Multiple Personalities Support Group
Dissociative identity disorder is a diagnosis described as the existence in an individual of two or more distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. At least two of these personalities are considered to routinely take control of the individual's behavior, and there is also some associated memory loss,...
...I don't really know who I am anymore, since a lot that I thought was me turns out to be alters, and "I" act more as a conduit than anything else.
...I have no faith in my own ability to actually be seeing reality, as it's become apparent to me how reality has been "filtered" for me up until about 3 years ago...
...I'm just sort of a process in motion and all I can do is accept...there's a thread over on the incest survivor's board talking about trust, and trusting oneself...
...It occurred to me...How can I trust myself when I have lost my concept of my own identity?
I mean, I'm not me. I'm really not me.
Then it occurred to me that it doesn't matter that I don't know who I am and can't trust "myself," whoever the hell that is.
I'm not the one in control of this process. I didn't buy the ticket, but I am taking the ride anyway...and the trip just keeps on going.
The only thing that "I" can do is just...sort of breathe...and accept. Accept.
That's it.
I'm in a lot of pain right now.
...I have no faith in my own ability to actually be seeing reality, as it's become apparent to me how reality has been "filtered" for me up until about 3 years ago...
...I'm just sort of a process in motion and all I can do is accept...there's a thread over on the incest survivor's board talking about trust, and trusting oneself...
...It occurred to me...How can I trust myself when I have lost my concept of my own identity?
I mean, I'm not me. I'm really not me.
Then it occurred to me that it doesn't matter that I don't know who I am and can't trust "myself," whoever the hell that is.
I'm not the one in control of this process. I didn't buy the ticket, but I am taking the ride anyway...and the trip just keeps on going.
The only thing that "I" can do is just...sort of breathe...and accept. Accept.
That's it.
I'm in a lot of pain right now.
It caused frustration and confusion in me because how can i be true to myself if i don't know who i am.
But this group has helped me to see different sides and begin exploring my core self...so i agree with you that it is a journey.
(((HUGS)))
Reminds me...A friend of mine kidded me before Christmas...
..."DID means never having to spend the holidays alone."
Seriously though, it's nice to know there are people like ourselfs out there...and thanks :)
I was crying the other night as I realized some of your thoughts. its almost a kind of bitter sweet for ourselves. yet ones self would not want to lose any part of us. its a family and friends. confused feelings and thoughts yes. to learn about one another. yes. to lose who we are? no. at least we are not ready for that. I am not ready for something like that. maybe never. you are right. we didn't ask for the ticket. we didn't ask for any of it. No one here asked for it. So we will just love one day at a time. learn one day at a time. cry in the moment. laugh in others.
a dream within dreams:
In the beginnings of our childhoods, we were forced to be without form or life. it was dark across the deep of our souls. our minds were shards in the negative space imposed by the terrible ones.
Avi, (aahvee) moved across the waters of Rafyel's tears. Avi breathed life. a secret garden grew in some places. covering dark memories. places for the Littles to hide. for the Lady who was to come.
and the entrance to be guarded by the Protector.
sorry you are in pain.
Avi makes an interesting observation of mythology and religion-whether one believes or not. Some of the more interesting Deities are "we"s too. In Hinduism. The "top" God is manifested in multiples. In the Hebrew God refers to its self as WE. In the Christian faith God is three separate distinct identities and yet one.
no one is racing to put any of them in the 'lepers' camp.
we are not Gods. but we all sure create with our hands like no other. all of us here on this forum.
The Lady is mother to the Little's. She protects them. She protects me. She is a good and wise woman. A very gentle soul. But fiercely protective of us all. She hides us well when danger is near.
The Protector stands at the entrance to our secret garden. He is strong, quiet, fearless. Dangerous to the terrible ones. Straight forward (not so quiet) with all others who are less than kind.
There are others.
I built on that one feeling that was my own and have negotiated with the others to have some life of my own. It was a tough time, I had to break some of the rules they had for me and was also punished, but they learned that I had needs and wants just like them and it's turned out pretty much ok.. although sometimes I wish to return to the ignorant bliss of simply carrying out commands. It can be exhausting to have some life of your own, as well as keeping up with the job you were given.
Someone else wants to say something, I'm not sure if you should listen to him or not but here it is:
You are indeed a powerful one. 'You' whether part of a larger 'you' or an 'us', are in a very trusted and important position. A conduit is an extremely vital part in an kind of operation.
OK he has to stop. I gotta go too.