My personal opinion is NO - as you learn more about your past you get set free from the need to have all your alters -- my littles have started joining together and the ones I don't like are even more separated -- but at least, my agressive people are not trying to kill me anymore - I tried suicide so many times - I have lost count. -- but I have faith with the right meds and a good therapist - I can become one person - instead of being a group - I have 18 different people inside and all have a job -- for a short while in April, Jana joined with the group - but we all hated that - Jana takes the pain - so the body was feeling my pain and I hated it. Poor Jana is now doing her duty and taking all the pain for all of us - but that means she is alone, all the time -- neither young nor old - just one of the many.
Memory work is difficult and it takes a long time, but then the pieces of your life start to make sense - I have been in therapy for about 30 years -- and the end is no where in sight - but that is how the system was created in the first place. -- It works, as a whole for the same body.
And don't worry, everything is going to get worse - it always does ha ha!

Hi April,

I'm at the same place right now, except that I haven't found a therapist yet. I've been mentally giving myself permission to remember over the last couple of weeks, yet cringing when I think of what *might* be there.

I know I have to do this if I want to see what life's like for non-multiples, and I do! I want to be able to handle stress without the little girl screaming inside my head, and without the older woman screaming back at her to shut up. And so I'll do this work.

The book I'm reading (sorry that I keep mentioning it in posts, but it's the first book on MPD I've read, and I'm learning so much from it) called "The Inner Family" says that what you and I are going through is completely normal.

We created these other parts to divide up the pain that was too much for one child to handle at the time. They served their purpose, like tonsils, but now, like tonsils, they can cause more problems in our adult lives than they solve.

Remembering seems to be the hardest part of healing - remembering and accepting the part that's telling you the memory. It's easy to shove her back into the closet of our mind, but we know she'll always be there, and sometimes she'll act out to get our attention. We need to - slowly, at our own pace - begin to hear her story and comfort her. Eventually, she will become one with us, or so the book says.

We're all on this journey together. I'm glad you're here at DS. We can do this, with each others' support. And hopefully with MidnightShadow's guidance, we can do it in under 30 years! ;-p

Shadow, you're a great guide - With what you're teaching me through telling your story, I know you're making my journey easier, and I thank you.

Blessings,
Wistala

I agree with Midnight, that you really can't get through the work without working through the memories. In order to get past them you have to go through them.

What happens for many of us, me included, is that the going through is as painful as the actual experience was for us. Each of your parts was created for a reason, and they have things to teach you and to share with you so you can heal and become whole. Once your system develops empathy for each other, understanding of everyone's pain, and accepting of all you have been through, the healing can begin.

It is, unfortunately, a long process. It takes a lot of time and courage to heal. What I have to remember and would encourage others to remember as well, is that you are a survivor, you have already survived the worst. As much as the re-living hurts, physically you aren't in any danger anymore (unless you are still in an abusive relationship) and that you can work through this and you can heal. Slowly, but it can be done.

Karen

I agree with what everyone has said.

I think its important that we give our 'others' the credit they deserve though. Without a doubt it is a hard journey and unless one has bene thought it people could never understand how hard it is.

But just as the 'others' took the pain and turmoil of the abuse you suffered they have collectively decided that you are ready to share some of their memories. Yes it is painful but like all of us here you can do it even though we all feel we cant.

Be strong and know that your others are there to protect you and your family here on DS will always be here to support you

I don't think I can do it.

april, no you don't and probably won't remember everything that happened to you. it is always overwhelming when we first begin to remember, i was actually unable to speak. i could talk about anything else but if i tried to tell my therapist what i was 'seeing' in my mind my throat actually closed and i couldn't talk.

it may help if you remind yourself that they are memories and you did the hardest part of living through it. sometimes that seems unimportant because the memories are so overwhelming and painful but it is true. you now have more options, and support.

it is completely normal to feel as you do now. i have been dealing with the memories for a long time now. i also work and am educated in the field. but with all that i still want to erase them. i still want it all to be wrong. i want to make it go away, for someone to tell me it's all a mistake. i want to wake up and know it was all a bad dream. it never happens.

it does get easier, some days are better. i learned to function in spite of all the madness in my head, the memories that intude. one 'trick' i use is to 'allow' them to bombard me for a specific amount of time each day. i learned to do that as a child so i wouldn't be overwhelmed with grief. i wouldn't allow myself to be overwhelmed with grief so i would tell myself when i felt it welling up i couldn't allow it right now but promised myself i would let it happen later when i was alone. i didn't know it was a psychological coping tool that therapists teach patients.

although you probably feel you're crazy and no one else feels as you do you're not. take good care.

I guess I've come to the realization that even though I don't want to remember what happened, I need to. I had another session with my therapist today. It was hard. Why does it have to be so hard when remembering? Now if only I can make it through this alive . . .

I didnt want to remember either. I made no attempt at even trying. But one day it felt like pieces falling and landing on the floor in the right combination and suddenly i remembered! I still wish i didnt know, but ultimatly, things make more sense now. We work as a team better now. But i still hate my new knowledge. Ambivolence is a good word.

Thank you all. This is very helpful.

I choose to not deal with anymore today. I have to go do some chores and stuff and if I try to do any more with this issue, whatever it is, I am afraid I will end up in a very bad place. It is scaring me enough that I may return to counseling as I am afraid I'll freak out. I wish I knew what is behind the dark place in my brain but I don't want to know as it feels like it is a horrible thing and I am afraid of losing control if I remember it and I don't want to think about it anymore. So I am going to shut down my feelings and thoughts and go do something safe. My ears are ringing and my gut is hurting and my eyes are jumping around and I have to shut it all off. You folks are very brave if you went through your dark places and remembered. Now I got a major headache and dizzy. Gotta go. Love to all who are working into this thing... I hope I am doing the normal thing and not going down a wrong path. Best to all. Have a good day.