Lou, I don't know how to say something helpful here. So I will say I care about you, and wish you weren't stuck having a massive argument in your head.

The fact of the matter is that they were still your parents. I was speaking to my psychiatrist about a month ago and he was saying that some kids struggle more inside a loving home after being removeded from abusive environment than if they had of just stayed with their abusive parents. Somehow we learn to cope within that abusive home. We learn our place and we adapt to reduce what occurs to us. As adults reflecting back on our childhood we dont yearn for that abusive environment but we yearn for the parents we so often heard about that our friends had. The parents who were loving and supportive. The parents who loved when we brought home a C on our maths test rather than an F. The mother who put our artwork up on the fridge rather than throwing it away and seeing it as a piece of junk. I guess like you I have parts of me who remember my mother who turned into a real b**** when she cleaned house and was extremely abusive and turned a blind eye when we told her that we were being sexually abused by the man next door but there is other parts who love her dearly and am thanful that she is part of our life. These are very conflictual feels my friend but it is important to validate both parts unfortunately, one of the joys of having DID. Please know that you are not alone with these conflictual feelings regarding abusive individuals within your life.

when we're kids, we blame ourselves and think we are the crazy ones when black is white and white is black. but i doubt you are imagining it.
i had to love my mother and father in order to survive and i can't shut it off now even though i want to. it's gonna take me a long time to unlove them, if that's even possible.
but i don't think loving them is wrong either...so i'm with you on the conflicted feelings.

I agree... I have those same conflicting feelings about loving vs. hating my parents. My mother, I'm ambivalent about but my father was a real monster - I have no use for either of them. But still, there's a part of me inside that adores and idolizes my father and can't imagine that he did all the things he did.

Love yourself, you're worth it. You're an amazing person who's done nothing wrong at all!

You soun like my sister. She ploted to kill my mom as a youngin. Never followed through thank god but she is all about love and peace now and DENIAL. Its ok atleast you are questioning. Thats a good thing. Having abusive parents isnt easy for any of us. We all need them to love and need them to love us.

I want to thank everyone for responding. Every so often that conflict becomes unbearable. It's like two parts of me are at war. I'm better today. It seems like I'm always looking for something to prove me wrong, but I know the memories I have are accurate. My memories are far from complete and if I look at it from outside myself the abuse was unbearable, but I dissociated so much an internal voice says it wasn't that bad. Sometimes you can make yourself crazy not believing what you know to be true. A lot of time I find having DID very interesting and entertaining, especially when a little comes out to play or when I indulge a feminine part. Like tonight I bought myself some purple sunglasses and last week I bought a woman's purple hoodie. When that conflict happens having DID can be very painful. I would probably be very lonely if I was alone in my head. It's good to have company.

My struggle has been with knowing I had an abusive family but wanting a loving family and angry that I wound up with an abusive family instead of a loving family. In addition, I also struggle with trying to accept what they had done to me but at the same time knowing that since they are my famly that because they are my family I feel some sort of attachment to them. Last night we were all having a discussion (my system) and they revealed it was not only my mother and my sister but that it was also my father. They revealed a picture to me of what my father was doing and it threw me for a loop. So when it comes to recognizing more memories I believe it becomes even more conflicting between attachment and hate as more knowledge is revealed.