Hi Jessica,

I'm so sorry to hear you are struggling right now. I can only imagine that it must be difficult not to be able to switch during times of stress. It took enourmous amounts of strength for you to heal and integrate though, and I have to say I admire your courage...and I totally get that choosing integration does not mean you don't miss your alters.

I know you feel alone, but you belong here and have all of us here whenever you need us. I know it's not the same as having an in-person friend or an alter, but we're a right good bunch most of the time and we're all on your side.

I hope that you check in and let us know how you made it through the night.

Can't you still be functional and switch? Idk just throwing it out there. I'm pretty much pro alters though.

And sorry u felt bad. Don't cut! Pluck! That's what I do .

Like others have stated Im sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment. Being able to switch definitely has its pros and I agree with ficklefairy that one can still be functionalk while having altar personalities. However this is a personal decision that needs to be made by each person. Hopefully you can find some strategies other than self harming but then again this is a mindfield as like other stress strategies this provides a quick form of release. Just writing this post makes me think its no wonder we cope in certain ways from traumatic experiences and why its so difficult to cope in so called "healthy" ways. Thankfully on the whole I cope with exercise, an improved diet, meditation, prayer and reading. Keeeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Thanks to everyone for your responses and comforting words. I made it through the night with out cutting! :))

I wish I had healthy coping skills like you tyzz27. Sounds like you take such good care of yourself. I do not have the right state of mind to get motivated to eat right, exercise and meditate, pray. I know it's good for me to use these coping skill, but I resist what is good for me. The depression really holds me back. So, I pray for the willingness to do the right thing every day.

Thank you for your thoughts and prayers!

I don't think Iv seen you on here. Sorry your struggling.

Mammoth, I used to be on this site a lot before I integrated. I pop in now and then to see what is going on and to be in a place where people know what I'm talking about. It's like coming home.

hi Jessica
about 6 months or so ago, a friend of mine integrated. This had been something in process for quite a while, i think she had been postponing it, waiting for a specific life event to happen before she allowed integration for her. She came online to say goodbye to me a few hours before she integrated. She told me that it had been a great and wonderful adventure, and it felt like she was going home. Even though i may only have chatted with her a handful of times in the previous couple of years, i was overwhelmed with a sense of irrevocable loss in those last few moments. I still feel it even today.

I can't begin to imagine how lonely and sad you must feel - a thousand times more inetnse than i do, that's for sure. And mine was bad enough. This is most likely a totally stupid suggestion, but would bereavement counseling be of any help for you at at all? Cos that's kinda what it felt like for me. And the group here? There are a lot of good people that can understand how things are with you far better than i possible ever could. And they're here to support you. I think both you and the group would benefit if you became more active again.

i hope you begin to find peace in their memories soon, and not feel so alone
kevin

Hi Jessica...Jenny from here and more often, the PTSD board. You and I have talked over the years but I'm not sure if you remember me(or want to).

I have also stopped switching but not from integration but from finding out I have a disease that is supposed to be fatal. Shocked the alters into absolute silence. My docs aren't 100% sure and I have found studies that say that getting it at my age, I might not die but I will become disfigured and disabled instead. Again, alters in shock and quiet. All of a sudden, I don't need them to help me deal with a traumatic past as I'm now facing a traumatic future. One way to stop DID!

I am happy you are integrated and hope you will slowly but surely replace them with people in your life. I've always found you an interesting and kind person who would make a good friend. We can heal the alters but healing the soul is something else again. I know you can do it. Just take one tiny step at a time. You've made friends here and that is a step forward.

When loneliness hits, come here or message(you can message me if you want)....you do have friends here who care and want to see you succeed.

gentle hugs........Jenny

Kevin, your question is not stupid. It matters to me. I have been working with my therapist and my psychiatrist on the grieving I feel due to integration. They are very supportive when I am with them. It's when I am alone that my longing for my personalities gets overwhelming. I am aware that the loss of my sister has triggered all kinds of poor coping skills desiring to escape. I am very new at trying to cope in a healthy way. So, that is why I am here. I'm alone and I need to lean on someone. I will also be joining a bereavement groupI to help me deal with the loss of my sister and I will work on the loss of my friends (My personalities) I have always had great support here and I'm grateful. I do hope your healing is progressive. Blessings! Jessica

jenny, I do remember you and I have always appreciated your encouragement and insight. I'm so sorry about your illness! It makes sense that your personalities have not been present, because they were for the past. You are finding your own strength in the present and for the future. I do hope and pray that your illness does not progress! Sending Blessings your way! Jessy

I have had health issues that Have quieted my alters. I miss them. I hope you become more comfortable as an integrated person.