I know that mine has been really confusing since I've found out about my alters. I have the feeling that this is partly because I haven't dealt with some of the sexual abuse that I hadn't realized was actually part of my life until about a month ago though.

Yes, I'm the same way. And like Hope, I also haven't dealt with it all. But who has time for sex when you have two little ones who crawl into bed in the middle of the night!!! Also, I am soo exhausted from trying soo hard to be a good parent.

I can relate.Sometimes when I have a new alter coming out I get major panic attacks about anything sexual.

We are so afraid of sex right now because of the fear we will switch to someone who will be freaked out by it. Stephanie used to have sex, and was the more loving kind, I think some of the kids have been out in the past during sex and they cry silently in the dark afterward, Lillith is the fire-brand that needs proper channeling to keep us all safe from her escapades.
Pat

Yes, I've switched into three before.. the last being Myste who is the most sexual of us all and more of a keeper of my sexuality. Before knowing I was multiple again, I referred this to "daddy whore mode" LOL.. nope it's just Myste.

This is funny and kinda personal but something I wanted to share.My husband can tell when we switch during loving making and not only because of differences in our idiosyncrasies but our actual physiology changes.He has caught Sarah many many times imitating either me(Elizabeth) or Wheezie because she wanted to come in.Another thing is I Elizabeth am the only one who truly feels everything when it comes to sex.All of the others are numb because of dissociation but that does not stop them from wanting to share themselves with our husband.My hope is one day through integration they all can feel the full range of feelings that sex offers.

that is actually very encouraging Wheezie

(trigger)



there seems to be a little girl in my head who was born to be just what daddy wanted...she loved the gross stuff he did...she made daddy very happy so he would keep us safe.
The only time he paid any positive attention is when we did that with him and shortly after...we loved daddy. We did love him then, it was only later we learned not to love him.

And not knowing better, I think I left her in agony in the back of my mind since he stopped. 30 years ago.
Gods...that poor little kid...

I see her as covered in black filth and when I go to wash her off the filth just covers her up again.
The other night she was screaming for him to come back...

And... I feel nasty and spacy and weird after typing that...bedtime.

Hylie, there is no reason for you to feel nasty or weird.These are the normal ramifications of being abused this way.This little girl needs to know the truth.She was not born to please your father.She was born to protect you.Perhaps if you told her that the next time you tried to clean her off the filth would not come back again.

hyli, it was good that you were able to share that. Thanks for the trigger warning. Yeah, that weird feeling, I get that a lot too. Don't let it stop you from connecting. Only then will you be able to progress toward healing.

Sex: This was the reason I knew I had MPD: with my hubby I would "Play" another person, Storm. Yet, I became her.
After my car accident and I my therapist said I had PTSD; I knew it was more: but to convince him was ..... so much more.

Storm: She was my husband's dream: the ultimate... She was angry and pushy and mean but was exciting. She was made to be aggressive... If she was aggressive toward our abuser, then she would protect the others and the torture would not start.

Once Storm intergrated: Sex became better and more exciting as a single person:

Sex for the Core personality: Once the numbing went away and the flash backs slowed down. I connected to my husband emotionally again. Once I reached orgasm sex became therapeutic to release feelings of pain. I would cry immediately after we finished making love. My poor hubby is awesome and patient. Sex triggered my pain. Now the crying is less frequent and the sex is great! It has taken a few years.

but there is Zooka, she is a black(I am not). She speaks her own language. It is made up. She is a slave. Or thinks she is. The teen boys played the tv show "Roots" with her. She had the worst abuse. My inside family built a school house and taught Zooka English. She speaks some. She is learning good touches through my husband.

What is difficult with DID and MPD is the twist and turns through healing. I have found if I respect and go with what they need.... my inner selves heal slowly.... I have great days... and I have horrible days.... but I have many great days.

I am not here often... because life is... to be lived not in the past but the present! I can be a victim, but that means my abuser wins!
I can be a survivor... but I live day to day just barely making it!
I can chose to Thrive! To face and walk through my pain with immense courage. To take the time to Feel and Heal~ To know Healing is a life long journey. To live and embrace life while I heal!
To find Joy! Thrive!


I hope you and your inner families.... grow... love and thrive too!