Blackrose, I am having the same problem with Malice. He utterly doesn't care about what happens to me or my reputation. Yesterday, I tried talking to him when I was feeling strong and confident and although I didn't get through to him, I think that might be part of the solution to us both.

If you are able to meet Ella head on with a good amount of confidence, you should be able to at least be able to talk to her without to much worry. If you can, try and ask her if she'll behave herself if you let her out. If she's like Malice she won't give you and inch or compromise even a little, but you won't know until you ask. I don't know how helpful that was, but I hope it works out for you.

I told her before that I'll let her out if she behaves. I'm even having some friends make sure she stays safe. I just hope she listens.

My experience is that I've had to place boundaries and rules upon my alters very much the way a parent does to her kids. My alter Laurian is hypersexual and would happily sleep with almost any grown man. I have to make sure my partner is more than casual, and is safe. but I do address her needs and try to fulfull them in a safe manner.

Psyche wants to smoke. Something I have never done. After a week of thinking about it I decided to let her. It's not very much, just enough that she knows I'm attending to her needs and wants.

So I would find out as much as I can about Ela and what she wants and maybe why she wants it. Then I would try to make rules I can make her stick to, but like a good mom, I would also try to respect her feelings and try to meet some needs.

Relationships with alters is always a new experience just as with real outside people. I truly hope Ela can get what she needs in a safe and guided by you way. Good luck.

The problem is Ella is reckless. She likes to pick fights and act like she's the best of the best. She thinks she's better than everything else. She acts like a child and if she doesn't get her way it's not pretty...

I once threatened Psyche that if she did not stop swearing at me and insisting I'm not remembering and accepting repressed memories fast enough, I would repress her completely and not let her out again. She laughed and said, it's really cute how you think you're in charge.

I know how hard it can be to stay in control. I think its important to try to gain her trust. If you are co-conscious then you two can talk. If she hides a lot then it's harder. I wish there were easier answers.

I'm going to talk to her more tonight and tomorrow. I just hope she doesn't get mad.

We also have boundaries and rules. However, in our case we sat down and worked out a collective agreement..a family contract. It took a while but once everyone agreed to the contract we didn't have any further problems. We used this contract to solve problems like cutting, hypersexuality, drugs, and inside fighting.

Some of the steps we had to go through was first understanding why different parts wanted to do these things. For example, you say that Ella is implusive and will get into trouble. Why? What from your past and her past has caused her to be this way?

Once we understood to some degree why different parts wanted to do things like cutting, careless sex, drugs etc we were able to strike up a compromise by finding things that would help them feel safe and satisfied while at the same time keeping the body safe.

Anyways this is just what worked for us. :-) For us, control or trying to impose rules on the others didn't work at all. It had to be a collective agreement made out of mutual understanding, respect and compassion.

Kaydee is right. With me, my parts understand and are conscious of how and why they came to be and act the way they are. They get it! So, I am a big advocate of compromises. We have to gage and ask ourselves these questions: What are the consequences of these behaviors? Are they worth it? How can I limit the risks and still give that part of me that release she is needing? How can the dark ones express themselves appropriately?

If an alter is absolutely bonkers and wrong, out of their mind, it's obvious what needs to be done. But life is not so black and white. I think most parts of us feel very much justified in their actions, and in some ways, they are. They want to do what they want to do because bad things were done to them, when they were helpless, naive, and vulnerable. They didn't have a choice back then, and now, they want to empower themselves, choosing the themes that they were taught in their precious lives. Life isn't' fair, they scream! It's my turn to get even, it's my turn to feel the power!!!

So, there are safe ways to do almost everything under the sun. There is also a job for any behavior we humans do. For example, weeding is a great way to get physical. Debating is a great way to fight...and so on. There is also role playing. We have to get creative, now, don't we? So, ya brainstorm about how this alter can feel she is always right, maybe fight a little, and still end up the winner. There are answers, their are just causes to adopt, we just need to find them.

All the best, Sofie

I think Ella thinks I'm too weak to be on my own. She said that she's getting sick of me letting people walk all over me. Today I started crying and she yelled at me and threatened to possess me and not let me out if I didn't stop acting so scared.

Maybe in some ways Ella is on to something, she is worried about you. She feels that everyone else has been wrong, maybe from her side, she's correct. But maybe she has been blind to the correct decisions and helpful actions that you and others do. The way she expresses herself is hurtful and abusive for you to take. So, that's why it can be so scary and confusing. You know that she might be protecting you, or speaking some truth, but getting her point across is making you feel worse. You might hear her like a voice in your head, or you might be able to feel and understand her thoughts. Either way, you might want to develop an emotional translator for when she is being harsh. One of you can teach her the right ways to speak to someone, in this case, to you. For every verbal bashing, there is another way to word something, to defuse the blame and rage. With some paper and a pen, you guys can figure this out. Books on effective communication and assertiveness might help her. She is angry, and you need to find out why and validate her anger. Ask her, why do you think I let people walk all over me? Sometimes it's just a matter of perspectives, and she needs to be reminded of this. Hope you and Ella work things out! ~Sofie