Multiple Sclerosis (MS) Support Group

This community is a place where members can discuss current events and weigh in on what's going on in the world.

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melevebos 07/27/2008

How do you deal with caregiver resentment? I have been struggling with my body and what it has been doing to be for 3-4 weeks now. I've had these problems off and on for years, but never for this long at once. Hubby is pissed over it. Commented tonight he's sick of having to do everything around here himself. How do I deal with this. We never have had a good marriage. He vents all his anger on our 3 kids. They are only 9, 8, and 5 and they are GOOD kids. They don't deserve to be yelled at all the damn time. And neither do I.

But if I divorce him then I have no health insurance and added stress of going through the process. But at the same time living with his constant attitude is stressful too. What do I do? If we had a good relationship to start with I would be more willing to understand that this has been a huge blow to him. But he doesn't even seem to give a damn about me, just that he has to do more work.

I don't even know what to do. And we recently just bought a house and moved out into the country so my best friend is 50 minutes away. My in-laws are an hour away. My mom is only 1 mile aways (one of the reasons we moved out here) but she is manager at vision center and works 65 hours a week. She is supportive but not around much.

If it weren't for my kids I would just totally give up. How do you deal with almost zero support system?

Melissa

deleted_user 07/27/2008

This sounds like such a tough situation. Sounds like you'd be better off somehow being elsewhere. What about your mother?
I am so lucky to have a supportive partner & I wish you did as well.
This is a nice site with caring people who can relate.
Be strong,
Lorna

deleted_user 07/27/2008

Hi Mel,

You are really having a rough time hey!
Have you considered counselling for you and your husband. Sometimes it is harder emotionally on those around us as they also feel so helpless-especially men when they can't "Fix it for us". If he doesn't agree it may be good for you as having someone who does not know you to talk to can help sometimes.
Be strong and DON'T GIVE UP

Orsova 07/27/2008

This will probably sound harsh, but if you have never had a good marriage, tipping MS into the mix isn't likely to improve things.
After nearly 20 yrs of unhappiness I left my husband because in the end I knew I had to be a survivor, not just survive.
My ex's comment when I told him I had MS (and at the time we had been separated for three years)was 'Oh that's not too bad'.!!!
You need to care for yourself first, the rest will follow. Why dont you try a councillor by yourself and maybe find some coping mechanisms.
I really feel for you as I hear echoes of my own life.
Big hugs. Jill

deleted_user 07/27/2008

I don't know about your hubby at all, but have met some men that get frustrated when they can't do anything to make things better. Then they seem to let it out at the wrong time or place. Often they're just not in to 'talkin' it out. They seem to do better if you don't make them sit down and talk about it, but just fit it in conversation, at a time when you're not looking eye to eye. It's as if they don't want you to see them as less than perfect, or weak. Many seem to not want any emotion but being happy shown to the world.
Wish I could be of more help to you.

deleted_user 07/27/2008

Coping with MS by itself is a heavy load. When you add in children and marital issues, I can imagine it may seem unbearable. I think for me, figuring out how to take care of myself and asking for help was the biggest challenge. When you're a mom, especially of young children, you're used to being the caretaker and your needs are easy not to prioritize. If your husband is willing, I would encourage you to look into counseling. It sounds like you're feeling trapped, maybe an objective party could help you look at your options more clearly. Does your husband have a support network that he can go to? Friend, relative ect. Good Luck! You are in my prayers!

heather1 07/28/2008

i just posted the spoon theroy on the main board today...print it off and have him read it hon..that would be a good start...after that i would suggest that you call the ms society and have them send out some information for both of you perhaps....

hugs
heather

deleted_user 07/28/2008

First, some big hugs. You need it! I'm also dealing with a marriage that doesn't mix well with MS (but for slightly different reasons than yours--my spouse, who is severely dyslexic and ADD, needs more time/energy/patience than I can often spare). Anyway, while I agree with others that sharing "The Spoons Theory" and seeking counseling (for yourself or as a couple) are good things to try, I think you also need to have a Plan B, in case the marriage can't be fixed. Check your state government's website for info about divorce laws, then try to find out how things like health insurance/ medical expenses fit into the definition of "joint property" or whatever form of asset distribution is legally mandated in your state. You may be able to get some of this info online from your local bar association. Also, check to see whether you'd be entitled to any sort of assistance/coverage as a disabled person--for example, Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, drug company discount programs, etc.--if you divorced. Finally, try contacting your local chapter of the National MS Society and asking them to refer you to a lawyer for further info. Once, you've got all the facts, you're in a much better position to 1. figure out what you want; 2. negotiate w/ your spouse about the current situation. Don't just assume there's "no way out" for you. . . and your kids.

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