It's called getting to know someone.

Yes I'm aware that getting to know someone leads them to being more relaxed in their presence, but I wanted to know if there is anyone that has had a romantic relationship with an alter as well as the host. I suppose I should have been more clear.

It seems to me that it might cause contention between the two alters within your boyfriend. It also sounds to me like it is possible that the lover could be one who is actually jealous of you and your boyfriend's relationship and by making a relationship with you, might be trying to break you other two up. With a history of violence, it puts both you and your boyfriend at risk. It sounds to me like the lover is just grooming you, I'd be awfully careful, and think about your safety boundaries and how much you will put up with. Which, for your sake, should be not much, IMO.

While that first part seems possible, do not always judge alters by appearances. Not all alters are out for blood or to cause harm to those around them. Some may just be misunderstood or have to put on a façade for the condition in which they were created. You never know, the aggressiveness may have been to test the will of individuals and those who cannot hold up to that aggression do not deserve anything less than aggression in their eyes. But those who rise above may have exceeding relationships and bonds with said alters. Don't judge a book by it's cover, as it goes.

You should be involved with all the alters as well as the host as you like to call it.

Of course, I agree FickleFairy. I've always been involved as a support towards the other's and my boyfriend (who I called the host because I assume that if there are other people out there, their relationship might be different than mine and I'd like to know all stories rather than just the ones that apply to my situation). That being said, being involved in someone's life is not the same as being romantically/sexually involved, or to even have a friendship with that person, no matter if they share the body with someone you care about. I am also involved with some of his other personalities, but outside of my boyfriend and my lover, I'm not romantically involved, or even what I would consider friends with any of them. That's not because I don't want to be a part of their lives, but rather that neither of us were interested in getting to know each other outside of me helping them overcome some of the issues their trauma left them with.

hi Reason,

I'm/We are a Hive that has dealt with this from the multiples perspective. while our arrangement is a bit more complicated there are those of us that share our husband romantically and those who don't. he is supportive of all of us and our choices to be individuals. am i getting that vibe from you? we have been together 15 yrs.

now i am going to say that there is a bit of caution in my opinion here. we have one in our hive that was very violent. she was that way cause she was the protector. she learned to tolerate my husband only after she was convinced he wasn't leaving or abusive (10yrs). i'm mentioning this because you said you lover has a history of violence. as multiples we have reasons for being here to do certain jobs during the trauma. its hard to unlearn those over night. i wouldn't want to see you hurt by an accidental trigger.

I really appreciate you saying all that, because some of what you said sounds very much like my situation, and I worried there for a while that my relationship with them was considered too taboo for there to be more people out there.

Looking back, I think describing my lover as someone with a history of violence might have given a lot of people the wrong idea. He's not physically violent to my boyfriend or me, but he used to be harsh if that makes sense. Like the person you described, he was/is the protector. After the abuse ended, the other's handled things in their own ways- those ways being to retreat into shells and try to hide from the memories. As someone that tried to fight to protect them, his way of trying to help them was to, well, try to break their shells. Needless to say they didn't take kindly and he was considered "the bad guy", which gave me the wrong idea of him when he and I first met.

That being said, him being a part of my boyfriend's and my life has really helped things. He's opened up a lot and is actually a really sweet guy, the other's have followed his lead and started opening up too, and my boyfriend enjoys stepping back and relaxing while also being able to learn how to approach things differently which has served as a weird sort of couples therapy I didn't realize we needed.

That's what led me to posting in this group; so many people have such negative experiences and I supposed part of me wanted to know if anyone else has enjoyed life with multiples- or in the very least let someone know that its not the end of the world if someone you love has them.

Protectors help significant others by "cheating" and giving the lover the answers, without really meaning to...but the hand is down and the cards are all revealed when the protector is pissed off about something. It's best to not get too emotionally involved and act professional with the angry parts.
I know my husband loves me and it sucks, I really hate being married. I hate it!!! I'm a multiple and I have a good heart so he takes notice and it sucks, man!
As for sex, it's really not a big deal. I mean unless you have sex impulsivity or addiction, who cares if you
Screw every alter or barely any alters..idk I'm not picky and my husband just needs a warm body some nights. It's like a non issue in the grand scheme of life and love and death and dreams.

Being a protector myself, i know how it may seem we are mean all the time. but i will emphasize this due to the nature of responses and how it would hurt certain hosts: we are PROTECTORS. we are not here to be self destructive. there are those that are but I am not that. yes I can be mean and protective but that's mostly because I have to be cautions because everyone is a threat until proven otherwise. that being said, "angry parts" doesn't refer to protectors either. we aren't always angry, contrary to beliefs. we just have to be cautious, as i said before.

OMG!! I am just reading through this post and I absolutely DO NOT remember writing my last reply. Although it is something to think about, when I read your comment just now, I thought how wonderful it is that your boyfriend has such an understanding person to be with. I had an intimate relationship with a person who like me, had bipolar disorder and I suspect he also had multiple personalities. We were very close and understanding of each other, but when we both got down sometimes it wasn't very pretty. Unfortunately last September he passed away. But all the love is still there. Painful as it is, I am very grateful to still have that connected feeling, whether or not it is just my feelings or truly that he is not far away.