Multiple Personalities Support Group
Dissociative identity disorder is a diagnosis described as the existence in an individual of two or more distinct identities or personalities, each with its own pattern of perceiving and interacting with the environment. At least two of these personalities are considered to routinely take control of the individual's behavior, and there is also some associated memory loss,...
About two years ago some very disturbing memories started to return.
First they were foggy and as more fragments showed up a picture started to form.
I did not want to believe that such abuse happened.
I was four at the time of the abuse. The memories started returning when I was 44.
Last December I drove 1500 miles to visit my sister. We have been pretty much estranged most of the last 10 years.
During the visit, without me asking, she confirmed my memories.
Over the years I have felt out of control. Or more like someone else was in control.
I was along for the ride but was not the one in charge.
I am very forgetful and am starting to think it could be related to Mutiples or alters. I feel that there about 13 or so present or that I am aware of.
I haven't lost weeks or long periods of time that I am aware of since adulthood.
But I know there are times when I should know something and I don't. Conversations that I guess I was involved in and don't recall.
I would get embarrassed or more like I get embarrassed when that happens.
One time it was my wife's grandmother died. Her mom called and told me. I completely did not recall the conversation and "forgot" to tell my wife. The next day she was upset when she talked to her mom and found out that I did not tell her.
Crazy stuff like that happens.
Also, I know that the incidences of childhood are stored in an alter. He is four and I used to see him as a gray lifeless child lying on the floor in the fetal position. Not moving or breathing.
I read a book on MPD and discussed it with my counselor. He asked me if I thought I had multiples. I told him No. I only said that because I was scared.
Pretty much sums up my life - scared of everything.
First they were foggy and as more fragments showed up a picture started to form.
I did not want to believe that such abuse happened.
I was four at the time of the abuse. The memories started returning when I was 44.
Last December I drove 1500 miles to visit my sister. We have been pretty much estranged most of the last 10 years.
During the visit, without me asking, she confirmed my memories.
Over the years I have felt out of control. Or more like someone else was in control.
I was along for the ride but was not the one in charge.
I am very forgetful and am starting to think it could be related to Mutiples or alters. I feel that there about 13 or so present or that I am aware of.
I haven't lost weeks or long periods of time that I am aware of since adulthood.
But I know there are times when I should know something and I don't. Conversations that I guess I was involved in and don't recall.
I would get embarrassed or more like I get embarrassed when that happens.
One time it was my wife's grandmother died. Her mom called and told me. I completely did not recall the conversation and "forgot" to tell my wife. The next day she was upset when she talked to her mom and found out that I did not tell her.
Crazy stuff like that happens.
Also, I know that the incidences of childhood are stored in an alter. He is four and I used to see him as a gray lifeless child lying on the floor in the fetal position. Not moving or breathing.
I read a book on MPD and discussed it with my counselor. He asked me if I thought I had multiples. I told him No. I only said that because I was scared.
Pretty much sums up my life - scared of everything.
I'm sorry that such horrible things happened to you when you were so small.
Your story about forgetting important things is SO familiar to me. It was one of the main complaints I took with me to counseling when I first heard about PTSD. I did a lot of healing from my PTSD symptoms, but the forgetfulness didn't go away. I remember as a teenager, my mother used to accuse me of forgetting things on purpose (usually a chore she'd asked me to do) but I didn't! That conversation simply wasn't in my head, and I didn't know why.
I found some writing by Dr. Onno Van der Hart about personality fragmentation in PTSD sufferers and I started to think about this differently. I've waffled back and forth on whether I really have multiple personalities for the last two years. Sometimes I convinced myself for months at a time that I had imagined it or was mistaken, only to have one jump out all of a sudden and shatter my illusion.
I've never had large missing chunks of time, either (I don't think!). However, there are some things I think I ought to remember, but don't... Usually the moments and hours after a trauma. I can remember something starting to happen, then it gets fuzzy, then there's a complete wall. It seems I should be able to remember all of it if I remember the beginning.
Now I just finished reading "A Fractured Mind" and many more things started to click into place. The author never realized he had MPD until he was in his forties, although it had always been with him. Once he found out, he was able to start looking back on his life with a new perspective, "seeing" his alters for the first time, and how they had affected his life up til then. It's a really great book, and filled with hope. If you like to read, I think you'd enjoy it.
Meanwhile, I'm glad you found Daily Strength. The people here have been so helpful to me since I started this journey, and they keep surprising me with their understanding, compassion, and courage to help. Keep learning and sharing, Jim. Maybe something you learn will help me, and maybe something I learn might help you... We're all on this journey together!
~ Wistala