Multiple Sclerosis (MS) Support Group

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Brain & Nervous System
/ Multiple Sclerosis (MS) Support Group

Frustrated husband

Randar
Randar

My wife was diagnosed with MS 28 yrs. ago. We've been married for 31 yrs this Sept. We/she have been extremely blessed due to the fact that she has only had 3 exacerbations since her diagnosis! About 4 yrs ago she had a severe relapse caused by a allergic reaction to an antibiotic. The result was nearly complete paralysis. She spent a month in the hospital then another 2 weeks in physical rehab. She recovered about 60% of her normal strength and coordination. She has been using a walker ever since. Life returned to normal up until 2 yrs. ago when she had to quit her teaching job due to the inability to cope with the stress and physical demands. After her resignation she began drinking alcohol probably due to boredom. She now drinks anywhere from 18-24 beers a day! I know that the alcohol has made her disease worse, but she won't get help! I've been extremely patient with her having been an alcoholic myself for many years. I have been sober for 8 yrs this coming January..just fyi. My frustrations are that she is always drunk by the time I get home from work, I'm responsible for all of the: cooking, cleaning, shopping, and laundry. I'm not looking for sympathy at all!! I don't mind having the extra resposabilities, I'm just sick and tired of her doing this to herself knowing well that it is progressing the disease! I literally beg her to get help everyday, but she's convinced that the alcohol helps her?? That's crazy talk! I watch her go from using her walker in the mornings with ease to stumbling and falling after drinking. I do love her, but I'm at wits end!! Any advice would be highly appreciated!! I've had to seek counseling just to keep from going crazy. It helps very little. I've threatened to leave her if she doesn't seek help but that just makes her give empty promises. She has no income or anywhere to go. It would just be easier on both of us to stay in this horrible situation than divorce as stupid as that sounds. Maybe I'm just too nice or too lazy?? Like I said, ANY advice would be very much appreciated!!! God bless!

Ladybug7
Ladybug7
First, I think it's very admirable how you've stood by your wife. You've obviously been through a lot. One question, though: You mention that she's drinking 18-24 beers per day, and that you're the one doing all of the shopping (etc.). Does this mean that you're buying the beer for her?
Randar
Randar
No. She is still able to drive early in the day before she starts drinking, so she goes to the drive thru at our little corner store. She knows I will NEVER buy it for her!! If she runs out of beer late in the day she just goes to bed. I have hidden her keys before. The last thing we need is a dwi or even worse, killing someone!
Xeria
Xeria
Randar, I want to join ladybug in telling you how wonderful I think you are for how you have stood by your wife despite everything, first the MS and now the drinking. You are much more the exception than the rule when it comes to support and tolerance.

I know this may sound cruel and cold hearted but there are two points which spring to mind here. First is you must look after yourself as well as your wife. You are not made of infinite and endless energy and health. It will do nobody any good if you crash. And that means doing what is best for you which unfortunately may not exactly coincide with what your wife wants.

Have you tried alcoholics anonymous for spouses or partners having to live with alcoholics? Having been there yourself and by the way very big congratulations on getting and staying clean for so long, you understand more than anybody the difficulties, obstacles and challenges. There is no question that you need support, the question is where to get it. I don't just mean online support but physical support where you can relate to another person.

You have not mentioned family, are they supportive at all - either of you or your wife?

The sad truth is until your wife wants to help herself there is little that can be done for her. At least that is my humble opinion. The danger is that she will drag you down with her. I know I might sound harsh and unfeeling and that is not my intention.

So my advice to you would be firstly to get support for yourself. Secondly you must let your wife know when she's in a more sober and conscious state that whilst your love, patience and support for her is very much there, it is not infinite and without limitations. She must understand that you cannot and are not prepared to go down with her. There is such a thing as tough love and you may have to employ that in this situation.

If you want to message me and discuss this off forum please feel free.
lchoppel
lchoppel
First learn the basics of alcoholism at the very least. Your wife has a disease for which you can not help her in any way. Your frustration level is at wits end I know as I've lived with an alcoholic too. Try the support group here on alcoholism or try Alanon which is AA for partners of alcoholics. You too living with her disease are sick. Take care of yourself first because if you are not healthy she will not be healthy. You might have to separate in order to hopefully push her to get help. Having MS to the degree that has caused your wife to slow down is not an excuse to drink. You have a lot if good help here. Keep us posted of your actions and progress. 30 years is a lifetime...
drmarc
drmarc
You just wrote my story but with one change, I am in a same sex marriage together 32 years and partner started to progress eight years ago. He has his first glass of wine at 3pm and goes until bedtime about 9. Half the time he is OK but the other half he gets angry belligerent and mean. I feel trapped bc I love him and would never leave - been together since I was 20.

He says I can't understand what it is like to lose your ability to move and your life, but I can relate to the latter. He says he drinks to forget.

It's a nightmare,.

My suggestion is to leave for work in am and stay out until 5/6 then accept you have only a few hours in the evening to let your wife have her way.

It has to be so terrifying for our spouses and there is no hope for progressing MS, so they numb themselves.

I sometimes think that this pattern with our spouses is meant to be so when we actually do lose them, the relief will outweigh the pain.
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