For me, I make a distinction between treatment and recovery.
Medications help treat my (severe) symptoms, while recovery helps me live life. Recovery innovations is one of my sources of recovery. It is not a 12 step program, rather it teaches cognitive mindful strategies for mental wellness and allows individual to define what being well looks like for you.
They offer many free classes including wellness recovery action plan.
Also you can become a peer support specialist and get paid to help others by facilitating classes.
Recovery is possible but it takes work.

if being on me4dication bothers you but its the only way you can go to your friends, maybe you can talk to your prescribing doctor and tell them that you would like a dose that would help you feel stable enough to have the energy to heal and bare with the triggers rather than a "forever" medication, this way you have a "boost" and have sopmething to work with. being around friends may help you feel at ease and feel more safe. maybe after feeling better the doctor can slowly take you off the meds and at the same time, with counseling you will be able to manage more triggers and such in a bettter way.
also.. if you feel the need to push people away its understandable, opeople and the world of today are horrible sometimes. than again...if you never trust anyone enough to be yourself than how will you know..?
i understand you dont want further abuse of any sort, specially emoptionally... but get to know people to see your own limits on how much of ":you" you can show to them. its important that everything you do makes you feel comfortable.
"normal life" what is a normal life anyway? you are who you are and thats it. and i dont mean that in a bad way. think of it this was...if 85% of the world's population received flu shots via "vacciantion form" and the rest of the 15% received flu shots via "nasal spray" (whixch sounds nasty to me) than the 85% would look at the 15% like "" eww?, you are getting sneezed insede""
you see, there is no such thing as nornmal. your behaviour matches the challenges you went through and that is expected. you are not wrong for feeling the way you do. i could understand that. now the new thing is, finding the ability to see the otherside of that emotion, simply because there is. it may not seem like it, but your brain, and everyone elses brain , are designed to heal. its just a matter of time. being able to cope with things is what help us finf feelings that we thing we have lost. even though we dont loose them. its more like we hide them because of the need to keep a part of us safe.
find ways to always feel comfortable, in the process help yours realize that thats being safe.
i hope this helps. feel free, please, to messege me throw here anytime you want to talk. i will be here and answer in the order in which was received...heeehee. just kiding. but as ssooon as i see the messege, if any, i will take time to answer.
i am online half my day anyway. and i know what its like to feel like there is not many or any people who one can just talk to. even if just to talk.
i hope you feel better soon.

as much as I hate taking meds, I was on meds for 4 years and yeah it did help me stabilize, but u know what most of that is your own will power...medications was a the reason that my T would see me and then she would talk to me..it helped me deal with stress and take away the anxiety and pain of dealing with situations, it clarified my mind. When u start the meds u will be on it for a while, does not mean that u will be on it FOREVER! We make an assumptions very early on that and that we are stuck with it, believe me we are not. I am off meds for almost a year and I got a bonus, a raise and I moved in my GF, I am happy at work..medicine will open the door for u, but u will have to walk thru that door and undertake the journey...all the best!

Thank you all so much for your replies. It really means a lot. It took me a long time to get stable enough and be off meds to prove to myself and others that i could do it. granted i only stayed on them for like 2months but i was able to take double the classes and graduate from college while working and playing a sport without being on it. yes had my bad days but i still did it. I need to get out of this house so i can heal. being around my abusers and being treated like crap is killing me.. i feel like if i get out i won't need the medication. My friends know me and parts of the abuse but not that i have mpd or that i lose time . i don't know if i can truly be me around them.. but it'll defiantly be a experience. we are going to try and move in April so everyone can save up. You guys are right it doesn't mean i have to be on them forever