I wish I knew I think self hate and not enough other creative choices maybe not sure but it is addictive ,, I have a ffriend who does it sometimes I am so scared it will be her last one ,,

I can deal with physical pain than emotional pain. I can clean the bloody up and have control of how much i hurt. I am in control of everything at all times. It is something that I know when it is going to happen. It allows for the evil to come out of me. if people see that I am in physical pain they actually pay attention because no matter how much emotional pain im in they dont care. I know people dont like it but its the only time when I feel alive because if Im bleeding well then I must be alive. You will never understand because you dont do it.

Chris (11)

the sad part is cutters are not in control my friends full time job is to work with cutters she is a phd nurse who went to school for it,, and many die, i think it needs serious help and I do not know I am not a cutter but I have friends it is so sad to see self mutilation my scars are inside but that is a visible cry,, Of course I get it,, my breasts cut off from breast cancer intersting had to cut to get the poison out of course the surgeon did it , I went through hell but am cancer free no comparison but that cutting is trying to get something so horrible out the pain of abuse,, so sad for those with this affliction ,, Alot to carry,,,

Consider that the why is coping mechanism and can have many reasons: not to feel numb, because we need to feel grounded and in or own body for a change, to release pain and hurt, to release endorphins and feel no pain, to feel in control, to give physical visual validity to something that is emotional and can't be seen.... the list goes on

Wow, tyzz, that is well said. I never thought about the control part. Cutting is one of the most severe kinds of self mutilation, but there are other ways, too. I want to a lot, oh, so badly sometimes, but I have enough guilt and shame piled on me to keep me from doing it. So I fantacise about it. Which is not good, either, because then nobody can even see it or know about it unless I tell them...I guess, another way to control things....see, tyzz, wow!!

I have been known to bang my head a gainst the wall, and I mean hard, usually because of frustration that I feel so intensely that I MUST do something physical to express it, or I feel like my mind and body would literally blow up. I didn't do it so much, though, after banging my head against a door frame. Door frames don't give much. And I hit particularly hard that time. O_U_C_H. That can cause brain damage. I think it also is a way to get your feelings out of your head and body, and actually a release from pain. Once injured enough, your body reacts to it with hormones that are similar to morphine. But the effect only lasts a short time. So that is why some people have dozens and dozens of scars from it. I imagine it is largely brought on by fear and shame and guilt feelings for having so much emotional pain in the first place. Our society's attitude twards people's normal display of pain in particular does not help at all...we're called, "wimps" or "wussies" and any number of other demeaning names...which ironically, is a form of abuse and only makes their pain worse and not better.

What also greatly troubles me is, that when society in general also eschews especially teen agers' cutting because "it's a fad and they are just trying to get attention." Part of that is true, but if some kid is just doing it for kicks, then there's still a problem of some kind if that's what they are choosing to do for attention. So what happens is, even the cutters who are really trying to get attention because nobody will listen and there's real pain and a real serious problem, also get eschewed. (Yeah, right) For example, my X-husband lied his way into getting custody of our four children while they were still in school. I know for a fact that at least three of them were cutting while they were with him. He was one of those people who believed it was just a fad. Even when THREE out of FOUR children were doing it. The sick thing is, I suspect that the reason for his gross denial is because he was a major part of why they were cutting.

OK, 'nough said on that one.

@ Ella...it numbs the distress.
...How do you deal with being distressed?

BTW ~ In the end so far, we've lost our oldest to suicide and another son attempted and barely, and I mean barely, escaped death. It is entirely possible for more things from any one of them, we do not know about. We're (singular) not supposed to know about the other son who attempted. Oh, there's much more to that story, so I'll stop there.

starfish sorry for all you have been through with your children OMG what an ordeal

Thank you, bmw....when my children were taken from me (for a "good" reason; I had unintentionally done something to one of the kids that made taking them a valid thing to do) I was literally right in the middle of nursing school. It was at that point, I felt that God completely took over my life, meaning, I did not have ANY of my own power left....the rest has been only Him, the way I see it. That was in 1995. Oddly enough, my life has still been an upward battle with one arm, it seems. But the miraculous thing to me is, that I keep dusting off my butt and getting back on that damn horse.

our dumbass of a host cuts. thats why im asking. -Ella

I could have someone inside who does, but my body does not have scars from it. I can't imagine having scars that show when you're not the one who did it. :(

((( hugs )))

Ella maybe if you would actually ask me why i do it you'll gain a better understanding.... instead of making it so public.

MAYBE IF YOU WOULD FUCKING LISTEN TO ME AND STOP I WOULDNT HAVE TO! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! -Ella

You just dont get it Ella! And if you keep being so ignorant and bull-Headed you will NEVER understand! Please just try to understand the its is my way of dealing with how shitty my life is....

OH ITS SHITTY ALL RIGHT! especially the way you make it! its OUR life to ya know!! >:/