Multiple Personalities Support Group
Dissociative identity disorder is a diagnosis described as the existence in an individual of two or more distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. At least two of these personalities are considered to routinely take control of the individual's behavior, and there is also some associated memory loss,...
...It seems a lot of the "mental fizzing,"or "internal static," or "brain noise" that I have experienced all my life? that this is the work of at least one persecutor alter.
The one I'm currently talking to is named "Miss Perfect."
Apparently she hates to see me feel good.
I've been feeling better, you see.
...Telling her to knock it off doesn't work, obviously.
...I asked her why she was doing it, and she said: "Mommy doesn't like us happy. We're bad."
...Well, we're not bad. And I intend to keep taking better care of my/our mood.
So...this "brain noise" stuff? It's intrusive thoughts, basically. I get the "past social humiliations" kind, I also get the "repulsive actions" kind. Anyone have any idea how to not just have to put up with this?
The one I'm currently talking to is named "Miss Perfect."
Apparently she hates to see me feel good.
I've been feeling better, you see.
...Telling her to knock it off doesn't work, obviously.
...I asked her why she was doing it, and she said: "Mommy doesn't like us happy. We're bad."
...Well, we're not bad. And I intend to keep taking better care of my/our mood.
So...this "brain noise" stuff? It's intrusive thoughts, basically. I get the "past social humiliations" kind, I also get the "repulsive actions" kind. Anyone have any idea how to not just have to put up with this?
Telling her to knock it off by what I understand from my therapy is basically reinforcing what the mother did which in turns makes them feel they are still bad?
Just some thoughts! I know it isn't easy by all means as I ask struggling with this almost daily now, but I do know the fact that they are talking to you means they may be looking for you to comfort them and show them positive things. Also building trust with them so hopefully they will work with you not against you! The more you deny them I find the louder they get!!
Hope this helps!
Perhaps, Miss Perfect is really just trying to protect you...she is still frozen in time thinking that mommy is going to punish you for feeling happy.
Perhaps it is time to embrace Miss Perfect and give her lots of hugs and attention and thank her for what she has done...then slowly, (working with therapist), get her to process a little bit some feelings she is carrying. Eventually, she may discover a new , more productive role as she she sees that the in the present moment, being happy is ok and safe....she can become unfrozen from the past?
I think about it like a child who is standing behind a frozen waterfall...i call it the waterfall of tears and fears. Behind the child is a cave where our past lives. In front of the child is the frozen waterfall. Therapeutically speaking, we unfreeze the waterfall and walk thru it.. ... thus , we leave the cave behind us and walk thru the waterfall....cleanse ourselves and walk towards the future free and clean.
I'm not saying i have unfrozen the waterfall myself...i have frozen parts still back in the cave.
...Miss Perfect is a warped copy of my mom when I was 7.
Mom...well, made me do chores until I cracked.
She'd bully me verbally-she didn't really want chores done, you see.
She wanted to make me cry-her words, now, after lots of therapy...
Except that I wouldn't, because I was hit for crying by my dad?
... I wouldn't give mom the emotional payoff she wanted so she berated, slapped as punctuation.
Eventually Shawn (protector) realized mom just wanted to scream at us and hit us, so he would literally screw up chores as fast as possible, so we could go play in our room.
Anyway...
Miss Perfect was the part of me that wanted so badly to make mom happy.She wants to make us "perfect."
The thing is, of course, is we can't be perfect.
We're human.
...So she's the voice in my head that tells me to kill myself.
I do love Miss Perfect, because I know under that hatred of me is hurt...lots of hurt. She really loved mom terribly much, and turned on the rest of us in an attempt to please mom.
I *also* realize that were Ms. P not sectioned off from the rest of me her urge to self-destruct would be MY urge to self-destruct.
It's like having a live grenade in my head.
...Addendum:
I also have a warped copy of dad in my head...but ATM he's locked out, I am not ready to tackle him yet.
Boundaries.
Like a headstrong child, you know?
A tantrum from her is her chanting "I hate myself," constantly in the back of my head until I am ready to scream.
But I have to win and keep winning, and do it with love...
This crap ain't for wimps, I guess?