i fell back east and cracked my tailbone and I had sat long enough but always travel with my chair just in case). He took one look at me and gave me a half a smile, my heart sunk.
He came up to me which I thought in my mind would be a huge hug both of us Oh it's so good to see you again, I missed you, nice to see you etc.
Nothing, he barely kissed me hello. I think it was even on the cheek. I felt my stomach flop immediately. So all the times I thought my gut was telling me something I kept saying no not him, not us. The 45 minute ride from the airport was painful. Just painful. Awkward. I knew, I just felt it.
We went to the movies the next day and the rest of the week we went to see our daughter at University. 3 hours in the car talking down and back. Never held my hand, looked at me like he has for so many years, slept on the edge of the bed at the B&B. But when we were with our daughter he acted perfectly normal. He was quiet to me, but treated her like he used to treat me. Not like that, I don't mean that, just calling her his poopy and honey and what do you want to do, and where do you want to eat. Ok, I'll wait here go shop with your Mom for a minute. While I was getting her supplies (walking was getting more diff) he went into an expensive store and just bought himself an outfit. I came out with my daughter and had bought her a bunch of stuff.
He didn't even tell me he bought the clothes. Seems unimportant but it's something you just say, hey what do you think, are these cool or not. I found out the following week when he put them on for work. Maybe he mentioned oh I got some nice pants at Banana Republic for a great deal but it was like in passing. He always wanted my opinion, we always shopped like that.
I knew and knew and knew and just kept thinking. I went into a store, he wouldn't go with me, always did, I'll wait in the sun he said, so by this time my stress levels from the week were at an all time high, I lost my balance and fell in the store. Not just a gracious left leg gives out fall.
No a pin ball machine fall, first a shelf, then a bench which flipped me off the end into a rach of purses (thank god not glass) and onto the floor (the 3rd fall in the last month).Ok you can laugh it was funny that's me, nothing quiet, a lady oops slip, no a bull in a china shop and Im not a big girl but it was quite the noise. I got up and tried to slink out of the store and already had a cracked tailbone from the last graceful left leg going phantom on me. I went and sat next to him and he saw my face but I said nothing and he either.
Then he and my daughter started to make plans for something and i said I don't think I can walk that far, I just fell in that store, Im such a dork. In the past he would have been like wow are you all right, are you hurt.
He said wow, that sucks, what happened. I started to tell him and he said shame or that sucks or something. That was it.
For the rest of the story I'll share it under friends only but in the end, if there is a gut feeling, follow your intuition. Im not being weird or anything but I don't want to share all the details here, TMI plus I need to leave room for other people to reply lol. Im the novelist on here, Im typing and I can't shut up.
I could have said to you if you feel something is not right listen to your gut, but I've heard that too and that was too simple, that happens to other people, not me, which is why Im writing a book for an answer, sorry about that. Listen let me know if you want to hear more. I'd be happy to talk to you about it. Hope to hear from you.
Take care of you.
Dragonflylady200